u/EmotionalParsnip5835

I'm not a person that would talk negativity or depressed I think because I'm so much of an optimistic about what I think I could do but never actually follow though I'm stuck in a major cycle I can't say I ever had friendships or worthwhile relationships because of my energy and sweating. I've only got two freinds at the moment but even they talk down to me and Diss me , I get defensive but that's because they hurt my feelings I've had major arguments with them and not spoken to them but we ended up speaking again. My relationship with my mother and father is broken because I've said hurtful things to them I just want a reaction ultimately I want them to care but it's not going to work I can't truly be 100 percent two feet in because I'm restricted due to my sweating as a result of anxiety I think but must confirm I was born doomed. I've masturbated alot from I was young which I think plays a part in my outlook at life but I'm now accepting that I should be a bi male and what my minds vision does literally every breathing second, it's actually torment . I think once I loose weight again that I should be in a different Mindset but that's if I last, I'm boxed in with nowhere to turn because of my effects of supernatural or paranormal. I'm just writing this because I have tried to unalive very recently but it didn't work I just hope if I can get through that if I can get my body image right again to a point where I'm comfortable enough that I can get out in public or maybe volunteer or do something. I literally can't open up about anything to anyone because I have a strong paranormal supernatural effect on people that I've noticed because I have nothing worth living for my mind replays and emotional disregulation happens but in real terms it's my own fault yet my body does stuff eg sweating that works against me. Ultimately if someone does see this I hope you say a few words for me so I can maybe feel appreciated .

Thank you and peace if you took the time put to read this

Hi I'm in emotional and mental turmoil. I'm a person who likes to think of technical things and what I can do but I dont follow through. I'm at home all of the time I'm self conscious about my body image I feel I have female features. I have left work without telling I have left volunteering without telling. I have also left volunteering amd given notice , but from young I have made the wrong choices I got involved with class b drugs formally class c cannabis from my mate and my dad use to give me. Work has laid me off and I also have been fired. I feel like I had no purpose . I've come to the realisation that im not straight I've never been a outgoing person I have anxiety about my body image but I lost weight at one stage in my life and I felt a bit more confident I have put it back on now but at a point where I'm trying the Vegan thing to ultimately consume less calories by just mainly eating vegetables I don't want to use seasoning to make the food nice id rather put salt because I need sodium and chloride.

I didn't feel as if my mum understood me and my dad he was in my life but has kids with multiple women and my mum has another kid with another man.

I'm really guilt ridden with what I've havent done in my life.

I'm a lost cause at this point.

The thing is I'm really really terrified of what I have to do to solve this because there only seems one option.

I've tried unaliving multiple times - you see how it is for mee is tough I don't even feel my family is comfortable with me , I notice people moving uncomfortably, looking uncomfortable, making faces and plain out right just trying to get away from me. I was baptised when I was young but didnt really get the teachings of christianity I would say at this point I believe that heaven or hell is a state of mind and I'm in hell , deep depression but because my whole life has been like this I didn't realise until I moved away from home and sought mental health services . It's actually that crazy that even the mental health workers have left after they've seen and talked with me in one instance after two months and my other worker doesn't even visit me. The one worker I had for three years left after working me and I sensed that ot was because of me. I've been in mental health hospitals and people patients and staff are acustom to my energy. I want to believe I'm atheist but a spiritual person because I did have an awakening kundalini that is , I have seen the serpent but it imitates a motion of a sexual act I think it was trying to tell me something in a brutal and frustrating and irritating way.

I'm also anxiety ridden I don't get acne which some in my family has I just get really sweaty. Sweaty in the most weird places so now I've had to buy certain clothes to stop that from causing a issue which I have been terminated from work for.

My energy because of my history is what getting at me the most the paranormal and supernatural things be happening now daily often enough for me to really be stressed out. Part 1 check my next post for part 2

I'm trying to boost my page for my social anxiety to gain a insight into being something other than what I been.

I'm trying to change my ways to become a more appropriate person for my self and how others perceive me I'm religious born by birth but not really governed by rules or doctrines I'm more a spiritual person finding my way through life by my muddled and often diluted intuition and navigating my way though life with my moral compass that's tangled up in a web of interconnectedness with people that initially may have been family but now jusy random people I could pass on the street. Not every single soul or it may seem like that im trying to change my ways nut I've failed 1000 times let's 1001 be the time I do change ey ...