Does anyone else's soul feel tired?
I am not sure how this is going to translate to others. I am 21F, and I was diagnosed with Psychotic depression at 16 years old, and Schizoaffective Disorder (Depressive) at 20. I am treatment resistant and have been so ever since my first episode.
The prodromal phase changed my brain forever. The aftermath of my first psychotic break also changed me forever. My cognitive ability is slower. I used to cook, bake, write, play guitar, socialize, and thrive in school. Now I do almost none of those things aside from occasionally playing music and writing, and it takes a lot out of me to do them.
After a year of being unmedicated, I finally have more energy, hope, enthusiasm, and plans for the future. I have a steady, full time job in retail as a personal shopper. My boyfriend and I are getting a house before September (the end of my current lease), and we want to get married within the next 12 months.
I was hospitalized a year ago on my birthday (July 7th). It was a dark time. Since then I have turned to God. Thats the only reason I've been able to survive being unmedicated. I still have hallucinations, nightmares, sleep paralysis, and have trouble forming basic thoughts at times.
But, I am happy, and functioning.
However, something I have been thinking about recently, is that I am so exhausted on a soul level. I want to settle down, have a dog, go on walks, sleep, do nothing, be nothing for awhile.
I want my mind to be calm for once. I want to stop thinking. I am always thinking, even in my sleep.
I want to be at peace.
(No, I definitely don't want to die, at least not anymore.)
Can anyone else relate?