r/donorconception

I’m a 41yo SMBC with a 3 month old via IVF with anonymous (ID) donor from sperm bank so has donor siblings with limits. I have 2 additional euploid embryos. I would love to have 2nd child, but I am worried about it bc I’m older and had potentially life threatening complications that are likely to recur with repeat pregnancies which then also puts the fetus at risk of complications as well as preterm and potentially very preterm delivery. I also worry that as a solo parent I won’t be able to parent 2 well (related to time, and financial constraints). I also have very demanding job. I definitely don’t think 3 by myself is doable unless I end up with a partner or something. I recently have started to wonder what that might be like for my daughter to one day know there are frozen embryos that could have been her siblings. What is DCP perspective on this? Joes important is it to have a full sibling in a single parent home? Have any RPs broached this with your donor conceived children? How has that gone?

Has anyone used an egg bank from Mexico for donor eggs? The cost of 6 eggs in the US is bank breaking, so I’m looking into egg banks in Mexico. I want to know the reputable banks, and if they were easy to work with. Did your US clinic accept eggs from out of the country?

I really want to cross post, but I didn’t know what sub to post in besides this one.

Thank you all for your input/advice!

Partner and I have been on the ivf journey for 5-6 years now. No successful transfers in all that time and our doctor has indicated donor eggs are likely needed.

We’re considering Spain based on our doctors recommendation as well as timeframes and good feedback we’ve been reading online.

Is anyone able to share their experiences with this kind of pathway? Whether it’s undertaking ivf with donor treatments in Spain or just raising a donor conceived child in general with only one parents genetic input?

The two issues glaring us in the face currently are,

1. The complete lack of choice we as the intended parents have in the selection process of egg donor. Apparently we’ll only be informed upon successful implantation of hair, eye, skin colour.
2. Complete anonymity from Spain laws that might come into play later in the conceived child’s life in regards to tracing family history etc.

Any insights would be really helpful and appreciated!

hey all! has anyone found a donor in colorado successfully? what was the process like? I’m a 30F and am looking into donors. can anyone tell me what their experience was like? any tips?

thanks!

I watched a video the other day that said that only 5% of women who freeze their eggs come back to use them.

I’m thinking of moving to donor eggs and from an ethical standpoint for the donor this seems like a better source of eggs?

They are going through retrieval out of their own free will for their own gain but then the eggs become surplus to requirements.

The ethical side is one I’ve been thinking about… I’ve been through 6 retrievals many back to back and it’s really damaged my health, my endo is out of control- and that’s partly the reason I’m considering donor eggs. But I also feel guilty for another to go through it, even if it’s out of pure altruism.

So basically I’m wondering which clinics offer unused frozen eggs?

Hi everyone! My husband and I are contemplating using donor sperm to get pregnant. We've done all of the xyz about testing etc so this is where we have landed. I'm looking for recommendations on what banks you have used, did you prefer to also use a fertility clinic as opposed to just at home insemination, what you liked or didn't like about the places that you used and also the places that you decided not to go with. We are just starting to look into this part of our journey so any help/advice/ personal experience would be great! Thank you!

i’ve had 4 failed IUIs. it’s really disheartening as expected. im wondering if there is something wrong with the donor sperm im getting. my clinic keeps telling me i look perfectly fine! i am preparing for my next cycle which is going to now be IVF and just wanna know what i can do or if anyone has any advice on donor sperm. i used the same donor for rounds 1-3 and a new donor on #4. I called Create (fertility clinic in toronto that does IUI procedures) they said all the post sperm counts were “good”. i’m hearing contradicting things which sucks. anyways.. im starting IVF soon and im really feeling scared. i really want it to work. i’m hoping to hear some success stories. i’ve started acupuncture and im doing everything in my power to make me as healthy as possible. here are all of my results from previous IUIs:

