I chose my boyfriend one night and lost a close friend.
My close friend ended our friendship because I chose to see my new boyfriend instead of going with her to a tribute concert...
38F and genuinely want some outside perspective because this whole thing still feels disproportionate to me. Lets call my friend Marie.
We were close for all our lives. She is a single mother of 2 and I was also quite close to her kids and especially the older daughter. I went to birthdays, bought presents, showed up for things, supported Marie through anything she needed me to. We were extremely close and talked everyday.
For some context, the last few years (7) of my life have been… a lot... Three pretty major health/life crises (grape, surgeries, big c + therapy with radiation) in a relatively short period of time and young years I am still mourning my youth...and I also hadn’t been in an actual relationship for around eight years. As you understand i had bigger fish to fry.
Then I met Alex.
He was my first real relationship in all that time. At the time this happen we were around 3 months together. And maybe this sounds dramatic, but after spending years dealing with health things and basically being in survival/work mode, having a romantic part of my life again actually meant A LOT to me. Alex also lives in another city, so we couldn’t just see each other whenever.
A few days before all this happened, Alex and I had our first real fight, and i felt was mostly due to my fears and insecurities so i felt really really bad about it... We hadn’t had much time together afterwards and I really wanted to see him and reconnect.
That same night Marie wanted me to go with her to a tribute event for her fav band, who means a lot to her.
I chose to see Alex coz it was the closer date we both could meet after the fight (the fight was over the phone).
That is basically the original sin here.
And yes, I understand why she was disappointed. I knew the event mattered to her. I’m not pretending it didn’t. But I also honestly thought: we’ve been friends for years. I’ve been there for so many things. And things and bands and events i dont really enjoy, i went just to support her. Surely I’m allowed one evening where I prioritise something happening in my own life?
Apparently she didn’t see it that way at all.
She took it as me choosing a man over her, became distant, and the friendship basically froze there...
What still bothers me is that this wasn’t me suddenly disappearing because I got a boyfriend. Which is Marie's official narrative. It was one night. With the first person I had seriously dated in eight years, after we’d just had our first fight, when we already had limited opportunities to see each other...
To me it was: tonight I need to give some attention to this important thing for me...To her, apparently, it was something of a friendship loyalty test.
Then shortly afterwards it was her daughter’s birthday. Normally I would obviously have gone and bought her presents. But at that point Marie and I were werent speaking and I honestly felt ridiculous turning up at her house pretending everything was normal.
At the same time, I didn’t want her daughter dragged into an issue between two adults. I care about the kid. So I sent Marie €60 on Revolut for her daughter’s birthday.
Marie messaged me afterwards (a very intense and long message) saying she found this offensive. Basically, that instead of coming to the birthday or even calling to wish her daughter myself, I just sent money. And okay. Fair enough. I can actually understand why she didn’t like it.
Was there also a boundary in that gesture? Probably, yes. I was basically saying: I still care about your daughter, but I’m not going to walk into your house and behave like you and I are fine or that i am not standing my ground for being able to make my own decisions and priorities.
But here is where I got a little iffy...
She kept the €60.
Didn’t send it back.
There was also no thank you. Just aggressiveness verbally.
So apparently it was offensive enough to send me a message about, but not offensive enough to return.
I didn't respond to the "offence" and "offensive" msg.
There’s another thing that happened around the same period that has made me look at the friendship differently too. Marie is a lawyer. Before any of our personal drama happened, I recommended her to the mother of a friend of mine who needed a lawyer for the sale of a property. I recommended her because she was my friend and obviously I trusted her. The whole thing went badly. My friend’s mother told me that Marie repeatedly wasn’t answering calls/messages even though she was prepaid. Eventually the buyer pulled out, and the woman was angry enough that she made a formal written complaint against Marie. Honestly, I felt guilty because I had recommended her, but they were two grown women in a professional relationship and I didnt even know the details to help mend this.
Also important: this happened before Marie and I fell out. It wasn’t the reason for our friendship ending.
Much later, after we were already basically not speaking, Marie randomly sent me the outcome of the complaint (screenshot) which had gone in her favour / wasn’t taken further.
That was it.
Nothing about what had happened between us.
Just basically: See? I won.
I didn’t respond.
And I think that was the moment I started looking more closely at the friendship and wondering if I had been occupying a very particular role in it for years. The accommodating one. I showed up. I listened. I supported. I went to the birthdays. I bought the presents. I was dependable.
And maybe because I had done that for so long, the one time I went, actually, tonight I’m choosing something for myself, it felt like betrayal to her.
I’m genuinely not saying Marie wasn’t allowed to be hurt. If she had said “that event meant a lot to me and I really wanted you there”, I could understand that completely. But I’m struggling with the idea that years of friendship couldn’t survive me choosing my boyfriend one evening.
Especially considering this was my first relationship in eight years and I had spent the previous few years getting repeatedly punched in the face by life.
So… tell me please.
Was I actually a bad friend here?
Was the €60 birthday thing colder/passive aggressive than I realise?
Or does this sound like a friendship where I was expected to keep proving my loyalty by always showing up?
EDIT: No, we didn’t have plans for the concert. She mentioned it only about one or two days before, and Alex and I already had plans and she got angry when I told her - she was like couldnt you choose another day? And i was like why? Whats wrong with that day? And she mentioned the tribute. It’s also not really my kind of music so assuming I was gonna go without asking was just for me to support her.
As for support during the major health/life things I mentioned, honestly it was pretty minimal to none. To be fair though, I’m quite selective about who I lean on during difficult times and I usually keep that circle to about four very reliable people (being sick + disappointed is not a good idea - so choose your people wisely) we weren't that close back then, friendly for sure but not on daily speaking basis, only the past 2 years after my last major surgery and beyond. She wasnt cruel, she was just not in my extremely close circle.
EDIT 2: I included the lawyer situation because that screenshot was literally the last thing she ever sent me, about a month after we stopped speaking. I’m not trying to trash her professionally or suggest anything about her competence. I just think the fact that this was what she chose to send after a month of silence says something about where her head was at, more focused on proving she was right than actually addressing what happened between us.