u/Environmental-Swan65

This community gets a lot of talk about sensory sensitivity, and sounds/textures/smells etc that they don't like, but I wanted to post something more positive and ask what are some of your FAVORITE sensory experiences? Like for me, I love bright colors, and I will often wear bright clothes, or clothes with lots of sparkles and decorations, etc. I also LOVE blankets, like I'm obsessed with them. Since childhood I've had this comforter that is made of a certain material (I still don't know what it is) and it is the softest thing ever, and to this day, I still don't like sleeping in anything else. For food, I mostly like soft/chewy foods, with strong flavor. I don't like crunchy things for the most part, (with the exception of chips/crisps, but crackers and ​​​overcooked/charred meat are a no-no.) And most likely I like my food drenched in sauce. I put extra chicken broth in my ramen because the packet they include isn't enough.​😂 Simple foods like grilled cheese (and bread...and cheese...😂) are too bland for me, I also love strong fragrances, like perfume. Anything ​sweet or floral. Lilac is my absolute FAVORITE, and I love the time in the spring when flowers finally start blooming

What are some of your favorite sensory things?😊👇🏼

Title. I have misophonia, so of course I hate repetitive noises, but I'm talking like repetition itself, literally ANYTHING that happens more than 3 times drives me nuts, people repeating themselves multiple times, hearing a song on repeat, or songs with choruses that are just the same phrase over and over again, (I literally have to edit out the choruses in some of my music) people struggling with something and doing something multiple times, eating the same food multiple days in a row etc. Like I was at the grocery store, at the self checkout, and this guy was struggling to scan a coupon that clearly didn't work, and he was at it for like 15 minutes and I literally had to turn around and not look at him, because I literally couldn't watch him keep doing that. One time at the dentist, the dentist kept tapping her thumb on my lip, as she was talking with my mom, (I'm guessing it was just like a "talking with her hands" kind of thing) and I literally had to reach out and grab her thumb to get her to stop. Another time someone was waving their arms in circles while holding the door open to kind of say "go ahead" and that made me mad too. I'm even sensitive to OTHER people having to repeat themselves sometimes. Like if I can't hear someone, and I have to say "what?" multiple times, I feel really bad. There are plenty of other examples but I don't want to bore you. I feel bad though because I know that stims or repetitive movements are common in the neurodivergent community, and I know it helps people. Can anyone else relate? Or is it just me?

So, I've been lurking on this sub for quite a while. So let's skip the part where I'm not a competitive candidate and admissions is already hard enough as it is shall we? I also wanted to say that I am *riddled* with fear, so please be kind.

So for context, there is two professors that I want to work with, at one school: We'll call then A and B, just to keep them straight (someone else I saw did this) one I know from my undergraduate university and he already knows me and likes me and says he wants to work with me, but is in a completely different subfield research wise. (A) He actually changed schools to the new one, and I told already told him that I wanted to "follow" him there. And the other professor is a professor that matches REALLY well with my interests that I also really like. (B) The issue is that A apparently isn't a TT professor at the new school. (I just found that out recently) He can apply for PI and graduate supervisor status, but he told me right now that his position will require him to co-advise. My dream was for him to be a PI and for me to apply to him directly, but that's not possible right now, so that's why I contacted B.

Anyway, I had a meeting with B and it went well. He told me essentially that he's taking students, and that if I want to work with him, I should essentially tailor my application to his research. But then he kept saying about A, "I just don't see the point of having him as an advisor if you want to do my research" and said that there was "no point" in co-advising with him, he made that very clear. I think most people can agree that advisor fit is the most important thing during a PhD, And I'll be completely honest, having A as an advisor is the most important thing for me. Research fit is important but secondary. And I'm much more comfortable changing my research plans a bit to match A's research, than to work with someone I don't know, and don't know if they'll be a good advisor, but "I have worked with him before and have a close relationship with him and I've seen him teach and mentor students, and I want him to advise me" is not something I can reliably put on an application. So I'll probably end up having to apply to B, unless the first A can magically get the research supervision permission before I start, which is unlikely. What do I do? Do I apply to the B, wait a year or two until A gets research supervision, or do I find someone else who might be able to co-advise? Have any of you ever applied to a certain professor for advisor fit over research fit? And how did you go about explaining that in your application?

