u/EmperrorNombrero

There is this girl We've been friends for 1-2 years. Mostly just in a group. Like we weren't hanging out alone. And she used to have a boyfriend but they broke up. And honestly I've never been that interested in her at first. Like she was attractive looking but she didn't swipe me of my feet or anything. And there never was any sexual tension between us either (well almost, sure there were maybe 2-3 very fleeting moments through our entire friendship where there might’ve been a little bit. Back when she still had a boyfriend tho but like i could've also imagined that. It wasn't a lot).

And still there isn't really sexual tension but I just really, really like her recently. Like, she is so impressive and nice and interesting and beautiful too. And I love talking to her it just feels so intimate. Not sexually intimate but just honest and like there is mutual trust and goodwill. And I validate some things about her and motivate her to follow her passions and she gives me compliments too. But also I feel ashamed to do it too much. Like every time I give her a compliment for example I later think "wow that was kinda cringe now it looks like I'm hitting on her and she is better than me and idk if we even have the kind of relationship where i can do that without it being weird" but then she says something about how.she really appreciates it but also I often think she might just feel sorry for me

And also there is this other guy inour friendsgroup and he is goodlooking and smart, and has a great future in front of him. And they also often talk. And those two look at each other in a way .. man I wish anyone would look at me like that. At this point I'm almost certain there is something between the two or if not there will be soon.

And honestly until recently I didn't even know.I wanted any kind of closer relationship with that girl. Like, I said there wasn't really sexual tension. And I was in kind if a confused tume in my life and just didn't really comsider her as a potential partner in the beginning so what developed was more of a friendship dynamic. But there were a few moments in the last 1-2 weeks where I came back from spending time with her (and others) and.talked to her anywhere between a lot and a little and when I came back at just had this overwhelming desire to.have her here with me and just hug her and be close to her.

But I don't want to make a move either because I don't want to destroy the friendship, because I know how she looks at guys she is really attracted to and she never looked at me like that. Also idk if we would actually even fit together, if we want the same from life or from the next few years. And she is very central in what rn is my main friendsgroup and honestly I think If things get to weird between me and her or I accidentally hurt her or whatever, I'm getting cut out, not her.

In the end she is one of the protagonists, I'm just a side character who needs to take care to get any screen time in the nicer sides of life at all. And honestly maybe I don't feel.like that anymore tomorrow, and maybe a friendship is worth a lot for me rn even if it's just a friendship.

But what can I do for romance to find me to, not necessarily with her. That is probably not meant to be. But the next time people in my life fall in love with each other, I'd love to be one of these people ..

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I'm hetero, I love girls, I want girls. Yet every time an opportunity arises I just procrastinate on it.

Last weekend I ended up making out with a girl at a party in my dorm several times. I had a great time and wouldn't have anything against meeting again. We also agreed that we would definetly meet again. I also have her number and her instagram. When I was still drunk just after she left I even wrote her a kinda cringe message asking her to come back. And even thi it was cringe and kinda outlandish she didn’t even react that negatively. (She didn't come back but let's just say we left on good terms). I also kinda talked with a good female friend about her and got some female perspective on how to best write her and kinda decided that I should just invite her to grab a drink or a coffee or some food or whatever with her. I was overthinking this for so long. But for some reason I still haven't written her since then. And idk why something in the back of my head just always keeps telling me that it's a bad idea and scary. And that always happpens when I have any prospect with a girl. I just can't do any move. It's just ao insanely scary. And it's not even like I have romantic feelings for that girl or whatever. I pretty much could only imahine her for something not that serious. Like, just hanging out and sexual stuff or whatever. It's not that I'm in love and she's so important to me or whatever this time. It was purely sexual and casual from my side. And still I just can't do it, there just is a blockade. The moment she hadn't been right innfront of me for 1-2 days she just started not seeming like a real person I could actually communicate with anymore. And making out with her and stuff just seemed like it never happened even tho it did. But it's just that somehow I can't tap into that vibe anymore. I kinda forgot the vibe we were communicating in, the personality I had that evening and so I don't know how to write her anymore. Especially now that I'm not drunk idk.

And this is not the first time this is happening. I literally for some reason just can't make moves on girls. It's part anxiety, but also if I knew exactly what to do (not on a litteral level more on a skill level) I think I could push through it. But i don't the skill is just completely missing somehow. And this is wven tho I'm actually usually quite extraverted. It's just in situations like this that somehow I'm literally missing the words. My head is empty. Every way I could word seems potentially lame or offensive or stupid or like outing myself as somehow missreafing the situation.

It's just I don't have an image in my head of what good flirting looks like. Of how appropriately messaging someone I have a sexual.intwrest in looks like etc. Like, I just don't have that model in my head. I know how to talk to friends, I know how to talk to a boss in an interview, to a teacher, a university colleague, a store clerk etc etc. But there literally just is no model in my mind of how to talk to a potential love/sexual interest. Only like bad examples people make fun of or talk shit about . But I literally don't know how the normal, good example would look like.

Some days I'll be at home looking in the mirror and being like "why was I ever insecure about my looks, I look fucking amazing, I'm literally so good looking" and then I leave the house and remember that literally every second guy looks literally flawless now. LITERALLY flawless. Literally Better than Models looked 20 years ago in many cases. Perfect symmetry, perfectly in shape, perfect skin, perfect hair, good proportions, good jawline, perfect teeth, perfectly groomed, well dressed everything. And I don't even get noticed for one second by any woman at all.

How the hell do they all look like that now ? What have thwy figured out that I don't? It's so insane.

And that when 10-15 years ago people used to still bully you as a guy if you even cared about your looks at all. Like, even using sunscreen was considered gay