u/EmbarrassedDish9140

What if you never felt the way I felt about you??
What if I was living in my own delusional world?
What if all that you wrote was actually for someone else and not me?

All of which are completely okay and acceptable to me.

I know my past. I know my baggage. Sometimes I think I should have known my place. Shouldn’t have expected things for the place in which we both knew each other. I know that. I should have been more mature. Should have been less vulnerable. Should have known how societally complicated I am. I hate self pity, but I know my facts. This world always operates different for people like me.

Maybe I should have never reached out again. Maybe I should have known my place. You made me realise it once. But that just wasn’t enough for me probably. Am still learning it. Hopefully I’ll learnt it one day and let go of you completely.

Ciggy has become my favourite friend lately.

In quiet moments, when my feelings scream too loud, I pull it all in- just to feel it.

I let my secrets slip out as smoke, the words my lips couldn’t form, dissolving into thin air.. into the universe

It rests between my fingers, sits gentle on my lips. I like the way it makes me feel about things. My only friend which knows the depths of my souls and the secrets that I hold and burns itself out for me, piece by piece- and maybe, in some quite way, it’s taking me with it too.

Ciggys is comforting. Dissolving me, one thought at a time.

Love can you make you feel a lot of things. Envy wasn’t something I saw coming.

I envy the one who meets your eyes.

I envy the one who hears your stories—your voice, even the mundane things.

I envy the one who gets to be in your circle, who gets to see your face up close—how it looks when you talk, when you smile, when you laugh. Your smile… that’s something.

I envy the one you call to share your life

Well my envy has gone beyond limits- past living things, into the non living.. Let’s not go there. Wait… Why not.

I envy your phone which gets be in your palms all the time.

I envy your fucking car. How dare it gets to have you on top every day.

I envy the stupid steering wheel that gets being to be held by your hand. Your hands. Ufff

I envy the blanket that wraps around you every night- the one you return to every day, every day.

At this point, I’d settle for being your night lamp- just to stay beside, looking at you all night.

I feel woozy realising I had it all- your eyes on me, your hands on me. Not anymore.

So yes- Today, it’s envy.

Could you just hold me once. Hold me tight. Hold me close and tell me we’ll be okay. Keep me close next to you and tell me this was all a dream and we are back together like how we used to be?

Just hold me and never leave. Tell me you will be there next to me whatever it is. Tell me you would fight the world for me to be next to me and never leave me.

This is taking a toll on me. I am finding it hard to breathe. Finding it harder to live. Finding it harder to not have you next to me. Hold me close please. I am not ready to let you go yet. Please pity my heart a bit. This yearning is burning my soul. And the only cure is having you next to me. It will continue to burn until then. Or at least until it looses all its flame.

I guess am doing everything to keep this burning alive. I don’t have the heart to let it die. I’ll let it burn.

Passing my days without you has forced me to find ways that I feel your presence around me. Because there is something that I get and feel when I know that you are around. Hard to explain in words how you make me feel by just existing.

So I listen to the music you shared, I watch the movies you said, I watch your favourite shows, I relive all of our past moments in my mind. I might be anywhere in this world and still feel like you are near me. Weird but true. It’s like you are the one who pacifies my soul.

Doing all the above makes me feel like you are right next to me. Watching and hearing those things makes me feel like there is still hope.

What would I do without your presence? How am I supposed to lead a life like this forever?

Why is my heart refusing to give up on you. Am here will all the love in my heart waiting to share it with you. All you need to do is just TRUST me. I know my past doesn’t give you that reassurance. But all am asking is for you to trust me and let me in.

I’ll be there for you. I’d protect you. I’d protect you against the world and I’d protect you against your own demons. Every time your demons whisper disturbing thoughts, I would know that by your face, by just being around you. I’d just hold you so tight that the voices go down. I’d hug you until you sleep. I’d sit with you in your silence. All the silence you need for hours and hours together, we can sit and just exist.

Your love, emotions, feelings, desires, needs or anything else is never a burden to me. Give ALL of that to me. I have a hugeeee space in my heart. I’d hold it allll tight and safe within me. I’d never leave you, abandon you or make you feel alone.

I just want to live in the same world as you. I want to see the world in your eyes. And if that means I’d have to accept the above I would gladly do all of that for you.