u/EspecialDeLavecchia

I originally posted this in r/polyamory and someone told me it could be a subject closer to this subreddits.

So, a few days ago I wrote a post here about how I've been seeing a couple for a month and was thinking on how to disclose my relationship with another person, which was to be tackled in a dinner we had last night. The main issue in that post, my lack of honesty about my previous boyfriend, was actually not that big of a deal to them, but it revealed something. I had cooked a stew for the three of us and we drank some wine until que moved towards a more intimate contact, but I had't discussed my boyfriend with them yet, so I stopped things for a bit just to be able to open myself and be fully honest. They were okay with the whole thing and didn't really mind it, being that they are open too. Nonetheless, I can't remember it exactly, but I think one of them said it's not anything important given what we've got is "casual". That's the comment that is making me write this post.

I don't know if that's exactly what he said, I might be misremembering, but I'm 100% sure the word "casual" was thrown in that conversation. At the moment I didn't pay too much attention to it. I just flowed with the mood and we had a really nice night. We had sex, we cuddled, we were really tender to each other and I felt as happy as I could feel. The thing is that I now believe I'm starting to fall for them, and being thought of as "casual" is kinda hurtful. Now, I've been in casual stuff before, and this doesn't feel like it. I've spent hours cuddling, kissing and talking about deep and personal topics with both of them, at the same time and separately. We're seeing each other many times a week, most times just to chat or play around with some artistic projects and ideas they've been thinking about. They constantly look at me in a way I've never seen any of the people I've casually dated with look at me before. We cuddle constantly, they compliment me constantly. I don't know how to put it, but I kinda sense the feelings they are building towards me. This doesn't feel casual in any way or form. I even asked a friend of mine to give me a tarot reading (before anything else, I don't really believe on it, but I sometimes go to the cards even if I know they are not a reflection of reality) and she told me both of them were harboring feelings for me, even if they didn't know how to act on it.

There's been public demonstrations of care in front of people who know both of them. Again, it's happened with the three of us together and with both of them separately. I mean, one of them organizes a monthly art-related event and the pictures he chose to upload to the event's Instagram the last time it was held include photos of me while being evidently close to the other member of the couple. He has also had no issue displaying affection for me while around his friends, who know he's in a relationship. Both of them kiss me in public, even while in college. People are noticing we've been spending a lot of time around each other and commenting on that to us. Maybe I'm coping, but it doesn't really ring casual to me. I feel there's something more, this cannot be it. I'm going on a trip in a few hours and they are already planing to see me right as I come back, and not with the intention to have sex but just to drink some tea and talk about what I did during the week and a half I'll be gone. It kind of hurts. I really didn't think I'd fall for them in a month, but I just feel like everything's okay when I'm with them. I can't really explain it. I feel cared for.

I want to know what they want from this but 1) I don't know if a month of dating is too soon to ask that sort of thing, 2) I'm afraid of driving them away with that question and 3) they might not even know how to answer that yet. I really like them and I actually like to be falling in love with them... if it wasn't for the "casual" comment. I might just let things play out for a month before deciding on anything, just to see where everything goes. I don't know, my heart kinda aches for the first time in my life.

It's been a wild year for me. I went from believing I'd never fall in love and just enjoying jumping from hook up to hook up to, out of nowhere, finding out I had really intense feelings with someone. Since then, I got into an open relationship with such person in both sexual and vincular terms, for the first time in my life. It's been a few months and I didn't really operate in that mindset, I sort of treated the whole ordeal as if it was a monogamous relationship, even though I knew my partner had stablished relationships with two people before me. Because we have busy lives (work, studies, research project and just the academy in general), we could only meet about once every two weeks. At first I didn't mind, but my "monogamous" mindset ended up playing against me as I started to feel like there really wasn't much between us and even had some insecurities about it.

It all changed when I met this couple at college. I had never really seen them before and it was a chance encounter, but they seemed nice and we started to hang around. We later went out for some drinks (I recently discovered they thought of it as a date while I was still thinking about it as just people who got along spending time with each other), after which things started to get more personal. I noticed how they looked at me, I noticed how they treated me. I liked it. I began to really appreciate them over the course of a month in which, week by week, the bond between the three of us deepened. What was just hanging around turned into a weekend in which the three of us had interocourse. The next week we started to get closer in a physical way in a public context (i.e. playing with our hairs, hugging, holdind hands and things like that) and the week after that we reached a very deep level of trust on each other. Each time we hang out around college it felt like something way more intense that just chatting or walking together. The way we look at each other, the way we iniciate tender physical contact with each other, the topics we get into and the affection we seek from each of us... I don't want to rush into conclusions, but I'd be deluding myself if I thought there wasn't some interest from them into srtarting something, whichever shapes that something takes.

During that month, things with my partner kept going slow. Not that I mind it now, I know that we both have lives that make it difficult to organize things. Besides, since I met this couple, it sort of finally clicked that I am in an open relationship. My partner doesn't have to be the only source of tenderness, care and involvement. I think it would also be kind of unfair to him, given he's working on some important things. I realized I could also find those things somewhere else, as my partener is also doing. I realized I could find them with this couple, and they seem willing to provide them. I don't want to rush, but I also don't think it's usual to sustain this level of emotional and physical intimacy if there wasn't at least a little interest from them in going further into whatever we've got going on. I kind of think I should start taking action for that to happen, meaning I should be fully honest about a few topics with them.

