u/Equivalent-Size-5473

Hi, I’ve been struggling with the recent loss of our family dog Oliver. It has been just over 2 weeks. I am 34 y/o. I now live with my fiancé and our two rescue dogs, a mile from the house I grew up in. I was living at my parents’ when we adopted Oliver, so I “grew up” with him. In 2016 he jumped from a high surface and landed wrong, resulting in a spinal stroke. His mobility in his hind legs didn’t quite return to normal but he was able to walk completely independently again. My dad would say “he runs better than he walks” because he would be able to kind of bounce around and gain momentum. Sometimes when walking/going up steps he’d stumble, but he’d pick himself right back up again and keep going with his tail wagging. He was so happy. In 2021 he had a disc injury, and we were kind of back at square one again. We did rehab, got him a Help ‘Em Up harness, and with time he again was able to walk independently again. We’d just lift up his back end if he needed a little assistance, stumbled, etc. In 2021 he was at least 10 years old, but still acted like a puppy otherwise. I guess I say that to provide some context, because as the years went on his body gradually slowed down, got tired, aged, and gained arthritis.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly he was completely unable to walk on his own. I know last summer/fall I have pictures and videos of him still standing and walking unassisted. We live in Ohio, and my parents have a condo in Florida that they spend winters at. I’d say earlier this year when I flew down to visit I noticed he’d changed in just the 1-2 months or so since I’d last seen him in Ohio. At the condo I noticed and my parents told me he could no longer walk without his back end being held up while he walked with his front. Up until the very end he was still able to take steps if we supported his back end. I realize this was not the best quality of life and I am terrorized by thoughts of us not intervening sooner. His demeanor definitely changed this year- was it flat? Was it him being 15 and tired? Was it depression? He still ate all his meals, he knew when he had to go to the bathroom, he was always surrounded by family and love and still was spoiled and so completely doted on. I would lie and sleep on the floor next to him. He of course was still always happy to see us and always had his tail wagging when he did. He had dog beds and rugs everywhere to help support him and his paws/legs. He could sit up on his own. He got peanut butter daily. He had a wagon he’d go for rides and watch the sunset in. One weekend my family and I stayed right on the beach and my sister and I brought him all over the beach, boardwalk, and into bars with us and he loved it. He was so social and loved activity in that way. He loved to sit outside near the beach and people watch and just be a part of everything. He loved having my dogs around and they’d all lie and hang around together. My parents also have a cottage on Lake Erie, so there was also a wagon there that we’d use to take him on “walks” around that neighborhood.

At what point did we do too much? It’s so hard to say because it was all so gradual. He hasn’t walked normally in 10 years however we kind of just always adapted and adjusted. My mom and I are both nurses. We did absolutely everything possible under the sun to support and accommodate him and we were happy and felt privileged and lucky to do so. Did we do too much though? I think I told myself all year that he was old and deserved to just live out his golden years in peace and quiet. He slept a lot this last year and I like to think that again he was just old and tired. I try to tell myself he still lived a rich life full of love and people and care. Please keep any comments/responses kind. I am already struggling. I guess I am just looking for insight.

Thursday at 10:30am. That’s the last time I saw Oliver- carrying him out to the vet’s car in our driveway, going back 2 more times to keep kissing and smelling his head. This loss has turned my world upside down. Physically it feels like someone has carved my chest open with a serrated knife. I find myself literally clutching my chest and sobbing because the pain feels so unbearable. It takes my breath away and has me gasping for air in between sobs. Grief is coursing through my veins. I feel despair, agony, desperation, I feel lost in a world without the family dog I’ve known and loved and been loved by for 15 years. Each day I’m further away from the last time he was still here. I am irritable and angry. No one in my life seems to understand the depth and intensity of my pain. People check in, but also I think people expect? want? me to get it together and start putting one foot in front of the other. He JUST DIED. Even my mom and sister are staying busy and finding ways to live again, but I just feel paralyzing and debilitating grief and sadness. I am doing the basics, showering, brushing my teeth, eating and drinking even just small bits, I just went and got a blow-out so I didn’t have to wash my own hair. I sit outside to get fresh air. That’s about all I can and want to do right now though. I really just feel devastation ultimately. I am supposed to get married in 3 weeks. How?!???? My fiancé pisses me off with most things he says and does as I’m grieving (probably partially my fault), our two high-energy, highly affectionate pit/staffy mixes are pissing me off (I really hate that). I am beyond irritable and just angry. I just want left alone yet I can’t be alone. I shut myself in rooms just to get respite from my dogs and partner so that I can cry and grieve and yell alone in “peace”. I keep calling my mom just because he’s all I want to talk about and all I can think about. I love the gym and walking, but don’t feel ready for those yet, so I just pace around trying to move the energy and pain. In all of my spare time otherwise I’m diving into pet loss/grief Reddit pages, Facebook groups, YouTube videos, I have joined chat rooms, I’ve signed up for grief counseling in addition to my regular weekly therapist. I haven’t touched a substance aside from alcohol in 2 years yet the Xanax my mom gave me won’t even take the edge off at night. I just miss my dog so much and all I want is him back. And that’s impossible.

