Had to walk away from the most toxic relationship I've ever been in, but now I'm emotionally falling apart. I could use some support, even from strangers.
I'm sure some of you have been in situations like this. I (41M) started dating a childhood friend (40F) that I've stayed in contact with on and off throughout the years with a circle of friends from that time. We started dating 6 months ago. She's stunningly gorgeous and was so much fun to be around during the good moments.
But it didn't take more than a month for all of the red flags to come around. She's an vicious alcoholic, she projects a lot of her problems onto her environment, and she used a lot of strange language to describe her personality/issues ("I'm an empath, I can feel everyone's energy, no one appreciates my light, this area is bad for me.") My best guess is that she fits the fearful avoidant psych profile, and despite what I've been through in the past, this is arguably even worse than what I dealt with in previous breakups (though that could be because I'm still in it,so I just feel like its worse). In the beginning she was hitting me with some heavy stuff emotionally, talking about falling in love, building a life together, in essence sending tons of love bombs that would come and go over the next 6 months. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because we've known each other our whole lives. She also shared her location with me and gave me access to the app she used to track her cycle.
Referring to that, the sex was explosive and she was heavily into BDSM, which I didn't particularly have an affinity for, but I had no problem taking the dom part because I saw it made her happy and increasingly turned on. There were plenty of things that occured that clearly indicated she had some deep-seated trauma. She would say things during sex that made me realize she was dissociating. It was bizarre but I think I was excited because I thought this was her attempting to have a real connection with me (doh!).
I would say 90% of the time we were hanging out, she'd be drinking. Her drink of choice was either beer or tequila. And I mean a lot of it. She would drink a bottle of 375ml of tequila in the span of 4-5 hours. I don't drink, but I figured that she would be safer being around me rather than in public. Well in public she drank a lot as well. Usually a lunch or dinner date would consist of a 24 ounce beer and two shots of tequila. It was...expensive as hell.
Additionally, she claimed to have PMDD and would use her cycle as a means to shut me out any time the luteal phase came around. I would only hear from her maybe twice in the span of 7-10 days. It made me feel unloved and like I had done something wrong. She would usually give a half hearted apology near the end of it. But things never added up because she would still go out drinking with friends during that time.
The biggest red flag was a close friendship with an ex she had for years. I won't go overboard with details, but she ended up staying over at his house and stayed the night, denying any involvement and blah blah blah we know how the story goes. I knew it was time to get out. We had a conversation over text where I layed down my boundaries, discussed where we could go from here, and we both agreed to have an in person dialogue within a day or two. My plan was to break up with her. I texted her the next day and only got silence. I waited a little over a week and ended up sending a breakup text (what choice did I have?) saying the relationship was not working and that we wanted different things. I told her to come get her stuff on my porch and wished her the best. She immediately got back to me saying she understood, she would get her stuff soon, and that she loved me.
It's devastating. I knew she likely wanted the breakup too. But I'm just struggling to start the process of moving on because I got stuck on fixing this girl, showing her real genuine love and care. I chose poorly. I know in my head I made the right decision but in my heart, it doesn't quite feel the same. That said, I've gone full no contact and blocked her on everything.