I'm meeting with them tomorrow night in a sort of "farewell" hangout. I'm traveling to another city for a week and a half in order to do some work for my college thesis and we wanted to see each other before I left. They proposed the whole thing, they have also literally asked me what I'd want to get sexually from the encounter in a playfull manner, given we have an inside joke were we think of our sex lifes affecting the results of a soccer team. It's only been a bit over a month since I first talked to them both, but I want to use the oportunity to tell them about my partner, the dynamic we keep and that I'd still be interested in building my relationship with them both to whichever shape it takes. Nonetheless, I'm also kind of afraid to do it. Not because I think they'd react poorly to me having a partner. I actually think I commented on it at the beginning, when we were only hanging around, but I don't really know if they got it back then. The thing that scares me is that this sort of honestly implies that I want to keep seeing them in a more serious manner. Isn't a month too soon for that to happen? I feel like I'm rushing things and could scare them off. Specially, I'm not sure if telling them before leaving to another city is the right move. I thought it would give them time to think about things, but I fear it could also be read as me escaping from the possible consecuences of that. What if they want to discuss things and I'm not available? What if I have it all wrong and they only wanted to hang out and ocassionally get sexually intimate? I don't really know, any opinion on the matter will be appreciated.

EDIT: typos

It's been a wild year for me. I went from believing I'd never fall in love and just enjoying jumping from hook up to hook up to, out of nowhere, finding out I had really intense feelings with someone. Since then, I got into an open relationship with such person in both sexual and vincular terms, for the first time in my life. It's been a few months and I didn't really operate in that mindset, I sort of treated the whole ordeal as if it was a monogamous relationship, even though I knew my partner had stablished relationships with two people before me. Because we have bussy lives (work, studies, research project and just the academy in general), we could only meet about once every two weeks. At first I didn't mind, but my "monogamous" mindset ended up playing against me as I started to feel like there really wasn't much between us and even had some insecurities about it.

It all changed when I met this couple at college. I had never really seen them before and it was a chance encounter, but they seemed nice and we started to hang around. We later went out for some drinks (I recently discovered they thought of it as a date while I was still thinking about it as just people who got along spending time with each other), after which things started to get more personal. I noticed how they looked at me, I noticed how they treated me. I liked it. I began to really appreciate them over the course of a month in which, week by week, the bond between the three of us deepened. What was just hanging around turned into a weekend in which the three of us had interocourse. The next week we started to get closer in a physical way in a public context (i.e. playing with our hairs, hugging, holdind hands and things like that) and the week after that we reached a very deep level of trust on each other. Each time we hang out around college it felt like something way more intense that just chatting or walking together. The way we look at each other, the way we iniciate tender physical contact with each other, the topics we get into and the affecting we seek from each of us... I don't want to rush into conclusions, but I'd be deluding myself if I thought there wasn't some interest from them into srtarting something, whichever shapes that something takes.

During that month, things with my partner kept going slow. Not that I mind it now, I know that we both have lives that make it difficult to organize things. Besides, since I met this couple, it sort of finally clicked that I am in an open relationship. My partner doesn't have to be the only source of tenderness, care and involvement. I think it would also be kind of unfair to him, given he's working on some important things. I realized I could also find those things somewhere else, as my partener is also doing. I realized I could find them with this couple, and they seem willing to provide them. I don't want to rush, but I also don't think it's usual to sustain this level of emotional and physical intimacy if there wasn't at least a little interest from them in going further into whatever we've got going on. I kind of think I should start taking action for that to happen, meaning I should be fully honest about a few topics with them.

I'm meeting with them tomorrow night in a sort of "farewell" hangout. I'm traveling to another city for a week and a half in order to do some work for my college thesis and we wanted to see each other before I left. They proposed the whole thing, they have also literally asked me what I'd want to get sexually from the encounter in a playfull manner, given we have an inside joke were we think of our sex lifes affecting the results of a soccer team. It's only been a bit over a month since I first talked to them both, but I want to use the oportunity to tell them about my partner, the dynamic we keep and that I'd still be interested in building my relationship with them both to whichever shape it takes. Nonetheless, I'm also kind of afraid to do it. Not becasue I think they'd react poorly to me having a partner. I actually think I commented on it at the beginning, when we were only hanging around, but I don't really know if they got it back then. The thing that scares me is that this sort of honestly implies that I want to keep seeing them in a more serious manner. Isn't a month too soon for that to happen? I feel like I'm rushing things and could scare them off. Specially, I'm not sure if telling them before leaving to another city is the right move. I thought it would give them time to think about things, but I fear it could also be read as me escaping from the possible consecuences of that. What if they want to discuss things and I'm not available? What if I have it all wrong and they only wanted to hang out and ocassionally fuck? I don't really know, any opinion on the matter will be appreciated.