u/ExactPanda

Today would've been our 15th wedding anniversary. Two days ago was our 20th anniversary together. We got together very young and got married really young. I definitely thought we'd see our 20th, 30th, 40th, maybe even 50th anniversaries together. Its a very bittersweet day.

Honestly, I'm not sad when I look at the pictures from that day, at least not the ones of my husband and me. Our wedding was a blast! I had a lovely time being married. "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I know that's cliche but I find it true at the moment.

What makes me sad is how different my life looks now than it did then. My husband is dead. My parents divorced and then my dad later died. His grandparents have all died since then. One of my bridesmaids, someone I considered my best friend, ghosted me not long after the wedding for no reason. It feels like my world shrinks every year.

Hello! Mom in her late 30s here. 👋 Wow, this sexuality business is confusing!

I was with my husband since high school when I was 17 and he was 18. We did the long distance college thing for 4 years. We got married right after college. I was absolutely certain he was The One. We started having kids in our mid-20s. We have 3 of them. Husband felt comfortable, supportive, he made me laugh, we had so much fun together. He was my person. When I got fired from my job while pregnant with my 2nd child, he was super supportive of me being a stay at home mom. He always made my crazy ideas come true.

Our sex life was never great, but I just thought maybe I have a low libido, we're busy with kids, etc. I hated giving oral sex and stopped pretty early on. Sex was nice when we did it, but I never craved it. It never made sense to me when women claimed they enjoyed sex with men! I always thought they were lying a little bit. I felt weird and maybe a little broken in the sex department. For a while, I thought maybe I'm asexual. After our 3rd child, it turned into a dead bedroom. I felt strange and broken like I'm keeping in a big secret about our life together because married people are supposed to be having sex and we're not. We hadn't had sex in 4 years. He never pestered me about it or anything. He never made me feel bad about the lack of sex, but I felt bad about it anyway because society says that's what you're supposed to do. But also, when you're together for a while, the frequency drops off anyway, right?

I sort of started coming to the realization that maybe I'm bisexual in my mid-20s. I realized I found women beautiful and hot. I longed to kiss a woman. I longed to do more. But I'm married, we're monogamous, there just wasn't anything that could be done about that. I didn't want it bad enough to blow up my entire safe, comfortable life. Being alone and only seeing my kids half the time sounded much scarier than taking a risk that might not even work out anyway. I've never a kissed a woman, let alone explore anything further, so what if I was wrong?? Everyone found women beautiful, right?

Picture it: February 2026 (just a few months ago). Husband went on a work trip and ended up DYING while out of state. Heart issues we had no idea about. My world is turned upside down. Now I'm a widow with 3 young kids.

I'm angry that I no longer have a husband and my kids are growing up without a father. I'm devastated that my person, the one who understood me and all my quirks and our shared history, is gone. I don't know how to do this alone. It's something I have to figure out.

But I also feel guilty. I feel guilty that I loved him but maybe towards the end I wasn't really in love with him. I feel guilty that sometimes I'm not as sad as I "should" be. I feel guilty that we had a dead bedroom. I feel guilty that I wasn't a good wife and that maybe I lied to myself and him. I'm upset that I never had a chance to explore that of myself when I was younger and it was easier to do so. I attached myself to him when I was 17. He made me feel safe when my home life was pretty awful. I think maybe I mistook safety and fun together for love. It's not exactly a lie. I loved him. Just maybe not in the way heterosexual couples are "supposed to."

Looking back now, maybe there were signs that I just completely ignored because the early 00s were a scary time to be different and I couldn't be that way. I was straight! I had crushes on guys! But I considered myself a supportive ally! In high school, I gave a persuasive speech on why gay marriage should be legal, well before it was really a popular idea, especially in my little midwestern city. I always loved rainbows but didn't want to have them anywhere because I didn't want to be viewed as gay once I learned rainbows were also for the LGBT community. I remember as a kid, a friend's dad had a pinup picture of a naked sandy woman on a beach in their garage and it made me feel tingly and I didn't really understand why. I remember watching Titanic and feeling uncomfortable but warm during the drawing scene. I REALLY liked Sarah and her pretty blonde hair and lowcut dress when I'd watch Hocus Pocus. I picked Lance as my NSYNC crush because you HAD TO pick one and he seemed safest. I always felt super uncomfortable when changing around other girls like in a locker room for gym. I've always felt drawn to older women (teachers, older coworkers) in a way that I could never explain. I wanted to be around them whenever possible.

I suppose now I'm a single woman, although it still feels like I'm still married. I don't know if I believe that everything happens for a reason, but what if this is the universe's way of telling me to be who I'm supposed to be? It's scary, but there's also an underlying sense of freedom. Which is also scary. I could explore these desires if I ever had the opportunity. I could make the opportunity happen. I'm not focused on dating right now. My kids are too little to take my energy and focus away from them, and I need to sort out widowhood and our future. But I'm also sad that I can't explore my feelings right now. I don't want to continue living life without kissing a woman and knowing her touch. I don't want to continue sacrificing myself and just being Mom. It's really lonely so far, especially after being partnered my whole adult life. I don't want to keep being alone. But I can't, won't jump into anything until I work on myself. I would like to maybe try casual dating - spending time with another woman in a fun, flirty, kissing kind of way. Take things slow. Idk. Do other women want that? I haven't dated anyone since George W Bush was president. I definitely don't know how dating works today, let alone dating a woman. I'm an introverted homebody who has no idea how to put herself out there or meet someone organically. Maybe I'm just bi? Idk how to sort out those feelings.

Idk, now I'm rambling. If you've read this far, thank you.

Hello! I'm recently widowed. My husband died back in February. We have small kids. I'm so overwhelmed by the house! We have way too much stuff. I try to get the kids to help, but I think they're also overwhelmed by how much we have to manage. One of my kids is a feral tornado, which doesn't leave me much time or space to do anything because he's right behind me undoing what I just did. I feel like I'm suffocating under all the piles of stuff everywhere.

Then there's all my late husband's stuff - a garage half full of tools and various stuff that I'll probably never use, clothes, books, memorabilia, etc. I know letting go of his stuff doesn't let go of him. I'm somewhat itching to clear out some space so I can breathe. I don't want to get rid of too much right now because what if my kids want something of their dad's?

I'm not even sure where to start, honestly. I've tried various decluttering methods in the past, but haven't ever been able to stick with them long enough to make a difference (possible ADHD?). Any effort I make feels like a shell game where I'm just moving piles of crap from one spot to another. Please advise gently.