To keep going or walk away
So we are two years into the IVF journey. Started at 43 w) dor. 2 failed IVF rounds w/ no more than 2 day 3 fresh transfers. Third round I get woken up to find they got nothing. That stung so hard . We also worked w/ our clinic for donor eggs and matched right as we were starting the third round. Took me months of genetic grieving. We jumped right in and finally things seemed to start turning around. Of a cohort of 6 eggs, we got 4 day 5 blasts. We transferred one on April 24 and it stuck . Betas great, each ultrasound went well heart beat kept getting stronger, until last Fri at our 12 WK sono. ...no heartbeat.
Now, I turned 45 yesterday and tomorrow I get the gift of a d&c. To say devastated is an understatement. I'm petrified and emotionally paralyzed. There are 3 embryos left and I'm afraid they're all bad; I'm scared the Drs will now say something is wrong w/ me (had all autoimmune testing done nothing-even taking plaquenil since Jan as a mitigator for genetic markers I have - though no diagnosis).
It has been my dream to be a mom since I was a little girl. Had to wait so long (life stuff) . Had to accept I could do DE and now it fails after 12 weeks. We literally hit the end of the first trimester and BAM fuck us. It'll be Oct before we can try again ( if everything goes correctly) and I'd be lucky if I'm still 46 (more likely 47) if a child is born. Is that fair to a child to be 3 years old w/ 50 yr old mom on playground?
I know the grief is still fresh but as we all know here time is of the essence. Do I keep going or call it a day now? If so, how do I get myself believing again?
Edit - to include we are testing the d&c sample. Also Nipt test results came back low risk for the trisomies.