Texting and expectations about response rate from friends
Hi dear reddit people! In reading this thread I think ya'll may have some experience that might help my situation.
I had a lengthy phone convo about 10 days ago with a long-time friend. I was sharing something vulnerable with him, after asking if he wanted to engage with my concern and him agreeing to do so. I chose him because in the past he has been very good about doing inquiry - asking good questions, challenging me without judgement, and generally being a very supportive friend.
I was talking with him about concerns I have about food and my relationship with eating and how I feel in my body related to that. I shared some history about my experience with overeating certain kinds of food, and how it felt so out of control sometimes. So, point is, I was being vulnerable and trusting him with this personal info.
He responded very well in our conversation, as I expected. Super supportive and non-judgmental. Asked how he could support, etc. Mostly I just wanted someone to "think out loud" with, to process my sticky thoughts and smooth them out, and that is what happened.
Three or four days later, we had this text conversation:
Me: “Is it ok with you if I share a sort of long-ish reflection on my food experiences lately? Since we talked about it.”
Him (within minutes): “Certainly.”
Me: “Ok thanks. I was doing some writing about it to help me sort out some things I am noticing. It seems to be "common knowledge" that drinking alcohol impairs our judgement. I always thought this meant your *physical abilities* are impaired, so you get blurry vision, can't walk straight, and so on.
What I didn't understand was that it impairs *mental* abilities, such as "I've only had one drink; I can drive safely." That would be an example of poor/impaired judgement, right? I don't know why it took me so long; this is probably a no-brainer for most people.
But understanding this was a lightbulb moment because I finally got that my thoughts - when under the influence - were just plain wrong and not to be trusted.
And just today, I see it's the same with sugar and highly processed foods. That not only has it impaired my *physical* abilities (leading to pre-diabetic levels of A1C, low physical energy, inflammation, and so much more), but it has also impaired my *thinking* abilities.
This has very likely been the cause of poor parenting choices, lack of discipline around the use of media and tech, lack of momentum with work and home projects, and overall emotional and mental malaise. Among many other aspects of life.
Ugh, that I didn't get this sooner. And yay, that I get it now.”
No response. Those texts were in the early evening, and I know that he is often up later, but no response.
Which felt uncomfortable - was he judging? Dismissing? Not really caring? Disagreeing?
Next morning, Him: “If you would like to talk, I am available after 11 am today.”
By that time, I felt so dismissed that I did NOT want to talk with him. So I responded, "Good morning. I don’t need to talk. Thanks."
No response…. Crickets.
Me again after hearing nothing: “I appreciate the offer to talk, and I can see why you might think that would be helpful, given what I shared in that long text.
If I could do it over, I would have been more explicit about my intentions behind sharing something like this, which was to keep you “in the loop” so to speak as my thoughts evolve. Since you graciously listened to my concerns when we talked recently by phone.
But I don’t know. I think it’s too much. Sorry for any confusion this causes.”
___
That’s where it stands now. No response to any of that.
It’s all really bothering me.
All my other friends would have given me *something.* Along the lines of: “that’s interesting - thanks for sharing!” Or: “I appreciate you trusting me with this - let me know if you’d like to talk.” Just something courteous and acknowledging.
I’d be very curious about your perspectives on this. What am I not seeing and why does this feel like an uncomfortable, unresolved tension? I definitely don't feel like sharing anything more with him that is remotely vulnerable.
One more thing: I have noticed that he rarely talks about things that are vulnerable for him. He is married and I know and like his wife, and yet he has wanted to me to be his "friend with benefits." I have repeatedly turned him down and thought we had sorted that out and that we were still having a nice respectful and fun relationship.
But I fear that now that I have shared something as personal and potentially shaming as food addiction, maybe thats a line too far??
Thanks in advance.