u/Even_Web_8052

So tomorrow is orientation where all the freshman come to school like it's a normal day and I'm so scared right now. The thing is some of the kids I haven't seen since fourth grade are going to be there and I was a little of a troublemaker at my school and got suspended twice, and after I left that school, some kids have thought that I got kicked out even though I didn't. I've changed now, but I'm worried that everyone is going to start spreading rumors about me and making fun of me and stuff like that. I'm already an insecure kid and I have been cyberbullied online during homeschooling for 4 years, and I can't deal with that level of stress. I told my mom that I want ro socialize with other people or atleast make one decent friend, and my mom keeps telling me that I shouldn't want to socialize with anyone because I can't trust anyone, but she's also the same one who told me to compliment other kids next to my locker and make a good friend (wtf?). I'm not on the same level as everyone else and I haven't been able to do anything these past couple of years because learning for me is hard, and I'm skinny, so these other kids are probably going to be much more advanced and stronger than me. I've honestly thought of homeschooling again but that would be even more hard. I'm just looking for some advice for tomorrow. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

EDIT: I'm really scared right now. I probably won't even make a decent friend in high school

I didn't expect anyone to gift me Poppy Playtime - Chapter 4 this morning, but I received a Steam friend request from another user, and they gifted it to me. Thank you so much user for this game! It really means a lot to me! God bless! ❤️🥰

I have nowhere else to post this. To start off, I am 14 and black. I'm supposed to have a meet and greet on Tuesday where I'm going to spend like a normal first school day in high school and meet with other students and familiarize myself with routine schedules and stuff like that. I'm really nervous though because I'm supposed to be meeting with kids I haven't seen since fourth grade. And being homeschooled for three years hasn't been easy. I've isolated myself and haven't been able to socialize with anyone. I've also been cyberbullied by other strangers and they have said some really mean things to me online I can't even say it in front if you. I haven't been able to eat lately and my mental and physical health has declined heavily and I've gotten skinnier and weaker lately. I've also been stressing out about high school. Having dreams if kids from my fourth grade who were faster and better than me and some would just tease me. Especially since I'm going to an extremely racist school and I've already been physically hurt before by other kids in the past. Wondering if those same kids are going to have problems with me and if I'm going to be heavily bullied and not be able to defend myself or anything. If I see other kids hanging out and no one talking to me, I'll get extremely insecure and sensitive. I've had this pressure at home where my mom keeps yelling at me and making it seem like some of the kids are better than me. Like she talks about how the other kids have physically developed and I'm just still skinny and weak. What if the kids don't like me? What if they gossip behind my back. I don't even want to go there but I have no choice as homeschooling is really stressful. I haven't been able to make friends these past few years and have been cyber bullied and harassed and I haven't told anyone in my family. Would sometimes cry and try to seek attention on game chats to seem cool or fit in. And if I go to high school again and I get heavily bullied face to face too, my life will become even worse. I wish I never existed I feel like a mistake. It's not my fault other kids are fully developed and I'm just the weak skinny kid.

I just wanted to ask for some advice on high school next year. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

EDIT: My doctor even said I haven't fully developed lately.

EDIT #2: Any sort of exercise I do like if I jump outside, I get this pain in my heart where my heart starts beating really fast and I get light headed.

Weird dream. I had a dream where I was about to graduate from high school. As we were about to graduate, my classmates had cut in front of me and brushed it off as a joke. When I was about to go on the stage as the last graduate, I had suddenly forgotten something and I had to go back and grab it. One of my peers who had just received their diplomas and was sitting in their seats decided they were going to help me, but not out of kindness, but to show that they were better than me. When we both went, I ended up running in a hurry and I jumped off the building and hurt my gr*in area on one of the playground equipment. When I fell on the ground, no one seemed to care and some were even making sarcastic jokes about it. When me and my classmate made it to the playground, we had to rush across the playground so I could grab what I was looking for. But my other classmate was much more faster than me. No matter what I did, I couldn't catch up to him. We were supposed to jump down this slide and into a pool to make it to the ceremony faster, and my classmate made it to the ceremony before I did while I was still on the playground. When I made it back to the ceremony and was about to go on stage, I whispered into the announcer's ear how to pronounce my name (since people have a hard time pronouncing my name in real life) while she was speaking, but she told me to be quiet. When she was finally done speaking and I whispered into her ear on how to pronounce my name, she interrupted me and remembered that she had forgotten some papers on me she was supposed to read out loud. When I was called in stage, I was the last (black) kid there. I somehow even forgot to receive my diploma from one of my teachers and turned around like an idiot and finally remembered to go grab it from him. What was even more humiliating is that when I went over to my family when the ceremony was over, my mom was just talking on her phone, while my dad and sisters were watching but weren't really excited for me. What could this mean? I have been stressing since I'm going to high school next year. Wondering: "could my classmates I haven't seen since fourth grade" "will I be hurt again" "will I be the troublemaker and the only stupid weak kid in class"? All those have put a toll on me and getting yelled at by mom to go to high school with a good attitude and not allowed to laugh a lot to seem like the silly child I got called in kindergarten.

EDIT: Sorry for the long rant and stupid question.