Disorganized attachment style
Hey everyone. I really need an outside perspective and some advice because I’m completely confused and emotionally burnt out.
I’ve been dating a girl for 7 months now. She has a disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment style. This is actually our second attempt at a relationship. We first got together when we were 16, and that lasted for about 9 months.
The first time around:
In the very beginning, everything was perfect, but the further it went, the worse it got. She completely stopped showing initiative, became cold, and started regularly ghosting/ignoring me for 24+ hours at a time. Back then, I leaned anxious: I kept pushing, trying to fix things, and suffocating her with attention to compensate for her coldness. Predictably, this made her pull away even more. We only saw each other once a week, and even then, it was always with a group of friends. We did talk on the phone for 3-4 hours, but it was mostly just me talking while she gave short, one-word answers and rarely brought up anything herself.
Towards the end of that relationship, I honestly told her that my feelings were fading and something needed to change. She agreed, and everything was great for a week, but then she abruptly broke up with me. Over the next 5 months, I tried to get her back 3 or 4 times, but she always refused (though I later found out she cried a lot over it because she still loved me). She suggested staying friends, but I refused, and we went no-contact for about a year.
The second attempt (present day):
Fast forward 1.5 years later, we got back together. The feelings were still there, and we both thought we had matured and changed. For the first month and a half, everything was perfect again, but then it all went downhill. I instantly noticed a shift in her attitude, and problems began snowballing.
Phone calls are completely dead: We haven't spoken on the phone in about 5 months. She never calls first, and I’m just exhausted from being the only one initiating.
Text-only communication + heavy ignoring: Everything has dwindled down to texting, and the same old coldness and 24+ hour ignoring routine started again. This is despite the fact that I explicitly told her beforehand that after our first breakup, I would never tolerate this kind of treatment again.
Constantly canceling plans: Whenever I suggest hanging out, she repeatedly reschedules, making up a million excuses. But the second friends invite her to a group hangout, she instantly has time. The most absurd part: recently, that group hangout got canceled, but she still "couldn't" meet up with me because she suddenly "had other plans."
Complete lack of intimacy: We only kiss hello and goodbye. There is absolutely zero initiative from her side, even though she swore she would make an effort.
She says a lot of beautiful words, promises to change, and texts me that she loves me, but her actions amount to an absolute zero. I feel like an emotional Tamagotchi that she only remembers once a day in between scrolling through TikTok. I am incredibly tired of always being the engine driving this relationship. Right now, I’m ready to throw in the towel. I’ve become completely indifferent, and I don't want to invest any more of my emotions or money into her.
What should I do next? Is it even worth giving a final ultimatum, or is this a dead end and it's time to walk away and block her for good? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
TL;DR: Got back together with my ex (fearful-avoidant) after 1.5 years apart. The exact same history is repeating itself: 24-hour ignoring, zero phone calls for 5 months, constantly canceling one-on-one dates but making time for friends, all while dropping "I love you" and empty promises to change. I'm emotionally checked out and want to end it.