u/Ephemeral_Climate01

Feeling a bit pathetic but I just want someone safe enough to let me fawn without freezing because I just can’t help with my people pleasing attitude and recovery is very slow. I’m hoping to find a safe space until my nervous system realizes it doesn’t have to fawn and relapse anymore.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because the deeper I get into recovery, the more obvious it becomes that my entire personality was built around managing other people

I mean in an overt people pleaser way yes but also much more deeper ways it hides behind competence. Hyper-awareness. Thoughtfulness. Over-functioning. Just being useful? Like I always want to be useful to others. It’s pathetic sometimes.

Some of the ways I’ve journaled that I do it:
I become extremely useful.
I anticipate needs before they’re spoken.
I over-explain so nobody misunderstands me.
I curate conversations.
I monitor moods constantly.
I make myself emotionally lightweight and endlessly

people often experience this as kindness or maturity, so for years I didn’t realize it was actually fear. Fear that if I stop performing usefulness, I stop being lovable. And it’s very important for me to be good and to seem good. Although in my mind I know I’m not good and I’m deeply worthless despite wealth and intellect.

I 32m grew up with a father who needed me to emotionally regulate him, and a mother who emotionally disappeared under stress. There was never a sense that I could just exist safely as a child. I always felt responsible for the emotional atmosphere around me.

So now, as an adult, my nervous system still reacts to small relational things like they’re life-or-death events. A slightly awkward text. A delayed response. The possibility I annoyed someone. It immediately triggers this intense urge to fix, soothe, accommodate, perform.

And I know the healthy answer is probably “you need stronger boundaries” or “you need to stop fawning.”

I think part of me is just profoundly touch-starved for safe attachment. I just need someone calm enough that my nervous system could eventually learn: to do not have to earn safety here.
Because right now I can intellectually understand that I’m safe and still physically feel like abandonment is seconds away at all times.
I’ve built a stable life for myself. I live alone. I escaped poverty. I finished a PhD. I saved money. Objectively, my life is safer than it has ever been.
But internally I still feel like a frightened kid trying to prevent catastrophe by being indispensable.
And weirdly, I think healing has made me crave softness more, not less. Does it make sense?

Feeling a bit pathetic but I just want someone safe enough to let me fawn without freezing because I just can’t help with my people pleasing attitude and recovery is very slow. I’m hoping to find a safe space until my nervous system realizes it doesn’t have to fawn and relapse anymore.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because the deeper I get into recovery, the more obvious it becomes that my entire personality was built around managing other people

I mean in an overt people pleaser way yes but also much more deeper ways it hides behind competence. Hyper-awareness. Thoughtfulness. Over-functioning. Just being useful? Like I always want to be useful to others. It’s pathetic sometimes.

Some of the ways I’ve journaled that I do it:
I become extremely useful.
I anticipate needs before they’re spoken.
I over-explain so nobody misunderstands me.
I curate conversations.
I monitor moods constantly.
I make myself emotionally lightweight and endlessly

people often experience this as kindness or maturity, so for years I didn’t realize it was actually fear. Fear that if I stop performing usefulness, I stop being lovable. And it’s very important for me to be good and to seem good. Although in my mind I know I’m not good and I’m deeply worthless despite wealth and intellect.

I 32m grew up with a father who needed me to emotionally regulate him, and a mother who emotionally disappeared under stress. There was never a sense that I could just exist safely as a child. I always felt responsible for the emotional atmosphere around me.

So now, as an adult, my nervous system still reacts to small relational things like they’re life-or-death events. A slightly awkward text. A delayed response. The possibility I annoyed someone. It immediately triggers this intense urge to fix, soothe, accommodate, perform.

And I know the healthy answer is probably “you need stronger boundaries” or “you need to stop fawning.”

I think part of me is just profoundly touch-starved for safe attachment. I just need someone calm enough that my nervous system could eventually learn: to do not have to earn safety here.
Because right now I can intellectually understand that I’m safe and still physically feel like abandonment is seconds away at all times.
I’ve built a stable life for myself. I live alone. I escaped poverty. I finished a PhD. I saved money. Objectively, my life is safer than it has ever been.
But internally I still feel like a frightened kid trying to prevent catastrophe by being indispensable.
And weirdly, I think healing has made me crave softness more, not less. Does it make sense?