It’s been a long time coming, but over the years I’ve often implicitly wondered whether I had experienced sexual abuse as a child and don’t remember it. I have a whole bunch of symptoms.
It’s slowly dawning to me that I definitely have, just thankfully probably not in the way I first speculated—growing up Hasidic is a form of sexual abuse.
When your parents never ever touch each other, say I love you or interact in any way other than business partners, when after the age of six you never interact with the opposite sex again, when in the religious books you read ‘living together’ is often mentioned as what seems to be an idiom for something unspoken. I was so curious as a kid, and now I’m slowly beginning to mourn the young girl who deserved a hug and some frank gentle truth, not searching through seforim (religious books) for every mention of anything regarding women and then learning about what intercourse is from the back of a sefer (singular of religious book) describing what should happen during a wedding night. Why was no one there to hold my hand?
There’s a story that I heard growing up once or twice, from some rabbi or another about waking up at night as a child to see his parents sitting on opposite sides of the table, his mother weeping because a loved one passed away. The rabbi said that he was awed and comforted by the silent support his father showed, from all the way at the other side of the table. I don’t think that the way I’m telling this story is replicating the vibe of the original, but I wish I could tell the younger me that he should have hugged his wife. Writing that feels like blasphemy.
I just want to punch everyone who goes on with this rhetoric, forget about the nuance and beat the bullshit out of them. I know that the whole tznius (religious modesty) aspect no doubt affected me as well but so far I’ve yet to approach the subject because the shadow cases by the blatant sexual dysfunction of this community is so large.
I often imagine explaining to a child how babies are born as I try to banish the image of my hesitantly asking my mother at the grand age of 11 if parents actually have to touch for there to be a baby, after all, how else does the baby look like both parents? I’d explain to the child, my younger siblings perhaps if I weren’t so worried about traumatizing them and affecting their development with my possibly misplaced intervention within the environment they are growing up in. About how a new individual life forms when the seed and the egg combine, and how that presents itself in all sorts of species. How the relationship of people who make a baby is special, not because the Torah says so but because of attraction. I would explain arousal in its various forms and how it leads to sex, how we have these chemical reactions so that we would continue to reproduce. I would explain human anatomy and tell myself that this is mine, this is my body and I get to know everything about it. I want to be kind about the subject that has terrorized my people for generations.
I want to answer every single question the younger me has, and I want her to give me a hug to comfort me about the fact that I had to learn about sex so unevenly and unhealthy through bits and pieces, articles in frum (orthodox Jewish) magazines with such sensitive trauma dripping from every sentence begging that the frum community stop sweeping stuff under the rug. What stuff, that was for me to investigate and find out. It’s a bad environment when google provides you with an infinitely less traumatizing experience finding things out than your own home turf. I would tell her that it’s natural, that it’s okay, hell I’d even explain to her directly about sexual abuse. I know it would have been infinitely better than learning about it from articles alluding to it in such a roundabout way. This is my trauma, this is what’s causing the symptoms.
The realization that I should not compare myself to my peers and their sex lives because we have had fundamentally different experiences comes in waves. I doubt they are proud of themselves for not being uncomfortable with the word sex in their passport anymore. My perspective in which I experience secular media is inherently skewed— in many ways but most importantly whenever sex is brought up. This was a fucked up way to grow up, my entire history relating to anything sexual and what I’m now realizing what the community considered sexual but IS NOT being various small but impactful traumas piling together until I finally know enough about the subject to look back and realize I have a long road ahead of me.
I’m so mad. It’s so fucked up, and there is no one concrete person to blame. Hell, my parents grew up in the same environment— they were kids when they had me, they love me and learn from their mistakes. I don’t know how to blame them without remembering how the circumstances were skewed against them and how they are the product of the environment they grew up in, and nor do I want to. What choice did they have? But what do I do with all this anger?
No wonder I resent the community I grew up in so much. I really need a therapist I can talk to about this but I’ve yet to find one I can broach these topics with. I’m mostly venting over here and upon reading this over apparently I’m so desperate for some sort of therapy that I’m giving myself homework assignments lol but I hope if anyone relates it could bring some understanding or inner peace. This sub has been an incredible place to start my healing journey, thank you for being here and reading this. It means more than I could say.
Also with my newfound slowly growing perspective can I just say to my fellow comrades on the other side of the mechitza (the divider in shul between sexes) that I hope you know that the whole no ejaculating thing is crazy. I find it difficult to give myself reassurances about the experiences im learning to view as crazy with different eyes, so I just wanted you guys to hear it if you need it from a relative outsiders perspective. It’s terrible that you go through that. And to the people who’ve been married— let me reassure you that taharas hamishpocha should be nuked.
We got it rough, huh. Not as rough as some people but im learning it’s okay to acknowledge that this way of growing up will leave you with significant sexual trauma.
Alright, signing off now
u/Emergency-Fee-5503
One interesting thing about growing up lubavitch and happening to have been on shlichus in a foreign country and culture since I was a kid is realizing how relatively varied chabad lubavitch is, especially compared to other frum communities like mo and other chassiduses. The public face of being a practicing Jew often associated with chabad which I think is one of the reasons it’s so often name dropped in the wider ex Jew sub and then there is the whole meshichist branch which is what this sub likes to emphasize. Ig the meshichist stuff is crazy enough to always be shocking and the experiences I’ve been through are not as common as I’d like. Not to mention the fact that the sub is mostly in English and Shluchim in distant countries often veer to being Israeli which is a whole other cultural distinction. Honestly when I was in kinus as a kid there were a lot of Shluchim that had chabad houses in the states or something and I kept looking for people who’d moved to entirely different places but also not as alone in the community that they’d go to online school and I’m still looking. Do you guys know of any Hebrew subs if such things exist or forums where Israeli Shluchim that have gone otd would congregate? I feel like I’d have more luck there. Sometimes I imagine that the people who would know understand me most would be military brats stationed for a while in other countries or other religious emissaries say messianic Christian’s or Muslims but I’m to jaded to go searching. It’s my dream to find a otd shliachs kid from the country or culture I lived in… anyway have a good motzei shabbos everyone thanks for coming to my I need to get a therapist rant