I feel alone
As-salamu alaykum everyone. I am posting here because I really need a safe space to vent, and I am desperately looking for advice, Islamic perspectives, or just some Duas from people who might understand what I am going through.
For years, I have struggled intensely with going to school. I get severe anxiety just thinking about it, to the point where I skip classes just to avoid that overwhelming, uncomfortable feeling. This all stems from being severely bullied from the age of 11 to 13. The bullying was so traumatic that at one point, I tried to take my own life.
During that time, our family was in constant chaos. Instead of protecting me, my mother actually encouraged me to kill myself when I was at my lowest point. To this day, I still don't understand why she told me that, and it is a pain I still carry. When I try to explain my mental health to my parents now, they completely dismiss it. They tell me it is "not a valid reason" for me to feel this way and that I am too young to be feeling sad—as if pain and depression have an age limit. Because of this, we are constantly arguing, and I feel completely unseen in my own home.
Over time, dealing with this constant stress and trauma led me to develop bulimia. This has created a whole new layer of pain at home. Instead of helping me, my mother hides food from me because she views my eating disorder as a "waste of food," since it doesn't stay in my stomach. It hurts so deeply to admit this, but she actually seems happy on days when I go the entire day without eating anything at all.
I feel incredibly isolated. I am fighting trauma, severe school anxiety, and an eating disorder, all while the people who are supposed to protect me make me feel like a burden.