I need advice on my situtaion
Tw : extreme language, suicide, self-harm, small mention of a porn addiction, with mention of alcohol, SA (sexual assault), and lots of words.
Sorry if this isn't the right way to post in this community im new or if this sounds like I'm a winny teen who feels like the world is against them. I really don't want to be that person and is just wanting to rant or get advice about this situation I'm going to be honest I don't really know why I'm even posting this but nonetheless I know I have to talk about it to someone at least.
Another thing Im so so sorry for my grammar and punctuation im horrible at punctuation and grammar perks of having learning disabilities am I right ( I tried my best fixing it)
Ok I really don't even know how to start this, I'm just done I'm so f-ing done I'm so f-ing tired of it all, I don't know if I can keep doing this, im just so tired i can barely get up barely do work and school work and everyone is mad at me that im not trying my best or doing what im supposed to do. I get in to argument more frequently because the people around me say im not trying hard enough even though getting up and doing what i like is a struggle
Again, I don't even know how to start this so I'm just going to tell you guys plain and straight why I'm so tired of it all with an extremely long text. I'm sorry for the length.
For context, when I was in elementary school I noticed my brother was sleeping a lot more. I remember staring into his room seeing him sleeping wondering why he always slept. I guess I was concerned but I pushed it off about that time he always wore a hoodie or long sleeves. I once was playing Legos with him and his sleeve ran up and I saw a thin bloody cut. I asked what's wrong and he said it was a tape dispenser. I asked if you wanted a band-aid and he said no and left. That same month I noticed that the tape dispenser's blade was gone. Later ,in October we were at a party and I was sitting down with him and he broke down to me he didn't cry but he said I'm so f-ing sad we talked along time I cant remember the conversation i was in shock i knew about everything but I still was in shock. I wanted to leave pretend like it wasnt happening and I f-ing left him I said I have to leave. He begged me to stay and I f-ing left him I asked him to come with me but he just couldn't and instead of staying with him I left I think a lot about that night and ask myself, why, why couldn't I have just stayed with him that same month on a Sunday he didn't go to church I sat in the church seat and just cried and cried my parents didn't notice I knew what was happening but how does one even tell there parents that there own child is wanting to kill himself that he is cutting would they even believe an elementary schooler I never told them I knew they still don't but it still pains me
November hit it was Thanksgiving I was getting dressed when I heard a knock on my door my parents were crying they came in said to sit down I don't really remember the conversation I kinda blanked it out I was in shock I didn't cry didn't even know what to say right before we left for Thanksgiving they had discovered that my brother was cutting himself my parents left my room and I sat with my brother he was awkward and we just talked about anything but that we still went to dinner after my brother said he still wanted to go we were late that day my parents didn't talk much during thanks giving that Same week my brother was emitted to the mental hospital I didn't see much of him I decorated the tree without him and wrote him letters that my family showed him I remember my dad called his mom on the kitchen counter crying telling her that he feels like he failed as a parent same with my mom they cried for days I saw everything I know they tried to hide it from me I saw everything my family doesn't mention it much anymore they blame it on my brothers thiroid that caused him to be depressed but I don't know anymore
When I was in elementary school I was so sad because my brother, why would he hurt himself why. I asked myself that so many times I saw a pencil sharpener and cut myself I don't know why I did it maybe I just wanted to know why I saw the blood pool and was just in shock and then my vision started to blur I made it it downstairs and bandaged it. It was minor no hospital visit just a bandaid and water my parents never found out about that nobody really knows what I did I told them it was from a zip tie under my bed and stuck with that story
Later in my life I found my self with really abusive friends that made fun of my learning disabilities and my brothers self harm I was later sa'd by one of those friends and some how I let them do it I don't know why I stayed for as long as I did but it caused me to push away from people and develop extreme hypersexuality (self diagnosed i was scared to talk about it with anyone its bad) when I reached highschool year I gave up on friends. Left everything behind and just grind I ended freshman year with enrollment in all honors and a 3.8 gpa then I found that the person who SA'd me was dating one of my old friends that i cared about and I didn't tell them anything about her and what she did to me I was happy for her and was willing to forgive her then she manipulated my friend played with her feelings and it just hurt me I remember seeing her get pulled into the counseling office she told me she started selfharm and she might get sent to the mental hospital i didn't tell her what happened till the person who SA'd me left her and moved away I don't really know why I told her as late as i did maybe I was still struggling with it I think about it often and just hope the same thing that happened to me didn't happen to her if I did I would blame myself more than I already do I think part of my friend blames me to she has all the right too but I tried to be there for her cause of the way I messed up with my brother I made friends over the year and every single one has struggled with self harm and why, why when people surround themselves by me they want to kill them selves they tell me it isn't me and that I helped them but, why
Anyways over the past 2 years it affected me horribly it was hard for me to get up in the morning my grades slipped from a 3.8 pretty much all A student to 1.75 it was so drastic that I was actually called to the office I didn't tell anyone but that same year I was struggling I wouldn't even say depression cause I'm not sad not mad just tired so tired I started selfharming myself because I was tired I choose self harming because I have a decent life compared to everyone else I live in a nice house go on vacation and I feel I need a reason to be sad so I self harm by then I started abusing alcohol because I need something to just feel pain I was intentionally hurting my body because I want to feel pain I don't know why maybe I blamed myself for everyone's hurt maybe I just wanted a reason to be sad I don't know - note I i have been sober from anything physically damaging for about 4 months now and for context I only started intentionally abusing cause when I mentioned how sad I was to people they said I have no reason and that I have a perfect life-
I needed to find a relief so I found it in porn that turned into a very bad addiction that needed to be constantly satisfied one addiction I couldn't quit I just can't stop which makes me feel horrible it came mostly from the SA I think but I don't know im no specialist
I never really talk about how truly hurt I am and before you say well you need to seek help tell your parents or a counselor or a friend the counselor will tell my parents and I don't want my parents to be hurt I remember seeing my parents so hurt and I never want to see them like that again even when my parents see us where sweaters they get a little nervous they don't know I notice but I notice and I don't want them to be hurt again and I'm scared they will feel like they failed all there kids like they had one job as a parent and they failed us all I'm scared they will do something to themselves another reason is when my parents found out they took away all the sharp objects and he couldn't close his door and seeing that gives me so much fear they will do that to me and take away my freedom I don't want to tell my friends because I don't want them to be hurt they have already been through so much plus they think my life is truly perfect and tell me I have no real reason to be sad plus I don't want to be a burden I also have no idea what to do with my life but that's pretty small plus everyone thinks I'm going to be with them forever never leave but it's just hard even when I bring up that I might move they get all mad and stop talking immediately I pick up on small emotional ques because of everything if you haven't noticed yet
Id like to leave this post if it is already not long enough as I myself is not suicidal yeah sometimes I wish I just didn't exist but I don't want to die plus I also stopped self harming about 4 months now yeah the craving sometimes there but I don't want to hurt the people around me so right now I'm safe I can't hurt my family even more than I do and part of me believes it will all get better yes im scared it wont im scared for the future but who isnt
If you have questions feel free to ask. I know my writing can sometimes be difficult to read or if you just have general questions please ask. I just really need advice and support