IUI #1 (Natural Cycle) – March 2026
Left follicle: 18 mm (1.8 cm)
Estradiol (E2): ~1,197 pmol/L
LH: 16.11 IU/L
Endometrial lining: Clinic said it looked good
Post-wash sperm count: 4.35 million
Motility: 29%
Started progesterone after IUI
Blood test 14 days later:
β-hCG 11.92
48 hours later dropped to 6
Outcome: Chemical pregnancy

IUI #2 (Natural Cycle)
Post-wash sperm count: 5.38 million
Motility: 36%
Pregnancy test: Negative

IUI #3 (Medicated Cycle)
Clomid
Ovidrel trigger
Crinone progesterone
Hormone monitoring included:
FSH: 9.97
LH: 17.6
Estradiol values increased appropriately throughout monitoring (I have values including 1,118, 1,536, 2,236, and 5,609 pmol/L from that cycle’s monitoring, but not tied to specific days anymore)
Clinic only reported follicles once they reached ≥1.5 cm
Sperm count - 4 million @ 31% motility
Outcome: Negative pregnancy test

IUI #4 (Medicated clomid cycle)
Post-wash semen count and motility (minimum 1.5Million) = 4.63M AT 31%
Estrogen = 7921
LH level = 16.91
Right ovarian follicle(s) = 1.79
Left ovarian follicle(s) = 2.8 2.28 2.14

Overall Fertility Testing
AMH: 3.8 pmol/L
AFC:
Right ovary: 4
Left ovary: 6
Total AFC: 10

please let me know if anyone has any advice for someone newly starting IVF❤️

hi! my husband and I are using a donor due to his severe male factor infertility. After a really heartbreaking journey to get here, we are really excited to get to our first ever embryo transfer soon.

we have both been in therapy for some time processing donor conception and preparing to do our best for our baby. but one question we keep coming up against is balancing the right level of info to share with others that our baby is donor conceived. baby and all family and friends in their day to day life will know from day 1, and many family and friends already know.

im more concerned about my later-in-life added step sister and her mean husband. should we inform them so no one finds out at Christmas and shouts about it across the table? we want to respect our future child and understand they may have preferences too.

curious how others strike the balance with extended family who you see maybe once a year or even strained family relationships. Thank you very much in advance!

Moving forward with donor eggs and terrified the baby won’t feel like mine

Moving forward with donor eggs and terrified the baby won’t feel like mine

My husband and I have been dealing with infertility for about 7 years. I’ve gone through IVF with my own eggs, and after everything we’ve been through, donor eggs are looking like the next realistic option for us.

I’m having a much harder time with it than I expected.
I want to preface this by saying that I know a donor-conceived child would legally and socially be my child. I understand that I would carry the pregnancy, give birth, raise them, love them, take care of them, etc. I’m not trying to offend anyone who has used donor eggs or who is donor conceived.

I’m trying to be completely honest about what is going through my head before I make an irreversible decision.
I am having an incredibly difficult time with the fact that genetically, the child would be my husband’s and the donor’s, but not mine.

Genetics have always meant a lot to me. My younger sister and I share a mother, and I helped raise her. I’ve always told her that in a strange way we’ve “always been together,” because the egg that eventually became her was once inside our mother while I was there too, and our mother’s eggs were once inside our grandmother. I’ve always found that maternal line incredibly beautiful.

I always imagined my child being the next person in that line.

Accepting that this will most likely never happen has been devastating.

The closer donor eggs become to being a reality, the stranger I feel about it.

I’m scared that pregnancy will feel like I’m carrying my husband’s child rather than our child. I’m scared of seeing the first ultrasound and feeling nothing or being scared to look at it. I’m scared the baby will be born and look like my husband mixed with a woman I’ve never met, and that I’ll feel like a surrogate rather than their mother.

My husband desperately wants to be a father. Infertility has been incredibly painful for him too, and donor eggs would allow him to have a biological child.

I also feel an enormous amount of shame about needing donor eggs. I don’t think I could tell most of my family. The idea of people knowing that I carried a pregnancy but the baby wasn’t genetically mine feels humiliating to me right now, even though rationally I know infertility isn’t something I chose.

