New boyfriend tries to minimize ex-boyfriends abuse
I am so angry so i apologize for any mistakes.
Tw: Sexual assault, Domestic violence, Cheating
A couple of years ago i was in my first and long-term relationship. It was everything i ever wanted. Until we moved in together. He isolated me from everything. Family, friends, acquaintances and i was not allowed to go to school or any job that required me to work with another male. After the isolation he started to financially abuse me. All the money i saved up went to video games, His porn addiction and junk food. And if i would even dare to speak up it would be met with violence or him cheating on me because i was making him “unhappy”.
This went on for years, and after years of putting up with the constant abuse i was finally able to get out. After that i went to live back home, and i started a long legal and mental journey.
This year i felt like i was ready to slowly start dating again, but i was not actively going to search for it (No dating apps etc.), and that is when i met my new boyfriend.
Before our relationship i told him a little about what happened in my past relationship and how that affected me and how i sometimes need more time to feel comfortable with things. He was very understanding and said he would help me feel comfortable in every way.
And since that conversation he did try his best to make me feel comfortable, however a couple of weeks ago this started to change. I knew he was an ex PA, he told me he went to therapy for it. But as time went on he started pushing me to do things i did not want to do. Now i learned my boundaries in therapy and i made them very clear to him. And every time he “understood” them a little. Until last week
We were talking about pornography and how there was a website that was in the news that week about women being posted whom were asleep or being sexually assaulted. After that he said something along the lines of “I’m very glad i quit porn to be in a relationship with you.” So i told him to clarify himself. And he said he had been clean for the weeks we were together, but that he did watch porn daily before that.
We got into an argument, and i told him it was a boundary for me. And that he lied to me. But instead of being understanding he tried to minimize the abuse I went through in my last relationship saying things like
“Because of what you went through, i need somewhere else to release my kinks. Because you are too soft for them”
And
“Ahwww am i giving you traumas just like your ex? By looking at you i am giving you traumas aren’t i?”
He sounded so diminishing. I thought he would understand considering his daughter had a rough time after the divorce, and went to therapy for it, and is now also taking small steps into trusting new partners of her father again. I thought he understood that you cannot just go from 0 to 100 in a few weeks.
I was furious and i told him to get out. He told me he feels like the bad guy because of my boundaries within our relationship (He had some dom-sub kinks that i absolutely did not want to try out.), and that it is not his fault that my ex treated me like that.
And other things that just made me feel like he did not see anything my ex did as wrong.
Since then i have told him i want to break up, and that we are broken up.
I am just so unbelievably furious, after so long i finally felt strong enough to date and now this. I feel like i just got thrown twenty steps down the latter.