A while ago I posted something here called "crying every time my dad gets angry" and I'm here again to complain again, but this time. I'm being honest about my feelings for him. I don't like him, and I've been afraid to say that. ​

I mean, yes him confusing astronomy and aerospace is frustrating as hell. But this wasn't even about that this time. It's something bigger, something deeper. It's about me being an introvert. He thinks I'm purposely being anti-social, like I'm purposely shutting everyone out, like a kid with abandonment issues, who refuses to let anyone get close to them. And I'm NOT! I'm plenty talkative and happy around my coworkers and my friends. I mean sure, I'm not "talking an hour nonstop" yapper- social, but I answer questions, I ask them, I have conversations. It really is just him. No one yells at me like he does. No one makes me feel like there's something wrong with me like he does. Even sometimes in my head I'm like "see? HE/SHE/THEY doesn't yell at me" and the reason I shut down around him is BECAUSE he says shit like "I'm coddled" or "professors aren't real world" and he doesn't realize how hurtful those statements can be, even if someone looked him in the eye and said "hey that hurt me" He makes me feel like I'm inadequate sometimes for something I can't control, like being an introvert. And then he says shit like that and then he WONDERS why I don't want to talk to him, and then literally gives me a perfect example why the very next minute. It's a vicious cycle.

I don't do this with anyone else it's literally just him. I thought we were able to have a friendly debate yesterday like what I told you about, where he said that there wasn't anything wrong with me, and that's it's that's just who I am, then that's who I am. But then the very next day he calls me "closed off" when I told him I needed a break from my coworker's yapping, when I was TRYING to have a conversation with him about what he was saying because I thought that what he was talking about was all super cool! I tried to ask him about his flight similuator and I told him that my coworker built an AI agent to play flight similuator and minecraft for him! I was very excited to tell him about that, but then as soon as I said I need a break from my lunch break, (and that was supposed to be FUNNY, you know those people who just keep talking and talking non stop, and they're just...exhausting?) he starts ranting about "why do you need so many breaks?" And then he said "I don't think it's good for you to be so closed off like that." I was literally JUST trying to have a conversation with you, and you shut me down. And he still wonders why I don't like talking to him.

I want to also point out that it's ONE break a day. One 30 minute lunch break, and that's it. Sometimes I'll take like a half an hour after dinner. That's the only time I get alone. Out of 8 hours at work. That shouldn't be too much to ask, but for some reason it is for him. "Why do you need so many breaks?" You mean ONE break a day. Bffr.

And what's funny, is that he calls himself an introvert which I think he is, but yet he can't sit through a 30 minute drive to work without thinking I'm mad at him for not talking. And I shouldn't need to say this but I'M DRIVING!! Is it not normal to want to focus on driving while I'm...driving?

I do understand it from him perspective. I really do. I mean, he's trying to connect with his daughter. That's a completely normal goal. But then again, when he asks me questions I try to answer them, he asks me questions about work all the time. And when he asks, I try to give him detailed answers. Like do you know ho much easier it would be for me to just say I don't know, and move on? SO much easier, but no, I choose to talk to him because I know he's curious, I know he wants to know about my job. And yes I know I can be distant sometimes, but that shouldn't send him into a rant he has right before go into work and then makes me go into work crying. I feel like he doesn't realize how much effort it take for me TO be social with him. Like he only points out when I'm quiet and never appreciates when I talk. Which again, takes effort and energy I don't always have.

I've been kind of afraid to say this, but I feel like loving my dad feels like a chore right now. Like being jealous of my professsor, for having a dad that never yells? That shouldn't be happening. The last few months, I kept thinking to myself that it would just just easier sometimes if he wasn't here...😢 Like when I say I love him at night, or when I give him father's day presents, it doesn't feel genuine. Like yes, I know I love him, but he makes it hard sometimes...

I just wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I had a "thicker skin" like he wants me to. But we talked about the "straw that breaks the camels back" and this was it. I've been tolerating his comments, dismissing my goals, criticizing my upbringing, dismissing my strength, without saying anything, and I just decided I couldn't take it anymore today. And the fact that he does this on the way to work, and I have to go into work and try not to cry and pretend like everything is okay, like does he not know how EXHAUSTING that is?

Sorry this rant was so long, this was just the first time I've been able to say this without feeling guilty or like a bad person about it. I plan to delete this within like a week.