And then there is the donor herself.
I initially told my husband he could choose the donor because I don’t think I can emotionally handle looking through photographs of women and deciding whose eggs should replace mine. Then I realized that would mean my husband might know exactly what the donor looks like. I started imagining him looking at our newborn and recognizing her features.

That thought absolutely gutted me.

I know some of this is grief talking. I know some of it is probably fear. And I know I may feel completely differently about an actual child than I do about a hypothetical embryo.

So I really want to hear specifically from people who carried and raised children conceived with donor eggs, especially if you struggled badly with the genetic aspect beforehand.

I would especially appreciate honesty from anyone who \*didn’t\* immediately bond with their baby. I don’t need reassurance that everything always works out. I need to know what this can actually feel like.

I desperately wanted a child made from my husband and me. I spent seven years believing that somehow we would eventually get there.

I’m starting to understand that accepting donor eggs isn’t just accepting another fertility treatment. For me, it’s grieving that child and deciding whether I can genuinely want and love a different one.

This is more of a “PSA” from my point of view as the one who will (hopefully) carry. My wife and I began this process (finally) after several years of having to postpone due to unrelated injuries/surgeries. Also, we do not have insurance coverage with fertility benefits so this is all self pay.

Donor Selection: We finally selected a donor, which was a long process and entirely strange for both of us. Ultimately we made that decision based on his heritage, health, intelligence and eye color (for her). I wanted someone that was taller than me (I’m 5’10”, so this cut down the selection significantly.) She wanted someone with blue eyes, as that is what she and everyone in her family has. (Giving the genes a chance to work that one out, as mine are hazel brown.) We both agreed on wanting someone who prioritized their health and was intelligent . Everyone has their own reasons for selecting a donor, but this was ours.

Testing: I had all of my prerequisite tests done (bloodwork, genetics, etc) and everything appeared “normal” for a 35 year old. I was a carrier for several genetic mutations, which was interesting, as I did not know anyone in the family that had been affected. I was a carrier for the CYP21A2 gene, which leads to Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH), and the GAA gene, which causes Pompe Disease. We selected our donor who did not have these same mutations and got it cleared through our clinic. I will say though that our clinic initially cleared him for selection, and we purchased four vials of donor sperm. We then were notified that he was a carrier for a gene mutation that I had NOT been tested for. Little stressful, but what I did was call the place who did my genetic testing (Fulgent) and they were able to “unmask” that gene to see if I was also a carrier. Luckily, I was not! So we were then re-cleared to go.

Conception Method Decision: My wife and I decided that I would try to proceed with an unmedicated, monitored IUI cycle. I will say that because I did not take any medications throughout my cycle, everything progressed a lot slower than what I think the clinic is “used” to seeing, as a lot of patients have to take medications. Because I do not have any known fertility issues, and my only problem is a lack of access to sperm, my dr advised going mostly unmedicated, except for a trigger shot of Ovidrel. I had the conception that medication would increase my chances of pregnancy, but according to my Dr, this is false. For someone with no known fertility issues, it does not increase the chances of a successful pregnancy, but it does increase the risk of multiples or ectopic pregnancies. So, unmedicated it was.

IUI #1: I did not realize that I would need so many vaginal ultrasounds. My clinic does one on your day 3-5 of your period , and then every 5-7 days until a follicle reaches an appropriately large size. I only had one follicle develop, and it seemed to grow slowly. I realized that I have a longer cycle (31 days) and do not reach peak fertility (Clear Blue) until day 19/20/21. The first IUI I triggered late on day 20 for an IUI the morning of day 22. The IUI was about like a PAP smear. However, the first one I had an initial reaction after of being “grossed out” and felt very emotional about this being the process to attempt to conceive. It’s just a sterile environment, and there is nothing romantic about it (at least, for me.) I had no major reactions to the trigger shot this round and ultimately, ended up getting my period prior to the 14 day wait.

