u/Evening_Day_5939

This is a strange one..

I’d consider my BPD mom an eccentric hippie type. She’s always been into the New Age movement, spent time in Hari Krishna, Jesus cults etc. She also goes through periods of psychosis and believes she has a direct line of communication with Jesus, John Lennon, her dead ex boyfriend, and aliens. Anyway, I was visiting her months ago and accidentally left a piece of jewelry at her house. Recently I visited again and asked her where it was.. “Oh it’s upstairs in one of my desk drawers” so I go upstairs and the first desk drawer I open is full of used witchcraft supplies and photos of me and writings about me. Clearly she had been doing rituals FOR me, obviously without my permission or knowledge. I would NEVER consent to this. It appears as though she was doing some kind of ritual wishing for me to come back to myself. She has been struggling with our relationship ever since I started drawing boundaries, communicating less, and standing up for myself. She complains that I’ve lost myself, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, I’m a monster, she is a victim of my behavior and she never did anything to deserve to be “shut out”. The feeling of violation I am experiencing is akin to feeling spied on or physically assaulted. She has violated me in so many ways and now I know she is violating me spiritually! It’s SO weird and gross and it makes me feel like I need to take a shower. Has anything like this happened to anyone else??
*I know a lot of you folks will tell me to go NC, but that is not an option at this time. My dad is dying and it’s important to me that I keep a low contact line available until he passes. No contact will be an option in the future, but not now- so please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I’m doing what I believe is ethical for my relationship with my dad and am willing to put up with my mom’s BS until he becomes a ghost she inevitably talks to.

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u/Evening_Day_5939 — 9 days ago

My mom had this mug custom printed for me, saying it made her laugh out loud.. obviously she thinks it will make me laugh too but it actually made me cry. It’s true, there is nothing I can do about having her as my mother. Healing from her “mothering” has been gut wrenching at times and she has NO idea the brokenness I have felt because of her. The YEARS of therapy, struggling with OCD, lack of personal identity, floundering through young adulthood, abusive relationships I’ve gravitated towards because they felt comforting.. I feel as though she shaped me into a monster, subsequently blamed and shamed me for it.. and when I started to emotionally mature, I had to start re-mothering myself in order to be a normal, functioning human. I am hyper aware of my behaviors and actions and I desperately want to be a nurturing, balanced, and kind mother to my daughter. It breaks my heart that this acknowledgment of our relationship kind of turns all of the pain and hardship I faced and the work I’ve put into healing, into a joke.

u/Evening_Day_5939 — 17 days ago