u/EmbarrassedSpinach90

Yesterday I had a conversation, that bear the same theme as other incidents I've had with some cis people.

We were talking casually and he was chill, but very much just a straight dude. He asks of who I was before, and my previous name. I thought for a second and gave him a calm answer "that is not something I wish to share".

"No, I was just asking and curious."

I said it's okay, but I kindly would advise him to not ask other trans people the same question, as it is a bit private.

This then almost always turns into some rigamarole of them defending themselves in some great extent, like I've just attacked them super angrily. It feels like society has imprinted into people's brains that we are these super angry snowflakes that get easily triggered, and that any word they even say is super offensive, but they should still be allowed to say anything without a response. Or to just "have their opinion".

I absolutely hate these encounters because before the conversation has even begun, the notion is already imposed on me, and if I even on the RARE occasion take a stand on something that I feel is rude or invasive, I'm immediately faced with being put in this box where they are never to be the rude and insensitive one. This type of question is one of the things that actually bothers me enough to call out when people ask, and all I'm doing is *politely* telling them how I feel.

The worst part is that things like this are often invalidated or mininized when I bring it up with friends that this repeating theme bothers me a bit. I'm always given some answer that they probably meant nothing rude, and that I should take into account that most people have no experience with trans people. ALL of those answers are always presented as if I had not thought of that already, even though it is exactly what I HAVE been doing, and actively has been a part of me SELDOMLY saying anything. I cut people so much slack and give them the benefit of the doubt in 99% of cases. When I first choose to voice something, I get dismissed.

Rant out.

My view has been that queer people discussing queerness cannot be equated to straight/cis people doing the same, as we approach the situation very differently. The difference mainly being that if the topic would be of someone else otentially being queer, it's an unspoken agreement between queer people with set rules. That is: don't speculate too much or prescribe any labels, don't discuss it with others, and don't tell the person in question that you have discussed this. The conversation is to be treated with respect and care for the other person.

Recently I had an encounter where a friend insinuated a third friend as maybe not being so straight. I took it up as a curiousity at a later date, not really planning on discussing it in detail. I got shut down pretty hard, with them being uncomfortable discussing the other person's potential queerness. I totally understood, and didn't push it any further after that. I still left a bit confused, as I felt the other party kind of initiated this.

If both of us are able to recognize queer signs in the third person, I don't view it as an absolute no to discuss, as having the conversation could increase our awareness and help us create a better safe space for person in question to explore. I would not be offended if my queer friends did that when I was still unaware of my own feelings, but rather thankful.

Was I completely in the wrong here? Am I being too relaxed about my approach given my subjective opinion on the matter, and should rather take the path of just not discussing it ever, just in case?