u/EngineeringTypical63

heard a loud bang (sounded like lightning) and our power flickered? that was crazy

hey all,

so this is my first time posting in this sub. as of a couple of days ago, i cut off (or, i suppose, we mutually cut off) a friendship with someone i thought would be a bridesmaid in my wedding. i am still processing lots of things and need a space to share my thoughts, my anger, and my anxieties. please do not use this situation for content or post this anywhere else.

so, for context, this friend and i met in college. she is younger than me so we didn't even meet until the second half of college. overall, i did not have a great first impression of her. she can be very headstrong in a way that comes across as cocky. we were in a fraternity together, and she ended up in situations which quickly alienated her from all of our other brothers. i considered myself friends with most people, so i tried to tow as much of a neutral line as possible, but the complaints other brothers were making about her were valid (mostly related to the fact that she kept unintentionally sabotaging processes).

we only started really hanging out in summer 2024, when both of us stayed in our college town over the summer. neither of us really knew a lot of people who stayed, which encouraged us to become closer friends and hang out more frequently. it felt like we became very close very quickly and she even started talking about me being a bridesmaid in her wedding over that summer, as she was planning on getting engaged soon.

this is where the biggest point of contention comes in -- she has a fiance, but they have an incredibly toxic relationship. obviously, this is my perspective -- i am not with them every moment of the day. but early on in our close friendship, a situation unfolded in which he lied to her about applying to graduate schools abroad and lied that he was two seconds away from committing to one. he also didn't tell his family they were together for over a year. of course, as a friend, this sets off a lot of flags, which i did my best to communicate to her in a gentle way. but this pattern of behavior would continue -- they ended up getting engaged, but every time i would see them, they would get in a huge blowout argument in front of me. he speaks down to her in a way that is lowkey verbally abusive, and she even told me once that he throws things at her. and she can be just as verbally abusive back, if not a little more. she keeps score of how he's wronged her to use as leverage later and has tried to humiliate him in front of my boyfriend and i. so, naturally, i came to be very disapproving of their relationship, as i felt they were mutually toxic towards each other.

my relationship with this friend felt very one-sided at times. she is one of those people who loves talking about herself, but makes very little space for others. she demanded a lot of me continually throughout our relationship -- for example, getting angry at me for not selling concert tickets for my favorite band which came back from an extended hiatus for her engagement brunch, when i'd had those tickets for 6 months before she scheduled the brunch; a situation she still holds over me when upset. i had to compromise with her to come to my birthday party for only 45 minutes because she didn't "feel like" coming and being around my other friends. we only hang out when its an activity she wants to do, or on her terms. we live about 15 minutes driving from each other (though in a major city), and both of us have a car, yet she frequently refuses to come and see me because i live "too far," instead opting for me to come to her all of the time. i've lived where i live for two and a half years now, and she has been over to my place maybe 3 times.

despite how little she participates in my life, she asked a lot of me in hers. i spent two weekends out of town, states away, to do wedding-related things with her. i was not even her maid of honor, but just a bridesmaid. i was happy to do these things for her though, especially because she frequently would complain to me about not having a lot of friends and not feeling like she would have enough bridesmaids with her on her big day. looking back, i think i felt a lot of pressure to stick beside her as i didn't want her to be alone.

ultimately, i started to hit a breaking point a few months ago. as a note about me, i am stuck in an employment situation that is not my favorite, and have had a grandparent in the hospital since march (who almost died). i am an only child without cousins (or siblings, obviously) to speak for, so my grandparents and i are extremely close. so for this to happen, especially with me having moved away from home, was absolutely devastating and terrifying, and i have dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety since. when the situation first happened, i explained to my friend why my grandmother was in the hospital (a gangrene infection) and that i was really struggling and going home to be with my family. in response, my friend made extremely callous jokes about the situation, calling my grandmother "necrotic kitty" (in reference to her losing groin tissue from the gangrene) and laughing the situation off. obviously, i felt extremely hurt and betrayed, and i voiced that to her, which she responded with saying she "didn't know it was that serious." i felt very brushed off and started to examine her behavior more closely, and realized that she could, in general, be extremely dismissive, rude, and volatile with me. of course, this was the most extreme example -- but i realized i needed to protect my peace and start to tell her when what she said hurt me.