(And for context I don't have my drivers license so he needs to go with me to work, but I'm taking my test at the end of the month, and let me tell you the sweet freedom I'll feel when I no longer have to deal with his shenanigans before work...)

I had a friendly debate with my dad this morning about being an introvert and why people are so uncomfortable with silence, and he was saying like, "Well if there's 2 people doing the work and there's one person there who's just sitting there, you'll wonder why that person isn't participating" meaning, having a conversation. I was saying like "But what if all of people want to just sit there and be quiet? Why do people feel the need to fill that silence with conversation?" I mean obviously if the other 2 people are putting in the effort to talk to you, you want to match that effort, but why is it always the default that other people want to talk and you don't? Like what if all 3 of them are introverts and don't want to talk, like why is that considered so weird to people?

And I started talking about how sometimes I was indirectly "taught" as a kid that being an introvert wasn't okay, and he was telling me how he doesn't like the word "Taught" and I was saying but isn't that essentially what it is? Some people are uncomfortable with silence so they try to fill in that space, and anyone who doesn't do that is considered weird or broken. This is just how I am!! Like at work, one of my coworkers invited me to come sit with the team at a company meeting, and I feel like I couldn't say no because she would think that was weird. I prefer to eat by myself because I'm interacting with customers and teammates all day. I need time to just relax and not talk to anyone and lunch is my only time to do that.

He did actually say it was selfish if other people are trying to talk to me and I'm not talking to them, which like, I agree to a point, obviously if people are trying to talk to you and you're not engaging, it can look to them like you don't care. I've been guilty of that on MULTIPLE occasions But again, at work today, I went to the break room and another coworker was trying to talk to me, he was yapping about AI and robotics and technology stuff, and I was just trying to have a nice quiet lunch. And I was engaged, I was listening to him and answering questions and asking him some, and I mean, yes it was cool what he was talking about, but whew, it was exhausting. I needed a break from my lunch break.😂 My dad calls himself an introvert, and I think he is, but I also think he doesn't fully understand what that means and is just using the label. He doesn't understand the social battery or the idea that talking to people DRAINS you, he thinks an introvert is just someone who like to be alone, which isn't necessarily true. An introvert can like socializing, even enjoy it, but when they're done, they're tired. Like, I love my coworker and I like talking to him, but when he talks I need a break.

And he was saying "well with silence you don't know what's going on in their head, you don't know if they're mad at you, or if you said something etc" then ask! a quick little "are you mad at me" is easy to ask. And you shouldn't always assume someone is mad at you if they're quiet. Most of the time, especially in the car, I'm just looking out the window and enjoying the scenery, probably thinking about life or whatever is going on in my head at the moment. That's a completely normal thing to do, and it's weird for people to just go straight to "She's mad at me" if I'm simply looking out the window enjoying life.

"I mean logically I understand, but there's nothing inherently wrong with silence. It's just... the absence of noise. If you don't like being alone, put on some music, or find someone else to talk to. Don't be bugging an introvert on their lunch break when that's the only time they have to catch an actual break lol

My TC's been rather mysterious these last couple of months and it's driving me nuts. I finally emailed my professors about my grad applications, and he responded with nothing but "Yes this email works for me" nothing about advice for applications or materials or anything. I've been meaning to catch up with him to ask how things are going at his new school but he didn't even tell me about the job when he got it! I told him to let me know where he goes next, and he didn't. I've been thinking about how he might be hiding bad news and that's why he's not talking to me, but like he didn't tell me about the job, and that's GREAT news, so it's not that. I swear this man is hiding something, and it's driving me crazy. He's a yapper and an oversharer in person, so for him to be this quiet, is SO unlike him.

And like, he might think I'm being too clingy, but I always make sure to wait at least a month in between when I email him, 2 if I can help it. And I always make sure that it's an actual request, instead of just small talk "we should catch up some time" kind of thing. I usually try not to spiral when he doesn't answer his email, but I mean. This is grad school, and my literal future at stake. So this times it's REALLY important.

WHY WON'T THIS MAN TALK TO ME??

How do you guys handle your TCs being distant?👇🏼

I was just thinking, about how a lot of antis believe that we're better off hiding ourselves and being miserable and thinking something is wrong with us, than us being happy and expressing who we are. And I was thinking, my whole life I was told that being transrace is wrong and racist and harmful. I've struggled to accept who I am, because of my love for Native American culture, and my whole life I've felt like something is wrong with me and that I'm a bad person for feeling this way.