IUI #2: This round I had one less ultrasound, probably because the clinic learned I have a longer cycle and progress more slowly. Again, I had one mature follicle and it was slightly larger than the previous cycle had been at the same time. This time I triggered on day 19 for an IUI on day 21. This time, I bruised from the shot, had very vivid dreams and felt physically hot. Like I felt like heat was coming off of me and was nauseous the next morning after the trigger. So this was very different than the first time. This time, I did not have a physical reaction to the actual IUI and felt okay with it all. On day 8 after the IUI, I began to feel “strange”. I began to feel very bloated and by day 9, I began to get feelings of being light headed off and on. I took a pregnancy test, even though I knew it was very early, because I felt so weird. I had some very mild cramps that came and went and by day 10 post IUI, I did not have my usual pre period symptoms. At this point, I was feeling pretty confident that something was going on with my hormones, as I would get that same hot feeling that I had post trigger shot. When I did not get my period initially on day 32 of my cycle, I was convinced that I may actually be pregnant. However, I took a test which still stated that I was negative. This was still day 11 post IUI, so it was still a bit early. Well, by the afternoon and shortly after I took the negative test,I began spotting. So… I have no real explanation for all of the strange symptoms that I experienced. Maybe it was the effects of the trigger shot on my hormones, maybe it was some sort of half-assed implantation -hah! I’m not sure, but it threw me for a loop mentally.

Moving Forward: We have decided to try for a 3rd IUI and then reevaluate after. Hopefully this one sticks and we won’t have to make that decision. We will have one vial left of donor sperm after this round, and the donor does not have any currently available for additional purchase. We have discussed moving forward to IVF for a fourth attempt , if it comes to that point. I’ll attempt to update after this round.

Hope this helps anyone going through this weird process! Feel free to ask any questions that you may have.

I’m on the fence about using my own eggs or someone else’s as someone with ASD with a dense family history without family history of intellectual disability who has had significant cognitive and mental health challenges with existential crisis and self-esteem issues. Either way, I will be using a sperm donor whom I believe has no psychiatric or neurodevelopmental family history, is well educated but not more advanced than the general population and emotionally stable/resilient, so they would be donor conceived regardless. People with ASD can face a lot of stigma, shame, isolation, difficulty with supposedly simple or natural abilities, infantilising treatment and downplaying of abilities and they can have analytical, deep thought processes about existence or other topics which can exacerbate mental illness or indecisiveness and more suicidal ideation/thoughts that they should not exist. 

My understanding is that donor conceived individuals can feel a great sense of grief over not having the genetic connection to their parents and that could be just as significant or worse. I intend to provide a homeschool environment and take them to neurodivergent groups to connect with others who are different as well as focusing on what type of life they say they want and what seems to be suitable for them (even if that means sending them to school) and focusing far more on happiness and connection than what children supposedly should do. If I didn’t know that most people weren’t similar to me, that would take away the main issue for me (being the only one like that and being singled out) and they don’t have to be exposed to societal expectations and their struggle to meet them. It can be about what they want to do with their life, focusing mostly on positive qualities and supporting the person they are/want to be, maybe with the exception of homeschooling or independent study taking very little time a day. 

I read that mental illness and shame can be buffered by environment, so I’m a little less worried about that and would be happy to have a neurodivergent/differently-abled child given that they want to exist, they feel good about themselves and their identity and they are mostly happy but ultimately I want what the child wants (which unfortunately I don’t know in advance), so I want to weigh in how people from these situations I’m considering feel.

Hi all, I am so grateful for this group. I am really torn here and need advice. I am a SMBC in the process of choosing an egg donor. I have dark curly hair with hazel eyes. My known sperm donor is light skinned blond/blue eyes.  I am debating between two options. Both have been known to create embryos (but no live births tracked).

Donor 1: early 20s. She has one brother and no known cancers (at least reported). She has light brown hair/brown eyes.
 
Donor 2: early 20s. She has a few siblings. One of her sisters also donated. One grandfather had lung cancer and the other pancreatic inflammation. She has dark hair/brown eyes.
 
I am worried about the fact that if I go with Donor 1 the child may not look like me at all. If I go with Donor 2 I am afraid that they will have a lot of extended siblings cousins through her and her sister’s donations.  How would you decide?