u/Embarrassed-Knee1609

I want to recover so badly, I really do. But at the same time I don’t. I don’t know who I am without bulimia. For 4 years, every single hour I’ve spent not sleeping has been spent binging and purging. It sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m really not. I cannot name anything else I have done with my free time in years. Nothing. It’s the first thing I think about when I open my eyes and the last thing I think of before I go to bed.

I know I need to focus on replacing it rather than just stopping and being left with a void. But I feel so utterly hopeless and lost, I don’t even know where to start. I’ve had phases where I’ve tried to stop or at least reduce it, but it feels like nothing else fits. Hobbies don’t bring me any joy or peace or entertainment. Then again, neither does the binging and purging, but it blocks everything out and I think of nothing. I just complete my ‘task’ of the binge and purge on repeat, step by step. It feels like an art I’ve perfected in a lot of ways. I hate it but I can’t even begin to think of a life without it, which feels devastating. This is after it’s caused me a cardiac arrest and a period of time in a coma in the ICU (that was 3 years ago) so clearly thinking of the health consequences doesn’t do anything either. I feel so lost. I do think of just ending things now and then, but I also am desperately scared of dying and I really do wanna live. Just not like this.

I don’t even know anymore. I can see what I need to do to recover (up my intake, replace the habit, keep busy, be honest with other people on how they can help me). But no matter how good my intentions might be in the back of my mind some nights, I still wake up and go and buy the food I ‘need’ and fulfil my rituals. It’s crazy. I feel absolutely crazy and inhuman. My biggest wish is that I had never ever ever purged for the first time- but I’m also at the point where it’s such a major part of my identity that then I just wouldn’t be me at all. I hate it and I can’t be without it. Even as I type this I’m thinking about the food I need to go out and buy when I wake up.

Can anyone who has joined as a team leader advise- is it normal to be on £12.71 an hour? I know overall for team leaders the pay should be closer to £13, but I’m wondering if it’s standard to be £12.71 during the probationary period, or if I’ve been totally scammed lol. Going to raise it to HR before my next pay but I want to know before going in how firm I should be!

Hi all!!

I’ve accepted a full time checkout team leader role and my first shift is tomorrow! It wasn’t the job I applied for but they offered this one to me very quickly in the interview. I don’t think I’m particularly good, I think maybe they were just struggling to fill the position 😅. I’m just concerned as I have never had a team leader position before- I had 6 months working in a co op 3 years ago, but that’s literally it in terms of my retail experience. They’ve assured me I will have training but I know every single job says that and you never really do!! So I am expecting to just have to get on with it and learn while I work, but that feels really daunting when I know so little.

I’ve read a lot of posts on here and the general consensus seems to be that the tiny extra pay is not worth the team leader role in the slightest. It’s not what I would prefer to be doing, but I’m determined to stick with it. I’ve really struggled to find a job offering full time hours, and my CV really isn’t great, so I’m mostly going for this so that I have something better on my CV in terms of responsibilities and skills which will give me more options in the future! I understand it’s not the most desirable job, but I am certain I want to at least try to give it my best for a while.

They have been fairly honest with me about the fact that regardless of your job title, you will be moved around the store based on staffing issues and what needs doing that day. Overall, it’s a fairly small supermarket and apparently mostly older customers, so I don’t think I’ll need to be quite as stressed about things like shoplifting or major busy rushes compared to other stores.

I was just wondering if anyone could give me some insight into what I’ll be expected to do, and how much pressure there is compared to a non team leader role? I’m genuinely going into it completely blind, not knowing how to do a single thing, and I’m worried they’ll expect me to know the basics when I really really don’t. If anyone has any tips, advice or anything that you learnt in the role to make it easier and smoother I’d be really grateful to hear it!! Anything and everything would be great to know :) Thank you!!

I am so so so tired of the false hope. Every time I think I’ve finally cracked it, I fall back. For almost 4 years, I have done basically nothing with my life outside of binge and purge. On repeat, all day every day, while my friends have gained relationships, careers, children, travelled, moved out, etc. There have been phases where I’ve slowed down a bit and reduced it to no more than twice in the evenings, but this never lasts either. As soon as I actually have the power to choose what I do with my time, bulimia is the first thing I resort to. It makes no sense considering I hate it so much and it makes me so desperately miserable. I barely even have the urge most of the time, I just zone out and the hours pass me by.

I started almost 4 years ago and the longest time I’ve managed not to purge is this January- almost made it a month, and god I’ve never been so proud and happy. I felt so utterly lost when I relapsed (because of course I did) that I said fuck it, quit my waitressing job, and flew to South East Asia. I thought it would change my life. I had genuinely 100% faith that relapsing would be the last thing on my mind. How could I even be thinking of something so stupid and miserable as an ED when I’m the most alive & free I’ll ever be?

I made it 3 days before I purged. And about a week before I was back purging daily. I can’t tell anyone the truth about this trip. I’ve seen the most amazing things and had a taste of what life could be, but it’s all been overshadowed and none of it feels like it matters anymore because all I can think about is the waste. The waste of time, energy, headspace, appreciation for what I’ve always dreamed of seeing, etc etc etc. Not even mentioning the layers of shame that feels even worse here. I’m in almost £2000 debt now from this trip and I don’t even want to book my flight home and admit I failed. I flew over to a neighbouring country once my visa free allowance ended where I had been, and currently, instead of seeing all the incredible things I can, I am literally hopping from hotel to hotel based off of how convenient they are to use as bases for b/p. It’s stopped me (I’ve stopped me, no excuses, it’s my fault) from bonding with anyone or making any new connections because I’m completely in my own bubble needing to be alone.

Anyway, I’m reaching the end of my overdraft so I have no choice but to book my flight home. I’m going to stay in hostels again for this final part rather than private rooms because that limits me to just purging rather than binging and purging most of the time (key word being most. I’ve become familiar with the horror of b/ps in random side streets, random hotel grounds, etc.)

I am just full of so much shame, disgust, and self hatred. I have been for years but this really feels like the final nail in the coffin. I will never allow myself a trip away again until I’m certain I can control myself. I don’t want to allow myself anything good at ALL until then, tbh. Although thinking about sitting at home aimlessly resorting to shop lifting again because I’m out of money to spend on food and in one of my deeper phases is equally as horrifying.

I don’t want to die, I want to be alive, but I really can’t do this for much longer. What a sad little existence I have. And I’m tired of listening to myself complain about it and then do nothing to truly break the cycle. I don’t expect any advice or sympathy btw, just knowing other people with EDs are maybe reading it after feeling so isolated recently is kinda nice. Although I too probably would’ve read this a few months ago and thought “well yeah I might be bad, but I just KNOW if I had that level of freedom to see the world I wouldn’t be wasting it”, so no offence taken if that’s where your thoughts go

It’s 4am right now, I’m so sad and so scared and so lonely and I just wish I was home tbh