u/Eskimoe_xoxo

I (27F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for almost 9 months, and something about his girl best friend feels off to me. I know I could be overthinking this, but my gut keeps telling me something isn’t right.

The biggest thing is that despite multiple attempts, I’ve still never met her. Every time my boyfriend and I try to make plans with all 3 of us, she suddenly becomes “busy.”

Here are some things that bother me:
- Early on, she called me a “flight risk” because I was in a 7-year relationship before him and apparently she thought I wouldn’t stick around long with my current boyfriend.
- Recently she told him she was “surprised” I’m still around, even though she’s never met me and knows basically nothing about me.
- She ignores every photo/story my boyfriend posts with me in it, but likes and comments on the ones without me.
- Most recently, my boyfriend and I had plans together on a holiday we both had off. Jane asked him to lunch that day, and when I suggested all 3 of us go so I could finally meet her, she suddenly couldn’t make it.

I brought it up to my boyfriend and he says she’s just “protective” of him. But I don’t understand how she can dislike or distrust me when she refuses to even meet me.

Am I overreacting for feeling weird about all of this?

Hi everyone. I’m looking for advice because I love and care about my partner so so much and want to handle this thoughtfully and without making him feel analyzed or pressured.

My partner and I are both queer and about six months ago, he opened up to me in a very emotional conversation and said some things that made me think he is struggling with gender identity. He talked about feeling deeply connected to femininity (makeup, dresses, being called “cute” and "pretty" etc.) and said it felt like a core part of who he is. But he also expressed a lot of guilt and conflict about it, especially around existing in a cis male body and benefiting from masculinity socially. He told me he likes the idea of being a woman and using she/her pronouns, but there are still aspects of his masculinity that he wants to hold onto. And because of that he feels like a "fraud" or that he cannot truly be a trans woman.

He also told me that one of his rapists was a woman, it also happened to him at a young age, and because of that, his relationship with femininity feels “tainted” or confusing to him, even though he still feels drawn toward it in ways he doesn’t fully understand.

After that conversation, he never directly brought it up again. But over the last few months, I’ve noticed small things:

• he sometimes jokingly says he’ll be “my wife” one day, he also says he wants to wear a dress at our wedding.
• I occasionally catch him referring to himself as “she” or as a girl.
• and there’s this general sense that the feeling never really went away and he's been trying to see how I react.

I don’t want to corner him or make him feel analyzed, especially because he already seems to carry a lot of shame and confusion around this. I also don’t want to assume he’s definitely trans if he’s still figuring things out himself.

I mostly just want to know:

• how can I make him feel safe and supported?
• is it okay to gently acknowledge the things I’ve noticed?
• what kinds of reactions should I expect if I bring it up?
• and for people who’ve been in a similar situation, what helped you feel accepted without pressure?

I care about him deeply, and I want to approach this with as much kindness and care as possible rather than making him feel exposed or pressured into defining himself before he’s ready. Whatever his identity may be, I welcome it with open arms. I love him for who he is as a person, not just for how he presents himself to the world.

Every joke he’s made about being my “wife” or referring to himself as “she” has always been met with love and affirmation. Sometimes he lets me do his makeup or help him pick out clothes that make him feel more feminine, and those moments feel very genuine and comfortable for both of us. But in the back of my mind, I still remember the vulnerable conversation we had months ago, and I can’t help but wonder if these things are his way of testing the waters or slowly expressing a part of himself he’s scared to fully say out loud.

If my partner is trans, then I can’t wait to meet her. And if he’s still figuring himself out, I just want him to know he never has to do it alone.