u/Enough_shit-1392

I'm never understood and part of that is because I can't talk without joking. It's so funny but also not. Cause when I talk about suicide or mention it in a funny way like "I'm just gonna commit" but as a joke, it's like a cry for help but others just look at it and assume "well they're just joking" like can't any of y'all look deeper? It's not just a joke. I'm struggling and I've been struggling for 7 years now.

I can't just openly go out and say "I'm just sad today" cause then everyone wants to ask "what's wrong?" "Did something happen?" Like yes, something happened, something happened 7 years ago when I was taken away, something happened 3 years ago when my cousin SA'd me, something happened a year ago when my sister told me she got SA'd and I never saw it. Like I was there and I couldn't see my sister was a victim. 6 years old btw. At least i was 14. Like something. Happened. But it's always happening my mind keeps replaying it over and over and over again.

That's why I'm sad today, cause my mind hasn't rested for the last 7 years. And I refuse to get help because I've been scrolling through social media or I talk to a friend and suddenly I realize my problems aren't that big. My brother's friend told me a while ago when he took us out "there's always someone with bigger problems than you." And you know he's right, my problems are nothing compared to a person who was SA'd by their father, my problems are nothing compared to a homeless child. I literally have no problems compared to these people.

But yet all I think about are all my problems I have never spoken up about. I was trying so hard to hide what my cousin did while it killed me, I was hiding my depression saying "oh I'm just sad for a day", I was hiding my anxiety, I was hiding my hurt feelings, I was hiding my tears when I wanted to just sob, I was hiding and I still am hiding.

Do you know how shameful it is to cry in public knowing at my "big age" I shouldn't be but it's like my anxiety grabs my heart and suffocates it while my depression beats it repeatedly and suddenly there's a lump in my throat that I'm swallowing. Do you know how shameful it is to be mocked all your life because you're ugly, stupid, freakish, or just didn't want to study after school?

Then just when you think it's all going your way. Boom. Fucking time bomb. Everything you've been through just hits you. And you don't run to anyone you just lay in bed and cry. You don't tell anyone about the emotional and sometimes physical abuse you had to take when you were 9-14. You don't go to a therapist. You just. Cry.

NSFW:couldn't find the sign for it so here.

I don't know what to do anymore.

My guilt is slowly killing me.

First it was my dog but my sister hit me the hardest.

I failed my dog when we had to put him down, I was 13 and it was the first dog I had ever raised but he turned. I've always blamed myself that will never change.

Failing school is all my fault. I try my best but I just never make it. Maybe it's my fault?

My cousin SA'd, it's all my fault because my shorts were too short, I was 14 he was 22, I remember when he told me that he used to stare at my panties and breasts when I wore a tight shirt or anything. It's all my fault and I feel like a slut. I remember feeling so dirty and trying to end it that night, I still have nightmares. He's in jail now facing 20+ years but my cousins still defend him not knowing he had pictures of me saved in his phone that he got from his girlfriend at the time.

I failed my sister. It's all my fault. My 12 year old F cousin was touching her inappropriately and I failed as an older sister to protect her, she was 6. They looked like best friends around me, she used to always ask to sleep over at her house and everything. My sister never told me till she was 12 herself and I can't stop thinking about it. I wasn't there.

Alana and Jason you have hurt me and my family in a way that God can never forgive you, I hate myself because of you. I am disgusted by myself and at my lowest levels I always remember you. And Alana I fucking trusted you in everyway possible. I thought of you as my sister. That thought is gone now and you'll never get it back. You violated my sister in so many ways for a fucking year and I want nothing more than for you to realize that my sister will always remember what you did. That it never goes away. That when she's at her lowest when she's a teen, she will think of you and I hate, I HATE how she'll probably blame me because I blame me too.

Idk how to deal with this pain anymore.