Is spanking considered sexual abuse?
I know that spanking is a common thing in a lot of strict households and i always perceived it as normal growing up no matter how much i hated it.
But something that is really bothering me is that, while both of my parents whipped me with the belt (i think starting age 5?) my dad specifically made me pull down my pants and bent me over the bed and made me look forward and count out the lashes out loud.
Whenever i looked back to brace myself for the lash, he would add on more. He would also add on more if i cried.
I remember the sound of the belt going through the pants loops as he was taking it off, and the sound of the whip and crack and the feeling of the sting and how sore i felt after. I think the most i got was 30, and i remember feeling so humiliated each time. I also cant remember any of the reasons i was being punished, which makes it worse because, maybe if it was warranted it would hurt less.
I think this bothers me so much because my dad was addicted to porn and would get caught watching it all the time on the family computer, and i was afraid he was equating me with what he watched. I was also the first daughter. I remember my dad making me very uncomfortable when i hit puberty, and feared him a lot because he viewed me sexually, and often told my sister that i dressed like a slut.
My mom says she never made me pull my pants down and was horrified when i told her how he spanked me. But i am still angry with her for hitting me with the belt as well.
Im really struggling coming to terms with hard truths and would appreciate some support or advice to process this, i find myself obsessing over it and not being able to tell if im overreacting or not?