u/Evening_Tangerine222

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I’m with my mom and sister visiting back home. I left last Sunday. I had to call my husband by the third day and ask him why he hasn’t called me to ask about me. He said he doesn’t know my schedule. I told him I understand, it’s still nice to get a phone call from him even if I’m busy or can’t answer. For me it’s like proof that he thought of me and called to hear my voice and ask about my wellbeing. He’s called maybe twice in the past 9days. Sometimes I text him he doesn’t respond. He works a job where he’s able to be on the phone 75% of the time. My sister’s hubby calls her almost every day and they text through out the day and he cannot be on his phone at work. Am I being unreasonable?

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Salam everyone

This is from my husband that’s been gaming daily for anywhere from 6-10+ hours for the past 3months. He says he’s taking time off of work for his health.
When he was working, it was about 2-5hours of gaming almost daily.

This isn’t going to be word for word exactly. I tried my best to include everything correctly. And yes this was all one conversation. I tried to left him speak freely. And I realized how differently perceive things. No I don’t think I ask him for so much help. I think he’s not used to helping around the house when he was younger.
We’ve been married for about a year. No kids. He’s almost 40.

Before you start, I didn’t know he had these types of view on life/marriage before. Before marriage any time I asked a question the answers seemed normal.

Ok here goes bismillah

——————

I don’t see why you are so upset with me doing my own thing. Why does what I do affect you

(I feel neglected. Sunday you gamed for over 10hrs)

The bills are paid, you’re fed. We spend so much time together. I don’t know what more you want.
The stress you put me under is much worse than me not moving/exercising.
After my heart attack {{almost 1.5yrs ago}} I’m just more lazy. I don’t want to do anything that requires more work.

(Wouldn’t it be the opposite, you had a heart attack so you make better choices about your health)

Things always have to be your way.
I’m not 20 anymore. I’m set in my ways.
We are a year in and it’s been really hard. I know everyone talks about how bad their marriages are and maybe that’s just how it is. I don’t want to play minds games like they do
I don’t know maybe I envisions marriage differently. I figured you do your thing and I do mine. Just like if I wasnt there before marriage.

(I wasn’t trying to build a life with my family like I am with you. I wasn’t in a romantic relationship with my family. So yea I’m not going to expect the same things I expect out of you from them. If I needed emotional support, my family would support me 100%)

I see it in your eyes when you’re disappointed and it hurts me too. You could have done worse, way worse, or slightly better.
I’m happy with my life. Yea I could have done a bunch of things with this time off I took but I didn’t and I’m ok with that.

If you want to do something, go for it, I fully support you just don’t involve me.
(That doesn’t sound like a married man mentality)

I don’t want to do any extra work other than what I signed up for.
You ask for a lot of help. Way too much help. I already feel like I’m doing way too much.
It’s so frustrating when you ask for help. A lot of times you say you need help but I don’t think you really need it you just want it and I can’t say that. I’m always frustrated when you want me to do all these things.
I can’t even imagine having kids. If it’s going to be more work, I don’t think I can handle it. And you’re going to want me to help you with them. I don’t want to be a proactive dad. My dad was working all day he’d come home and we all eat together and then everyone would do their own thing. He was on the screen too. And we were fine.

(Just because that normal to us it doesn’t mean it’s ok)

Best way to resolve conflict is to shut down

(You don’t think there is a better way)
No because a lot of times it creates space for more problems and more arguments. (But what if it doesn’t) well a lot of times it does so just to nip it before it starts and not cause issues (that’s a really negative outlook on life)

I don’t know how to cope. I’ve tried some coping mechanisms but I forget them and they don’t work.

(You have to continuously practice them for them to work)

no it’s so hard. It takes so much time and energy. It’s takes the mind numbness out of things.

(It takes a lot of energy because it’s hard rebuilding a foundation underneath you when you’re already standing on it. Growth takes a lot of energy)

no that’s not for me

(every step in life you have to makes changes and grow, for example do you still go to the bathroom on yourself)

no

(because you’re no longer at that stage. You grew up made changes and adjusted)

(You don’t think you will grow any more?)

it depends. Grow as in go to the gym more often yea I could do that. Grow financially or Start a business. Yea. But I had all this time and I didn’t do anything with it. I could have done all that work and I could have been well off but you know procrastination. That’s the thing with these problems, is you can throw money at it and they’ll be solved. If you wanted help gardening I’ll just hire a landscaper. Or help cleaning, hire a house keeper. The kids can be in a bunch of activities that they will be so busy and tired.

(You don’t want to spend time with your kids?)

You don’t want to talk to them. If they have a problem, they’ll feel safe to talk to you about it) they’ll talk to me

(but if you haven’t created that type of environment for them then they won’t).

(So what are we doing)

I don’t know

I regret opening my mouth and talking. I should have just left it.

Whenever I ask my husband to spend quality time together he says “we slept together (not sexually, like physically in the same bed) for 8hrs. We spent all that time together.” Is this a normal response? I don’t feel like it is. Another thing he says “come sit with me while I game and we’ll spend quality time together.” Ive tried that with him. He’s so focused on the game that he couldn’t form a complete sentence. He will game anywhere from 6-10hrs a day. I talked to him about how he might be depressed and not know it (he said no he’s not).
We’ve been married for 1year. We don’t have any kids. I don’t think this is sustainable.

How often do you call or text your spouse through out the day? When at work? Or getting errands done?

I’m angry at my mother in law for not teaching her son basic life skills. I’ve spent the past year teaching my husband how to clean up after himself, start the washer &dryer, load& empty the dishwasher, wipe the dining table, working with me to put stuff away, skincare, beautifying yourself for wife, finding a clothes/outfit so he looks put together, etc. I’m expected to remind him to do the things he needs to do. If I don’t then it doesn’t get done and if I confront him about it he says something like “why didn’t you remind me to do it”. I ask him to do something and he puts it off to a later time/day. I told him to find a way to remind yourself so we won’t keep having this issue. I try to constantly remind myself he grew up in a different environment and needs time to grow into being the man I need. He has improved a lot in the last 6months but I’m so exhausted. I feel like a secretary, constantly managing him and the mental load. Does it get any better? Because I don’t know how much more I can take.

Is it strange that we’ve been married (living together) for a year but still not legally married? I talked to him about it a few months in and he said he has a lot of debt and doesn’t want it affecting me. He also wanted a prenup before marriage. He makes it seem like I’m going to run away with half his money 😢.
His sisters will ask why isn’t he on my insurance plan and I told them we are still not legally married.

Do you still celebrate it the same way?

It doesn’t necessarily have to be wrong. Just different than you are used to.

My mom & grandma taught me, If someone came over with a gift, you would not look in the bag or open the gift in front of them. You thank them for the gift and host them etc. their explanation was them visiting you is more important than the gift. That you didn’t invite them for a gift. Materialistic etc etc.

With my in laws, they open gifts right away and show everyone sitting what they got and then thank the person for the gift. If you don’t open it then they consider it rude or that you didn’t like the gift.

We are from the same country just different villages.
I’m curious if people have noticed these little differences.

Actual genuine quality time together. Not sitting in the same room and both on phones. And what do you do during this time? Games? Stroll around the neighborhood?

The reason I ask is because I’ve been married for a year and I can’t remember a time we spent actual quality time together. And it’s seems very strange to me. Whenever I bring it up, I’m always met with resistance. Or he would say some like “we slept next to each other all night, that’s quality time”. He puts his head on the pillow and sleeps within minutes or comes to bed super later.