u/ErrorMessage89005

Why is my husband texting this girl all the time, and recently, talking to his female friend about Porn?

I’m looking for outside perspective because I genuinely can’t tell anymore if I’m overreacting or underreacting.

My husband (19m) has a female friend (20f) that he bonded with over anime, gaming, Pokémon, etc. interests that i do not have.

A few months ago, my husband became close friends with a girl that he worked with. they began texting multiple times every day, playing games after work together, and just got along really well.

I've read through all of their messages and I know for a fact that they only speak platonically, they honestly speak like two dudes. they talk about stupid memes and video games and animes they like. but despite the platonic nature of their relationship, I still felt like they were too close. I don't have close male "best friends" and I would prefer him not to either.

Over the last several months, we’ve had probably 3-4 serious conversations about my discomfort with their constant messaging. He always reassures me that the friendship is platonic and says the right things, says theyre not going to text anymore, but the contact continues.

There have also been a few incidents that damaged my trust:

\- a few months ago, they got drunk with friends and accidentally fell asleep on the floor together and woke up cuddling/wrapped around each other on the floor

\- he didn’t tell me about it until I found out through other people

\- they have gone out one-on-one to buy pokemon cards together during their lunch break at work. (without mentioning it to me)

\- there have been instances of him minimizing or lying about communication/texting with her. (I will ask directly if they'd been texting and he would lie and say no because he knew it made me sad)

Most recently, after another major boundary conversation, i explained that I couldn't keep on with all the lies and was considering marriage counciling. he stopped initiating contact as much, but now mostly just replies when she messages first, and now they're messaging more like once a week. i was really happy with this step in the right direction.

I should also preface this by saying that neither my husband nor I use pornography in any way. and we mutually agree that it would be a great breech of trust to do so.

I looked on his computer a few days ago and noticed that she had messaged him a screen shot of a manga gay porn thing? (excuse my ignorance) and he responded with

"LOL, yep I'm bricked" the interaction seemed joking but also weird. then, they had a conversation where she recommended a gay anime erotic novel to him, and also another one which looked like it was depicting a young anime girl? at first, he said, no, he wouldn't read them, but then said " you never know what's good out there" and asked for the names of the novels saying he would read them.

I also understand that anime/manga culture can sometimes be much more casual about sexual humor and explicit content than people outside that community are used to. Since I’m not really part of that culture, I’ve tried to consider that maybe some things that feel inappropriate to me may genuinely seem normal or unserious to them. Part of my confusion is not knowing whether I’m reacting to actual boundary issues or just my own unfamiliarity with that culture.

My birthday is this weekend and we’re taking a trip together. Part of me feels like I should bring all of this up again because it still bothers me, but another part of me wonders if it’s healthier to let us enjoy the trip and revisit the conversation afterward instead of creating another emotionally tense weekend.

Would it be inappropriate or avoidant to wait until after the trip to bring it up again? i'm so exhausted from the cycle of confrontation, tension, reassurance, and disappointment. Im so numb to the disappointment of them messaging once again that I'm not even upset.

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Call me crazy, but I dont like my husband to have female friends. However, my husband has a female friend that he shares a lot of interests with (anime, Pokémon, video games, etc.).

This has been difficult for me because he has told me that he feels like we have very little in common and that we don’t relate to eachother because we don’t share those particular interests.

About 2 months ago, I became uncomfortable with how frequently they communicated (daily texting, often initiated by him), and I expressed that I was no longer comfortable with ongoing private conversations between them. We’ve now had 4 serious conversations about this boundary.

*I should note that all their conversations are very surface level, usually about their favorite shows or video games. Never romantic, never emotionally deep*

There have also been a few incidents that added to my discomfort:

- He and his friends were drinking at our friends apartment, (in the same apartment building as ours), He decided to sleep on the floor of their house and she also fell asleep on the floor. When they woke up, their arms were wrapped around each other while sleeping; he said it was accidental and due to being intoxicated and he was really embarrassed.

- I only found out about that incident because his friends mentioned it casually, assuming I already knew... i did not.

- there have been times where he downplayed or was not fully honest about how often they were communicating, last time I directly asked if they had been talking he said no... they had.

- He let her and his other friend to stay overnight in our home while I was out of the country. (Now this one i might just be salty about. I'm still conflicted if this was wrong)

Most recently, we had our biggest sit-down conversation yet. I explained clearly that if private communication with her via texting continued, the next step for us would be marriage counseling. He agreed to that boundary.

Today, I looked and found that they were still communicating, just on a different app. From what I saw, it was mostly short conversations and sending Instagram reels, nothing romantic in content.

I’m trying to be fair and objective here. From an outside perspective: does this sound like an friendship with poor boundaries, or does it sound like something more concerning? At what point does repeated boundary crossing become a larger trust issue?