How do I hold boundaries with a narcissistic mother when I still live at home?
I’m a 32-year-old man currently living at home with my mom.
Back in 2020, things were going great. I had graduated college, I had a good job the year before, and in the middle of that year, my best friend and I started a company. Unfortunately, toward the end of last year, we had to part ways, and I had to step away from the company. I had also left my previous job back in 2021 to pursue that business full-time.
Right now, I’m doing gig work to support myself and help with bills while still living at home. Finding a stable job has been difficult for a lot of reasons, the economy, personal circumstances, and just trying to get back on my feet.
Last summer, I went through what I can only describe as a major psychological awakening. I started learning about narcissism, personality dynamics, empathy, and a lot of deeper emotional patterns. It triggered what Carl Jung might describe as individuation. I went through a severe grieving process for several days and came out of it feeling like a different person.
But now, here I am in 2026, still living at home and dealing with the same shit. My mother uses me like an errand boy. Go to the bank. Do this. Pay these bills. Manage that. Take me to work. Take me here. Take me there. I feel completely taken for granted. She doesn’t have a car, but she is fully capable of taking a taxi or figuring out other options. Things used to be even worse. I would take her to get her nails done, get her hair done, go to the bank, return things to Macy’s, go grocery shopping, take her to church, take her to different stores, and drive her to medical appointments. She had to get treatments done on her legs, and I would drive her about 15 miles away, sometimes weekly, for that too.
It was always something. And through all of it, I never really felt appreciated. Sure, she might give me money here and there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel robbed of my time, my energy, and honestly a part of my life. I know the reason she gives me any help is just to keep the loop going to keep manipulating and gaslighting. It’s to the point where I do not even accept it whenever I can.
That realization was incredibly painful. I feel like I had to grieve the mother I thought I had. I don’t really feel the same love for her anymore, because I don’t feel loved by her. I feel used. And whenever I pull back, it feels like I’m just a broken toy that isn’t functioning for her that day.
Because of that, I’ve had to start putting up boundaries. I put a keypad lock on my room because people would just barge in. There’s no privacy in this house unless I fight to create it myself.
At this point, I feel like I can’t afford to waste time. I’m doing gig work 7 days a week, 12 hrs a day, trying to save enough money to get out. I’m investing, working, and doing everything I can to build some kind of future for myself. And even on top of all that, she still only talks to me when she needs something.
If she makes breakfast, there’s usually an ulterior motive. The second I sit down, suddenly there’s a list of things she needs. I come home after working 12 hours, and it’s immediately: can you go to the pharmacy, can you do this, can you get that, can you pick up wine, can you help with this errand?
She has zero interest in my life. None. I am never asked how I’m doing - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, nothing. It is always about her needs, her problems, her priorities.
And that’s what makes me so angry.
I went through that painful awakening last year, and I’m frustrated with myself because I still keep falling into the same pattern. Today she came back from the airport, and I stopped doing gig work, drove 16 miles home, took her to work, and then immediately it turned into: can you go deposit this money at the bank, can you help with this claim for my delayed flight, can you do this, can you do that.
And I’m just sitting here asking myself: when am I going to learn? Seriously, when am I going to stop? I tell myself to say no. I tell myself to pull back. I tell myself to protect my time. And yet I keep ending up in the same position.
I’m parked not far from my house writing this because I’m just that angry. I’m already stressed out from working constantly and trying to figure out how to build a decent life for myself and get out of here, and instead I just feel robbed. I feel like I don’t exist as a person in this house.
I know part of this post is me venting. I know I’m angry. But I also genuinely want advice.
How do I stop making the same mistake over and over again, even after becoming aware of what’s happening? How do I actually hold boundaries when I still live here? I’ve tried grey rock, avoiding being home, putting up locks, and becoming more emotionally detached. Some of it has helped a little, but clearly not enough.
I’m just exhausted, and I’m tired of feeling like this.