My nature to help others led to trauma issues for life
When I was in school, my parents used to fight very often, and I used to live in fear, wondering how a happy family could suddenly transition into a scary one all of a sudden with just one argument. Since then, I developed a habit where whenever my parents talked, I would listen to their tone and try to estimate whether things would go badly in any way possible. I totally lived in fear.
I used to go to a very restricted and strict-schedule school where we continuously studied for 6 to 7 hours or more straight with no sports and all, but I was kind of a half bully in my class. Maybe now I know that people who have family issues at home can turn out to be bullies in school. But I didn’t really mock or torture anyone. I used to beat this guy, let’s say his name was X, because he was so cowardly, which didn’t sit right with me, so I kinda used my hands to set him straight.
After 1 year together, we became close best friends with mutual interests and a very trustworthy friendship. But one day, X got into an accident and didn’t come to school at all for almost 3 months, so I used to call him daily and tell him everything that happened in school because I was very loyal to my friend. One day, I asked him when he would come back to school, but he always said “soon, soon” and never came.
I couldn’t let anyone else take my friend’s place beside me, so there were 2 other guys on the same bench, let’s say A and S, with whom I wasn’t very close before, but X was kinda a mutual friend to them. While X wasn’t there, I became somewhat close friends with A and S over time. Then A got transferred to another school, and only me and S were left.
One day, one of my classmates, let’s call him P, wanted to come to our bench for a better understanding of the class in place of X, but I refused him, saying X would return someday. I said if he wanted to be temporary, he could sit there until X came back. Then P wanted to sit in A’s place as his replacement, so we both agreed. All three of us, me, P, and S, sat together and became close day by day.
One day, X called me saying he would come back from the next day onwards. I was so happy to hear that and looked forward to seeing him again in school. The next day, X came back, and all 4 of us became great buddies over time. Then our summer vacation started, and everything was going good.
I enjoyed my summer holidays for almost 2 months straight until my parents asked me when school was reopening. I said I didn’t know because they hadn’t informed anything regarding that in the WhatsApp group either. So casually, I called X to ask what he was doing in summer and when school was going to reopen. Then X told me school had reopened 1 month back already, but I still hadn’t come to school.
After hearing that, I was so shocked. I asked him why he didn’t call me when he knew I wasn’t coming to school, and he replied, “I thought you would show up lately.” Those words shattered me completely because my best friend didn’t even bother to call me despite my absence.
The next day, I went to school and saw both X and P sitting together on a three-seater bench, so I sat beside them. After some time, S came to class and told me to move because it was his place, which shocked me totally. Then I had to sit on the bench behind them.
X was my best friend, and we had known each other for 3 years, so I thought it was normal at first. But when I saw the three of them having fun without even noticing me sitting right behind them, laughing and giggling together, I tried to join them, but they acted as if I was invisible. I kept poking X because I knew he would answer, but he ignored me and only replied once before going back to their conversation. After watching that, I was devastated.
During lunch, I questioned X about why he didn’t save a place for me beside him, and he said, “I thought you wouldn’t come anytime soon, so all three of us sat together.” After hearing that, my mind, which was already messed up from the previous day, almost broke, and I felt like I was about to tear up.
Classes continued, and I sat beside one of my classmates while casually talking and getting to know him. Suddenly, he said, “You should only sit here for today because from tomorrow my friend is coming back to school after vacation.” I replied “okay,” but inside I was crying so hard that I felt like I might collapse.
I started thinking about how the person X, for whom I stopped others from sitting in his place for more than 3 months, couldn’t even save my place for 1 month, and now indirectly I had to find a new place. Then I asked X, who was sitting in front of me, about what the guy beside me had said. X started scanning the whole class for a place for me, which completely killed me inside because instead of asking the other 2 guys to move, he chose to move me while still wanting to hold onto me as a friend.
My trust was completely shattered, and my limit had been crossed. I felt like I got everything stripped away from me by the same people to whom I had shown kindness, given a place, and become friends with. But X couldn’t even think about me through all this and ignored my existence until I appeared in front of him.
I lost my sanity, and the next day I cut all ties with them and with my best friend X, with whom I had been friends for 3 years. We were one of the most infamous friend groups in the school, and everybody knew us. I started sitting with other classmates, and later I heard that X cried because I cut ties with him. Everyone in the class supported him and made me the villain while hating me for what I did to X.
One day during exams, a group of classmates familiar with me asked what happened between me and X, but I chose not to answer because I thought if I told them the truth, the life X was living with friends who believed I was the villain all along would collapse. So I simply said I left him and didn’t want to get involved anymore.
Later, I found out X cried for me and cursed me for leaving him, so I thought about patching things up on his birthday. I called him to wish him and asked who else had wished him, and he replied that P and S had wished him early in the morning. After hearing that, I couldn’t speak for a few seconds, then just said “okay” and cut the call.
Again, I wondered what exactly I was doing when he couldn’t even notice my presence or try to patch things up despite my absence, so I completely lost hope. I focused on studying and scored really good marks, among the top 5 in my class, but my classmates spread rumors that I cheated to get those marks. The same people who supported X spread those rumors without even informing him about it.
After that, I lost everything, and even my efforts felt invisible. Over time, I became numb to emotions and stopped letting people get close to me. Whenever I talk to people, I feel like there’s a bridge between us or like I’m trapped inside a bubble. That weird feeling hits me every single time and made me stop talking to people.
I eventually graduated from that school with no emotions, trust issues, and fear of people. Even now, years later, I still can’t completely recover from my trauma, although I’ve become somewhat better over time. But I still feel that bridge-and-bubble feeling whenever I try to connect with new people, because of which I don’t have many friends and unconsciously don’t let anyone get too close to me.
I also hate group gatherings and crowded places, which I mostly avoid. My mental health has degraded to a point where I have multiple moods and egos. One moment I cry, and the next moment I become emotionless, and then something else takes over, which feels uncontrollable at this point. That’s why I wanted to post this on Reddit to finally get it off my chest.
If you’re reading this i wanna say my my trauma has messed my social life , thank you for reading.