TW: Miscarriage and Infertility
I had a miscarriage almost exactly one year ago. Since then, we have been battling infertility. Two failed IUIs, one round of IVF, and one failed frozen embryo transfer later, and we still don’t have a baby. It has been the most painful experience of my life, and I am currently battling a spiraling depression after the failed embryo transfer. He knows this. Or at least I thought he did.
Last night we were playing “We’re Not Really Strangers,” and I pulled the question to ask him “What is the most non-physical pain you have ever been in?” and he goes,“I don’t know,
probably some girl in high school breaking my heart. You know, teenage angsty stuff.” I was pummeled by a wave of loneliness and grief and sadness in that moment. But mostly loneliness. I thought that we were in this together. Even if he didn’t outwardly show that this last year has impacted him, that he, too, was silently suffering. I found out last night that I was even more alone in this journey than I had previously realized.
My husband is a good man. I love him very much. In that moment last night, and in the last year, I feel like we are misaligned on our goals. I want a baby more than anything in this world. I am singularly focused on this. It is my every thought and action, and I know this isn’t healthy. He wants a baby, but he doesn’t have the same expedited timeline as I do. The burden of starting a family is heavy.
Take out mango sticky rice for dinner tonight
ETA: we talked about it immediately after i read the card since i burst into tears. We are okay, we love each other very much. The grief and loneliness of infertility is hard. Everyone feels differently about things. It felt nice putting this out into the world. Thank you all for hearing me out and listening.