u/Equal_Dot_7656

my girl scout leader chewed me out about being respectful. I kind of want to do it again (vindictive). anyone want to meet up?

I had one of my favorite evenings of my life at ahha tulsa. the art installations were mesmerizing and painting with my friends afterwards I felt so happy and lighthearted and loved. when we left it was the most beautiful warm night. I could weep with nostalgia, when I die I hope I get a long ass replay

what makes life worth living? please don’t say loving a significant other because I can’t provide that for myself. I’m still committed to my goal of going out every weekend until the fall, but tonight I just felt like a piece of meat, entertaining nice but perverted elderly men and everyone went home early. the bar is an alternate universe where everyone is ten times as kind and I laugh more than I do all week but it didn’t fill my soul up this weekend. what the fuck else is there, romantasy novels? I feel like since I achieved my impossible goal of earning my degree (dumb girl, a 7-year affair) I need another bed of coals to rake myself over, so at least I can feel like my soul is stretching toward something. I feel like grease in a pan and I’m going to sit in a butter tub on top of someone’s fridge forever soon.

ik this is probably a form of derealization but I occasionally feel like my head is splitting open in deranged confusion. about how anything exists

in college I had a psychotic reaction to a medication and got off it fast but felt typical “the world isn’t real” derealization for a few months. it felt subdued and dreamlike. now when I feel this I feel extremely perturbed, plugged in and like there’s something on the other side of this wall of current existence I just need to break through. it’s like 15 seconds of willingness to do my big one and escape/reach true understanding. then I am back to normal woman loving my only life.

I subscribe to cheerful absurdism 99% of the time but sometimes this feeling grips me by the throat!! and I can’t do shrooms or whatever because my job.