Thank you for the responses regarding my middle of the night spiraling word vomit in a previous post. I listened to my sweet baby cough all night and it literally broke my entire soul. The vet is convinced it was heart failure. That combined with his recent inability to walk led to no quality of life and no good reason for him to continue to endure suffering. I know we have done everything for this dog and I have to have some peace about how it all played out. He lived an insanely good, long, happy life with us. The vet who came to our family home was astounded to hear that he was 15-years-old, given the King Cavalier breed is notorious for health issues (namely cardiac). She said he is amazing and incredible and the fact that we had him for so long is kind of a miracle in and of itself. The in-home process was peaceful, so I absolutely recommend. I just don’t know how to survive this loss. He was the best, sweetest, quirkiest little guy. He provided so many laughs for us and blew us away with his resilience to keep fighting and surviving no matter what life threw his way. I feel a piece of my childhood is gone. I feel a piece of myself and my heart and soul are gone. I will not be the same person on the other side of this. I just miss him so much already. I dread the days ahead of me without him, as it feels impossible to go on. We love him too much to have allowed his suffering to continue though.

It’s about 3:30 AM where I am and I am lying on the floor of my parents’ house next to our 15-ish y/o cavachon we rescued back in December of 2012. We are putting him to rest at 9:30 in the morning. The appointment was made almost 72 hours prior and I have been at his side since. Throughout the night I’ve heard him go into multiple coughing fits and he just seems so tired, uncomfortable, distressed. My heart is shattering. The anticipatory grief has quite literally been killing me. Our other two family dogs had passed abruptly, whereas now with our precious Oliver, it has been more of a chronic, gradual, slow process and decline. In the past he had a spinal stroke followed by a disc injury, and for the most part he was able to still live a mostly independent life. His mobility slowly decreased over the years to follow, and this last year he has completely lost his ability to walk. The cough may be heart failure, a trachea issue, etc. we won’t know because it doesn’t change the fact that he still can’t walk at this point. We have waited on him hand and foot, carried him everywhere, helped him lift his back legs with a Help ‘em Up harness so that he could “walk”, we’d continue to do these things and more for him forever but as you can imagine it’s just no quality of life for a dog at this point.

I was in college when we got him. We lost our other family dog 3 years ago and the pain still feels so fresh. And when she passed, we still had Oliver. Now I feel impending doom without the both of them. I was in college when we got Oliver, was in and out of my parents’ house for years, and even now only live a mile away. I went to a commuter college, and lived at my parents’ all throughout nursing school. I still lived here when I got my first job. I then did travel nursing and would leave for a few months, then come back here for a few months. I haven’t been here all the time, but I have been here a lot. I know I’ve been so present with him over the years and cherished him. I just still wish I could go back in time and relive his younger, healthier days. I wish I made him my #1 priority all day every day, even though realistically I was young and traveling, becoming a person, etc. That’s what is so amazing about dogs. They are always there and see you through it all.

It’s perhaps not rational thinking, but again I just wish I could get all that time back. This is the most devastating, gut-wrenching, paralyzing grief and heartache I’ve ever experienced. I am supposed to get married in 3.5 weeks. I feel myself going insane as I physically, mentally, emotionally cannot handle this grief and distress and despair. I feel like I want to die with him. I feel like I’m dying. I have a ton of support but nothing can take this pain away.
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ETA: Thank you for reading. I am just feeling so desperate now about losing him and moving forward without him that my brain is fixating on the past. I just can’t bear the thought of losing him and not having him in my life anymore, and I think my brain just can’t process it. I am traumatized by this whole experience of losing him.