u/Embarrassed_Steak366

I need a strongly worded essay on what the fuck you want from me, and I’ll give you that. I’m sick of the push and pull

I just want to enjoy my downtime without having to avoid you

do you want to not have any connection to me personally? Cool I can do that be civil while we’re with the others. do you wanna be friends? okay I can do that too. More? fine with me.

But this? Whatever this is? Nope.

I fucking hate it when cowards try to dip their toes in to check if the water is cold right after they threw the damn ice cubes in it.

do a lot of things I can’t

those things came through my head abit earlier today

I didn’t even want those thoughts, it felt intrusive in my mind

like I didn’t even think of them

more specifically the things we’d joke about

yeah I kinda want them forreal

in real life

With you only

I wanna taste it I wanna feel it

those thoughts made me feel things

I’m busy please go away I tell myself

thoughts of ACTUALLY doing the things we’d joke about

visions of how you’d have me

how I know I’d beg

fold instantly

anyways gn ily

do a lot of things I can’t

those things came through my head abit earlier today

I didn’t even want those thoughts, it felt intrusive in my mind

like I didn’t even think of them

more specifically the things we’d joke about

yeah I kinda want them forreal

in real life

With you only

I wanna taste it I wanna feel it

those thoughts made me feel things

I’m busy please go away I tell myself

thoughts of ACTUALLY doing the things we’d joke about

visions of how you’d have me

how I know I’d beg

fold instantly

anyways gn ily

These other people I can’t hold a conversation with. Even about the dumb things, the meaningless things.

I ghosted them all.

I know what I want it’s unfortunate it’s always what I can’t have

It’s you silly

you know, I brush my own feelings for you aside for a second

the feelings I’m sure you know of, the feelings you had your own way of reciprocating ALWAYS leaving that gap open for plausible deniability.. did that make it feel safe for you?

Either way, that was all with that cute little audience watching, our little show we loved to put on for them? For us? For attention? Idk

But all that aside, whenever I talked to you in PRIVATE, I did not speak to you that same way, I did not joke with you in the way we did. I was a FRIEND. I never pushed anything further, I never so much as FLIRTED with you privately and that’s crazy considering the way we’ve been with eachother.

So what exactly did I do so wrong? Enlighten me. When I reach out personally I reach out as a friend, no motive, no expectation. Does that not interest you? A genuine connection with me? Or does it scare you, do you think it’s gone too far?

But how? I don’t say a single thing out of line and try to keep it low stakes. Because I’m not sure if you know, but I’m well aware of the situation. The barriers, the slim to none chance it could ever be anything more than what it is.

Or were you just scared that I showed a genuine care for you outside the hobby we share? Too much? Got it.

So anyways, this awkward tension coming from some source I’m sure you’d deny, but I’m also sure you feel.. is on YOU. I just wanted to be a friend to you. I’m friends with all of our friends. I talk with them everyday and care for them too.. it’s really not that groundbreaking. But for some reason for you.. it was?

Anyways, I’ll keep my distance, well that’s a very easy thing to do physically, but I mean Ill keep my distance from you in that shared space.

For letting me know in ur own way

Wouldn’t work out anyway

I’m going through a lot I need to focus on entirely

Won’t be around much as the weeks count down closer to the scariest day I’ll ever face

Be kind to yourself

maybe the distance is there for a reason

maybe we were actually not supposed to meet

live separately

I’ll do that

maybe the distance is there for a reason

maybe we were actually not supposed to meet

live separately

I’ll do that

idk man I really tried. I should’ve just laid it all out so I would know for sure that it was disinterest. Now I’m sitting here still in this shitty game we’ve created. You seem to want to stay in it. I can’t do that anymore bc I realized I have real genuine feelings.

Makes no sense I know. It’s absolutely psychotic, I know. But it’s been awhile, thought it would fade over time. It hasn’t.

With that being said, if that was a hint that ur not interested, hint taken. But I really wanted to respond with care, because I do care for you. Unfortunately, I do have to leave with a bit of dignity, so my hands were bound.

Hope ur feeling a bit better

At this point though I really do need to tap out.

ily