Just waiting
Possibly in 15 days, I won't be here anymore
I've spent many years being depressed and having to abuse substances to feel okay, but in recent months, not even drugs or anything makes me feel good anymore. I'm tired of suffering and feeling.
As a child, I was SA for several years, then threatened that they would harm my parents if I spoke, so I was silenced for many, many years, until I couldn't take it anymore. This affects every aspect of my life. It's very hard for me to talk, and even harder to trust.
About 6 to 8 months ago, the only person I shared my life with left me and went with their cousin to travel the world, to do everything they once told me they would do with me... After I had dedicated more than 10 years of my life to them, changing goals, changing my dreams, changing everything, starting from scratch... several times... In the end, all the effort and dedication over all these years has been in vain.
I have asked for help, I have begged for help, and it has all been in vain. Curious, because I'm the person who always looks for help and always helps everyone else; for once in my life I spoke up and asked for help, but it was all ignored.
Right now I'm unemployed, depressed, and wishing to die every day. I already have enough sodium nitrate to end my life. I'll probably wait until June 2nd; that day I'll turn 30. It seems like a nice day to die.
I hope everything goes well and I don't stay alive.
P.S. I still remember when there were 55 days left and I still had hope of not ending up at this point. Now only 12 days remain, and each day I'm more convinced.