Need to know if i messed something up or not
This is a assumption I making and looking for guidance , stuff I am saying is from like 7-8 years ago I was kid so stuff might be immature just try to understand what I am saying
Few years back when I was like 12-13, I was a kid with hyper imagination and wondering mind and superheroes was all I could think of and from there (might sound corny) , hanuman ,krishna , mahadev i viewed them through the same perception, protectors and heroes that's how started to know them and with time I was attracted to them i would keep enacting them , the way they sat , pose , etc i kept telling my family I am hanuman or I am mahadev and I will save this world ( this is corny but I was kid bare with me for a while ) apart from this I had very average life , nothing extra ordinary, one day , a incident happened and it almost broke me(it's a bit personal ), that whole day I was in my head thinking about hanuman , krishna how they are so heroic and perfect and everything and how miserable I am , I wanted to be like them so much , that I was weeping i couldn't , hold myself , I was in tears , I left home went to the temple and I was begging to God to change my life these are not the exact words but this is almost what i said , give me powers like you , give me godly qualities like you , make me heroic like you , make me significant like you why do you always get to be the hero , why can't it be me , atleast during this lifetime make me like you , I was fighting and begging there in front of Krishna for like a hour it was so desperate I can't tell what was going in my head but I was saying everything I felt honestly, from that day i tried to do things like they did hoping he listened and my life would be changed
But It has since been that day that my life has been going down , i met the worst kind of community , got distracted, bad habits lost control of my health, impulsive, and things that would happen to me were like so comical that , people around started telling me dude you seem to have problem with God or something , I have social anxiety and I would always end up in a embarassing situation, humiliation was like everyday thing , I felt cursed like geniunely I was isolated, people left me cause I would like do something and stuff would go down , i am so scared and used to this I would get into accidents almost be unali*ed and I was so numb to this stuff that I would be unfazed , i literally do not trust myself now like I question everything that I do and i end up just doing nothing cause I was scared of messing everything up,
I started wondering is this because that day maybe the stuff I said I was not supposed to say?? maybe even as a kid it came as arrogance ?? Like who am I to say stuff like that to the God himself ?? Maybe I am overthinking this , but it could be a possibility if it is i am willing to like correct myself if if theres something I am supposed to do , I'll do it ,
And look i am not blaming god for everything, many are my own choices my own habits that led to my own problems but there are things I just can't ignore
If I am putting my head in the wrong direction, enlighten I am youngster , wouldn't mind guidance