u/EvaSKZ

ok so, this is embarrassing but i promissed an acquaintance that i wouldnt post on here anymore but i just need to ask this bc i searched and searched and found nothing, and i dont even trust ai anymore.

am i the only one who gets urges to kiss people of the same sex when they are too close to me? these are especially strong with my best friend and im scared that i means i like her, which im aware i dont, because if i did i would be obsessed and would get a lot of other feelings that i get when i have a crush.

but for me these urges feel like my lips are being pulled towards her, like my body is starting to move towards her, and my mind gets an image of me kissing her and i just frown and cover my mouth to prevent it from happening!

i would like to know what to do when this happens and if this is something that other people experience in this subreddit.

and sorry for posting here again after promising myself i wouldn't.

is it normal for it to not feel as intense compared to when it started? i used to get a chest ache from the anxiety and now i barely feel it.

its not a mega obsession like before, but its still part of my daily life.

also, if i dont do avoidant behaviours and only reassurance seeking can it still be ocd? im pretty confused on that and ig thats reassurance but yeah

im tired :(

any tips for someone who has had this for 2 years and doesnt have hope?

i feel guilty for posting here so often, but its my way to cope, so i apologize.

im just so desperate right now.

Looking back into the beginning of this, it seemed more like hocd than how it is now.

i stopped wearing jorts bc it made me (15f, at the time13f) feel masculine, i hated going to beaches and pools, malls, and it certainly became worse during the summer time, i spent hours online researching about homosexuality (eventually found out abt hocd).

If we go back to when i was a smaller child i used to wash my hands until they bled bc they didnt feel clean enough, i used to pray before going to sleep to make sure no one that i cared about got hurt or died in their sleep, i couldnt hang up the phone with “bye”, i had to say “see you later” because that would make me believe the person on the call would die or disappear.

but now it feels too real, and my therapist thinks its depression.

I feel instant arousal with nudity from the same sex, my throat tightens when i see a guy thats my type (or at least i wish it is).

also my bf recently broke up with me so i feel more lonely and miserable.

im also confused on my situation being ocd or not (i dont want reassurance im just venting) because i dont have images and sentences popping up in my mind, its just the sensations and the Google/AI/Youtube/reddit usage, the only time i get intrusive thoughts is with my best friend bc i get urges to kiss her, images of us kissing in my head and stuff and its so disgusting.

i just feel stupid and shitty.

i should be leaving the house and enjoying summer but since my therapist told me i only have depression and not ocd ive just been crying and sad again.

maybe thats the truth of my denial coming out.

i need help, but i cant seem to find any.

ive been bothering people too much on reddit.

hi, i take 75mg of sertraline, im 15 and i dont feel the urge to do compulsion, i started in april-may i think.

once i stopped taking it for a week and i felt really bad, but now im ok

i got a headache for 3 days and i think i emotionally went down again, but rn im wondering if everything i went through was ocd or if all those 2 years were lies, like, why am i not suffering? why am i not crying everyday, anxious everyday like i used to be? where is my attraction to men? was i always forcing attraction to men? im not sure and idk who i am.

also, ai says that for ocd i need higher doses for it to work so maybe im just depressed and i dont have ocd, since that low dose works on me :(((

is this a backdoor spike? i dont even do erp and my therapist doesnt think its ocd (also im not from the US nor the UK so idk where to get a therapist that believes in hocd

guys idk what this is, i am starting to doubt if i ever truly was attracted to men and if i ever liked them bc i think i might have always forced attraction to them, but i had crushes at school and got super nervous when my crush first spoke to me, and also got super nervous when my ex first did a call with me, like my heart was beating super fast.

i broke up with my bf a month ago and its a weird situation, throughout the relationship i frequently asked myself if i loved him or not and i dont wanna get into details on why we broke up but i think i miss him now, not sure tho, im very confused.

Also, right now im in this weird state (not the first time) where i stop feeling anxious, i stop using ai with the same frequency, but i dont really do erp or anything like that (my therapist doesnt think its ocd and says homosexuality has no connection to ocd) so im trying to figure out if it ever had hocd.

i know i definetly have ocd bc of past episodes that were textbook ocd in childhood but now idk. The attraction to women feels too real: butterflies, groinals (feeling wet and tingling), thinking they are pretty, impulse to kiss my bsf and no natural attraction to men, i have to force it and my throat hurts afterwards, it feels tight.

ive had this since 2024 and im not even 18 yet. im confused and tired. also i dont get many intrusive thoughts :((((

what should i do?

Hi guys! I need help/motivation to stop using AI. Currently I use Gemini (although I have used ChatGPT before, i js don't use it anymore.) It started with asking ai the list of symptoms of ocd (hocd in my case) but lately i have been searching situations abt ppl with hocd and how they show up. Like groinals, butterflies, etc. to see if it applies to me and if it sounds similar to what i went through. But then i start asking abt what im doing right now, like: how do ppl with hocd ask ai for reassurance, what questions do they make, what do they feel, what triggers them to use ai. and i genuinely cannot stop using it and ik its bad for my mental health and also i am an artistic person so ai isnt something im very glad for, but like, yeah. i have lost sense if what i have is ocd or not, and idk what to do to move on. im only 15 but i have been told by many that i am very very veeeery emotional mature for my age, which idk if its bad or not lol. but yeah.
Like today I would open a chat and type "what triggers a groinal" and then i would open a new chat to ask the same question and see if both matched. THIS IS SO EXHAUSTING.
I need a break.
But i can't stop. Even on days i dont feel like searching anything, i do it bc of the fact I'm not getting the urge to search. And then im like "is it normal to not use ai for 1 day after using it everyday for 2 days?" its js ridiculous.

I am on therapy but i cant follow what my therapist tells me to do. I'm also on sertraline.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like a lie. It doesn't feel real living like this. I hate sounding like i am diagnosed when im not, but i think i might've been suffering with so-ocd since 2024, rocd since april and mixed with those two: meta-ocd. I am not diagnosed btw, but i am taking sertraline/zoloft idek the name lol and my therapist is working with me so I can stop using AI for reassurance, which i have been doing since 2024. And i just can't stop.

I swear i try to, but it's so hard. I'm so used to it that i do it without thinking, and also i've been suffering a lot throughout my relationship because i am very scared i am faking my feelings for my boyfriend. And today we decided we're taking some time off of eachother, although i dont think he communicated well with me and that hurt me a lot (I cried for half an hour and couldnt eat dinner with my family), but we decided that because he felt i got too controlling after a girl told me he cheated on me (which i still dont know if its true or not) and i got paranoid bc i took his side and constantly checked if he was lying to me and i also checked his location.

Anyways, i cried, but as i started to feel calmer i felt guilty for being calmer! like????? i asked my mom "is it normal to be able to watch a tv show and laugh after what happened?" and she said yes, i asked my friend the same thing and she agreed. I kept asking them the same thing and eventually asked ai because right now i feel indiferent, and i told my mom I was worried that the calm meant i never liked him from the start, and she said "maybe its your subconciousness showing you that u only saw him as a friend" and i felt sad again. I went to ai again, and i honestly dont know what to do right now. I feel like life isn't worth living. I am scared i faked being in love with him and that i'm actually gay. I am only 15 and i'm so so tired. I feel like no one understands me. I just wanna talk to my therapist asap, but while i can't, im resorting to this.

Please give me any kind words or advice, i need help. I envy my friend's life because their teenage years aren't full of dread. what do u guys think???