u/Embarrassed_Bat_4810

I am having an issue with a very close friend and would like external opinions.

Last year she broke up with her ex boyfriend she loved very much, almost right away met a new boyfriend (a rebound at the start). Since the beginning, she kept complaining about him to me and other friends: jealous, possessive, lack of empathy, cheapskate etc. Because of what she was telling me, I developed a very negative opinion of him and sometimes criticized him in some attempt to make my friend realize.

However, I often defended him when I thought my friend was being unfair (like when she was openly saying she wanted to take advantage of him, or wanted to see other guys behind his back…), and I repeatedly encouraged communication between them whenever they had issues. The situation was complicated because her feelings changed constantly: one day she wanted to leave him, the next day she loved him, then she misses her ex, etc I was hard to listen and give coherent advices.

Recently they went on holiday together. Before leaving, she was stressed because he told her she would meet his family, only two days before the trip, because he knew she might have refused if she knew. During the holiday she suddenly texted me saying she was so in love and wanted to move with him there. I reacted badly and told her he sounded manipulative and that this was the total contrary of what she had been saying before.
The problem is that her boyfriend was reading her messages and saw what I wrote. They fought because of it. Since then, I stopped criticizing him and tried to stay balanced.

A few days ago she suddenly became cold toward me after a big fight with him. According to her, he no longer trusts her because of the messages he saw I sent during the holidays. She told me this was my fault because I knew he checked her phone and I should have been more careful about what I said. She also accused me of always speaking badly about him and even compared me to the third party that ruined her previous relationship. (for context the day before this, she was mad at him and tried to have a fight with him, while I was telling her again to communicate properly….)

I feel like all the times I supported her, defended him, or encouraged the communication have been completely erased even though I criticized him a lot about his controlling behavior. My opinion is that I may have become too involved in their relationship, but I also think her boyfriend reading private conversations is not normal and that I am not responsible of their lack of trust between each other. However I am still wondering if I am at fault for not really taking into account the fact that he was always spying her phone when I wrote to her.

So I am having an issue with a very close friend and I would need external opinions.
For context, she broke up with her ex boyfriend she loved very much last year because of a third party (not a another girl, it’s another long story but not the topic). Right after that she found some rebounds and chose to continue seeing one guy that later became her new boyfriend.

What has always been confusing is that she had been criticizing this guy basically since she knows him and even more after they became an official couple. Not only me but also other friends told her he seems to be very jealous and possessive according to stories she was telling us.

Since she is one of my close friend, she tells me a lot about him and I saw some actions from him that were quite toxic and manipulative. However, without judging my friend, she had many behaviors that were also totally disrespectful as a girlfriend toward him and I was often calling on her BS and quite defending the boyfriend sometimes. In any case, it was very hard giving constant and coherent advices since she was asking a lot about him and also often about her ex. Basically her emotional mood looked unstable, which I can understand. With the time passing, her boyfriend started to have some really possessive behaviors and sometimes made her unconfortable (according to her) and I criticized him a lot, probably too much in some attempt to have my friend open her eyes. Paradoxically, I always encouraged her to talk with him whenever there was an issue, because I always said that communication was important in any case.

Fast forward to recently, they went on a holiday that she was quite stressed about because she was going to meet his family (which wasn’t initially plan, he told her his family would be on the holidays only two days before leaving because he knew she would be stressed and maybe would have refused to go). During the holidays she suddenly messaged me saying she was so in love and everything was going so well and that she wanted to move with him (totally the contrary of what she ever said), at this moment I was like wtf? And I told her in an abrupt way that he was manipulative and that she was not saying that at all a few days ago and that she should be careful etc. At this moment her boyfriend was looking at her phone, saw the messages and started a fight with her. The thing is that he is always looking at her phone when they are together and want to see her messages.
When she told me that I became worried that my messages ruined her holidays and from this day I basically stopped saying any bad things about him. This was 2-3 weeks ago.

For context, in the meantime I was again encouraging discussion between then when a small problem arised and I also listened to her when she quickly said she was again missing her ex, and that sometimes she was feeling like her current relationship was not right but etc, I was really trying to balance and weight whatever I was saying.

2 days ago she suddenly became very cold at me, she had told me she had a big fight with him (for context on the day just before he did something she didn’t like and was trying to have a fight with him and when she asked what I thought about it, I said I thought both were at fault) because he wasn’t trusting her since the holidays when he saw the messages I sent. According to her it’s my fault because she told me many times he was looking at her phone and I shouldn’t have sent these kind of messages. That I always talk very badly about him and compared me to the third party that broke her previous couple, and now I am totally in shock in front of the absurdity.

My opinion is that he shouldn’t read her messages and I am not responsible of their dysfunction as a couple. Also all the times she was talking badly about him and I tried to balance things by encouraging the communication, all of that became suddenly erased and non relevant in her mind.
I think that without wanting it I got too much implied in this story as the close friend. Now it seems the friendship is broken and I am not sure about what to do and if I am the one at fault.