I got called out once for saying comparing being transrace to being transgender, but I'm going to make the comparison anyway because it's the only way some people will understand. ​Think about it this way: if I told you that I experienced dysphoria and dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts because of it, and I spent my whole life denying it, and the only way to get rid of it is to transition, would you tell me to hide it and try to tell me that I was wrong, or would you accept me as who I am? It's the same way LGBTQ+ people we're stigmatized years ago, saying that their gender or sexuality was wrong. Then people found out that, no there's nothing wrong with them, and that there's an actual scientific basis behind it. And I can hardly believe that any reasonable or compassionate person would believe it's better to stigmatize that intense of a feeling, than to simply accept the person as they are. (and we shouldn't HAVE to go so far as to say "I experience acute distress because of this feeling" to be treated like normal people.)

My transrace people: there is nothing wrong with you. You are not racist or disrespectful for having a feeling you can't control. If you are comfortable, please share your experiences with dysphoria and if you've experienced transphobia because of it, and if it made it better or worse!👇🏼

Commercial: "go outside, go for a walk" is NOT something you should say to someone with a mental illness Dad: but they should go outside. Me: but what if they do all of that and they still have a mental illness Dad: then maybe they didn't do it enough.

That's not how that works.😂

I'm literally saying this as someone who has a good job, a loving family, a nice home, who journals and walks the dog with my mom regularly. Guess what? I still have anxiety!😃

For context, I am 100% East Asian, the majority of that is Han Chinese. I'm not white or mixed with white, I'm just Chinese. But one day coming home from the Doctor's, I noticed that my file said that I was white. I'm adopted, and my parents are white, so I figured that it was because the doctor didn't know and assumed I was the same race as my parents. I quickly got home and corrected that and sent a message to the clinic letting them know. But since then I've always had really mild race dysphoria of "Am I Asian enough" and I've started wanting to darken my skin. I don't consider myself white passing, and I'm not super pale, nor am I super tan. But some of my family is like...Hella tan. There are literally white people who are tanner than me.

I've been thinking about how people say that trans(gender) phobia, hurts cis people too. Women with PCOS, men with gynecomastia, intersex people, people with high sex hormones. And I can't help but draw parallels to being trace/diaracial. Trace phobia assumes that everyone who wants to change their physical features is "those stupid rcta people" and not just... cis race people who just want to look more like themselves. Especially when it comes to light skinned or white passing POC. Blood quantum is a huge thing on the native community, and plenty of light skinned or mixed natives are accused of "pretending"​ or appropriating their own culture. Reconnecting natives, light skinned POC, biracial or mixed children. (Not to mention, there is nothing WRONG with being trace. Even if that person were to be trace, that doesn't give you the permission to treat them like less than.) Transphobia isn't good for anyone, including the people it claims to protect.

My aunt was talking about how this one person she interviewed had this big neck tattoo, and she said she couldn't focus on anything BUT her neck tattoo. I'm not saying don't be professional, or look nice, I'm saying it shouldn't be a deciding factor on whether or not someone gets a job or not. I told my therapist about this and she completely agreed. I was like: what about hijabis? What about alt people? What about people with tattoos and piercings? You're saying they can't express themselves and their identity. What about in the future when I'm wearing a jilbab, are they going to call that unprofessional?? And what about my professor? He literally came to class one day wearing a sweater and shorts. If they had passed him over for what he was wearing, they would have missed out on someone incredible. I'm just saying, if I get an interview for grad school, and they reject me for not "dressing professionally" then I'm going to throw hands, not literally, but...there will be some choice words...

edit: I'm not saying you should be able to look as wild/weird looking as possible. I'm not a fan of face tattoos myself. Here's a story I don't know why I didn't include: During an interview I picked out a nice floral blouse and khaki dress pants. My mom told me even THAT was too casual. I was baffled. She then proceeded to tell me how to HOLD MY PURSE before I went in. I don't have any problems with "conformity" because I just HAPPEN, to look like how most people would expect me to. I LIKE dressing up.

I'm just saying that people shouldn't be worrying about whether or not they look absolutely perfect for an interview, when they should be worrying about, you know... whether or not they can do the fucking job. And regardless of whether or not you have tattoos or piercings or whatever else, it shouldn't be the only deciding factor on whether or not someone gets a job. THAT'S what I'm angry about.