finally, this culminated in this past weekend. she had asked me to come wedding dress shopping with her and her family states away. about 48 hours before leaving, she had sent me a voice message ranting and raving about how much she dislikes a bunch of her fiancee's behaviors -- like, literally screaming. just a few days before that, she had told me she didn't want to marry him. i had this awful feeling in my gut basically screaming at me not to go on this trip. i ended up soldiering through it, because i wanted to show up for my friend, but i sent her a voice memo basically asking her to either watch how she speaks about her fiance, because nothing about how she speaks about him indicates they should be together, or to just leave me out of hearing about him entirely. she was very receptive to this and recognized she needed to do better about how she speaks of him.

whilst on this trip, the situation was overall just awkward, with her and her family being very rude to waitstaff and other employees they encountered on this trip, including at the bridal store. she also spoke negatively about me in front of her whole family for not wanting to drink alcohol, which was weird. things culminated when she snapped at me on our way to the train station to go home. i snapped back, and i recognize my tone was harsh, and i owned up to that to her. later, her mom would demand to know what happened, and got into a huge argument with me over it where she called me "pissy and bitchy" and told me that evidently "i can judge other people's behavior, but people can't judge mine." i was really thrown off by the whole situation because ... why is someone's mom attacking me? especially when your kid started it and i was taking the fall for you because i didn't want your mom to get upset and ruin your day? my friend claimed she was very embarrassed about her mom's behavior. i asked her straight up if anything her mom said was based on things she had said previously, and she assured me it wasn't.

however, the next day, she would backtrack on that (over text, which i didn't love) and say she agreed with her mom and also accused me of sharing a screenshot of her saying she didn't want to marry her fiance (which i never did, i just searched for it in our texts when she didn't believe me that she said it). she also said she felt she shouldn't have to prove to a friend that she loves her fiance. i tried to explain myself, saying that i didn't have the screenshot on hand and that i was just quiet at wedding things to not overshadow her, as its her big day, and also that i was having a rougher chronic illness day. also, that her behavior toward her fiance and his behavior toward her was toxic and that i couldn't stand idly by and support it, especially when she's mentioned him throwing things at her.

after this, she sent me a text insinuating not wanting to be friends anymore, saying (surprisingly) nothing bad about me as a friend outside feeling some way about the fact i've been depressed since my grandmother went to the hospital, but saying a lot of mean things about my chronic illness, saying it would ruin the appearance of her wedding if i was struggling and she didn't want guests "asking questions" if i had to take a break. i was extremely hurt by this, especially as we've had many conversations where i've made clear that it upsets me when people make negative assumptions about my chronic illness or make me feel bad for having one. similarly, i sent her back a message cutting things off, outlining my frustrations with the one-sidedness of our friendship, her concern with appearances over my health, and really laying into her about how she spoke about my grandmother. she also in her original message seemed very angry about me pointing out that it should’ve been her maid of honor doing these wedding things with her as opposed to me, who is just a bridesmaid, and didn’t understand the sacrifices i’d been making to do these things with her, rather flippantly asking me if i’d rather her wedding be all about me and that she put a framed picture of me on the wall, which really sucked to hear as i was just trying to outline that asking someone who is just a bridesmaid to do way more than your maid of honor isn’t fair.

obviously, i have probably written this in a way that is biased toward me. i am not a perfect friend, and will never claim to be. especially since my grandmother went to the hospital, i have not been the happiest version of myself, and i recognize that is probably draining to those around me. i could always be a better friend (though she did assure me, even in that final text, that i am not a bad friend). however, is there any justification in me feeling as hurt and betrayed as i feel? i just wish my friendships didn't feel so one-sided, and i don't know how to go about fixing that. for one, maybe i just need better boundaries. i don't know. sound off in the replies, i guess, and let me know your perspectives on all of this. i'm just angry and a bit sad and a bit happy all at once, and i needed a sounding board that wasn't bombarding my boyfriend and my best friends over a situation they're probably sick of hearing about.