To my (28, M) fellow kind souls who loved beyond-deeply & were willing to fight for love no matter how tough it gets
We've been together for 4½ years (last 3 were forced to long-distance)...she continuously told me while looking deep in my eyes that she loved me, loved us, couldn't and didn't want to imagine this existence without me or with anyone else...we told each other all these things & we always said "through good times, bad times & the most fucked up time"...
I stood up & was willing to keep standing up to what I have kept saying to her in those 4+ years...she didn't...
One day we had a benign disagreement, she then said she "needed some space from me"....she went three weeks silent...after those three weeks she broke up with me via a video call and gave me the typical "I will always care for you & love you & apprecite how you've been there for me"....it added ultimate insult to injury...
I also thought that when it gets rough, people fight...true love was never meant to be easy...even in those 3 weeks she went silent on, I kept trying to stay distracted (exercise, studying for my masters) but I kept thinking about her alll the time...I told myself that It's tough but we'll get through it no matter how intense it gets...I even texted her in the 3-weeks mark to check on her (she's going through a lot of stress regarding work & family) and to tell her that its okay if she still wants some space & that I just hope you're good and taking care;
Then the very next day she texts me that "we need to talk"....
Our "disagreement" wasn't something critical...we were beyond compatible, share similar view for our future and how we want to live life...
She just gave up on me...on us when it got rough...and instead of taking my hand and fighting it together;
She gave up....
I'm an emotional person...I am the type of people who loves beyond deeply...I would've never given up on her not matter how intense it got....I though she viewed it the same...I stood by her firmly in the lows before the highs...I loved her & respected her in her absence and never disrespected her or betrayed her trust or even lied to her...I even kept working on myself & had hobbies & interests of my own and kept active...I only enjoyed things when I sent her pics/videos of me while doing them...I babied her & suppported her & was her number one fan and I kept motivating her and was a shoulder to her whenever she needed me....
She was my everything...my nervous system got so used to her...I used to jerk off to her in my head almost everyday...I'd imagine holding her & being held by her and kisssing her & whispering lovely things to her ears to let her know a fraction if how much I love her and how she was my safe zone...now my nervous system is panicking & shattered...been almost 3 weeks now...Cried so goddamn much and been talking to my loved ones about it...I also been exercising extra, playing football/soccer twice a week and studying...nothing works & I still feel shitty...
I wish if I didn't meet her...I wish if she didn't look me in the eyes alll these times & tell me "through good times, bad times and most fucked up times"....I was willing to fight till the end for our love, she wasn't yet she kept telling me the opposite all these years...
4 days ago I contacted her...I am a really emotional person so I told myself "maybe she was just really stressed & confused with everything in her life...I should contact her again & not give up on her nor our love...true long-lasting love involves forgiveness"...
So I reached out, told her I'm still in deep pain from what she did and told her that I hope she's good and have people to talk to with all the stress in her life (she's relocated to a new country for a new job few months ago)...
She told me "I never meant to heart you, I'll always care for you and be here for you whenever you feel like talking & getting things off your chest"...
I told her to not say that because it hurts & adds insult to injury...I told her that I though stress got the best of her and that I think our love is a once-in-a-lifetime things and that old couples cite forgiveness + both wanting the relationship and fighting for it as the main reasons for long lasting love...But I told her I can't fight on my own & that she gotta want it to...I told her I'm willing to fight again & work on this;
It won't be easy and would require A LOT of work to restore trust and safety again...But I'm willing to fight because my heart can't and don't want anyone but her....long story short; she went silent for almost two days...I couldn't take it so I sent her a message saying, in short: "it beyond sucks to feel as if you're forcing someone to love you...to choose you...to fight for you..."
Then I blocked her...
My heart still aches & I find existence insufferable regardless of what I do to stay occupied in a healthy way...
So trust me, I feel you...