So I went on a mental health forum when I was feeling extremely depressed and there was a person who told me they really liked interacting with me and they seemed really kind, supportive and caring. They told me how much they liked interacting with me and eventually followed me, comments on all of my posts, my comments on his posts, and even my comments on other people's posts. He even praised me in his post and tags me all the time.

He started PMing me and we really encouraged me to open up emotionally. I felt like we were sharing a deeply emotionally intimate connection and it felt really wonderful but also addictive to be validated like that, I dont have any other emotionally intimate relationships. However, this guy sends me about 20 PMs a day plus all the other comments. It prevents me from being on the rest of the board.

Suddenly I started to realize that he kept probing me to open up more and implied I wasnt being vulnerable enough with him and so I felt bad even though I thought I was and then turned my emotions up to 11. ​but he still keeps asking for more. Then it dawned on me he hasnt actually been that emotionally open himself. I am also seeing his mask slip and he has said some pretty shallow things. He now seems totally different that who he was in the beginning. I think he might be a narcissist. He said he got I to the most prestigious school in the US for a very prestigious profession which I now realize he probably made up.

I very nicely told him that I want to just chat on the forum not in the messages because it was overwhelming. He said he understood, but the day after he PMed again to "check in" and clarify how I wanted to interact on the forum now. I think it may have been a subtle boundary violation because he could very well just keep doing what he has been doing.

I feel so sucked in. Im sad that this connection was probably not genuine. There is still a part of me that actually wants to hold onto it. A nagging part of me even wonders if maybe it could actually be real and I am just self sabotaging. I hate that my attachment style makes me latch on so hard to anyone who shows me a little validation or makes me feel special. I also genuinely do not know how to navigate this connection now, I do not know what to say to him. I want to stay on the forum, it gave me a sense of purpose supporting others there and feeling like a part of a community albeit a mentally ill one. Any thoughts?

Is it true that secure people don’t blame themselves when other people can’t meet their needs/when someone else isn’t treating them well?

How do you do that lol. I just always feel like if I was “better” I could get someone to want me? Like if someone is like “no” or ends things that’s fine and I don’t have a problem with that and I move on, but if it’s the like inconsistent push-pull behavior I always want to get the other person to want me even if I don’t want them or even if their behavior is hurting me?

I’m also not even 100% sure I’m an AA leaning secure I think I may be FA leaning secure sometimes lol, because I’ve spent huge chunks of my life avoiding dating/relationships because it feels bad and scary. If someone is consistent my anxious attachment doesn’t get triggered, it’s not until I experience inconsistency that I get triggered, and I usually try to communicate clearly and don’t really do protest behaviors often these days.

I (21M) met a girl at a night club. She started talking to me and we danced together. We went to get drinks and in a drunken haze I realised she had already paid for my drink and hers before I could get out my wallet. We sat down at a table and kept talking for a while. Eventually we went back to the dance floor and kissed. At around 4 am we left the club and headed to my place. We got ready for bed as my roommate and my friends out of town I had left to the club with originally came to the apartment to sleep as well. Me and the girl cuddled and made out a few times in bed. We didn't have sex. In the morning she left quite swiftly back home as she had plans that day.

She had clearly expressed that she liked me as I did her. Now I can't help but feel very strongly attached to her even though we met and knew each other for only about 12 hours. I found her used nicotine pouch on the bed but I don't feel inclined to throw it out which I acknowledge is weird and creepy. I want to be able to move on from her but I also don't want her face to fade from my memory. I had a relatively long relationship which ended around half a year ago and I'm thinking if its lead to some underlying issues relating to my current feelings with this girl. I hate that I'm hyperfixating on this event that I feel like most people could shrug off more easily.

Any thoughts, comments or questions are appreciated.

I (18F) am in a bad spot in my life right now. I struggle with depression, and this is likely the main contributing factor to my feelings about my friend (also 18F).

My best friend is my favourite person. We spend a decent amount of time together/texting, and we both value each other strongly. The problem is that I have become too dependent on her. I find myself thinking of her as my only source of happiness. I count down the days until I get to see her, anticipate her texts, and am painfully upset when our meet-ups end. I can connect these feelings to my lack of enjoyment with life in general. I have no passions or prospects, so she is my only source of comfort, fun and understanding. I am clearly clinging to all the emotions she brings to my otherwise colourless life.

I finally decided this was a problem after I recently went on a short trip with this friend, which once over, left me absolutely beside myself with grief over losing the ability to see her non-stop. The end of that trip resulted in my depression instantly becoming the worst it has ever been, and I am still recovering from the severity of it. No point going in to detail, but I was frequently in tears and had completely lost my appetite for days.

This is simply causing too much anguish in my life. I want to spend all my time with my best friend. She wants to go to uni, spend time with her family, and have her own husband and kids - meaning she has priorities I am going to find too painful to see be placed over me in the future (and am already selfishly dreading).

I want to fix this. I am afraid to lose the strong love I have for her, but I cannot cope anymore. Lucky she is not aware of the extent of my feelings, but this is clearly unhealthy. I would hate to ruin what is the best thing in my life, and what is a very strong and beautiful relationship. I would also hate to hurt her, make her uncomfortable, etc because she does not deserve that at all. Please help or give advice.

I feel like I’m missing something and trying to understand the avoidant experience more. For context, I lean secure/anxious but am still learning more about attachment.

My close friend of 7 years has been with her boyfriend for a few years they are typically on a constant emotional rollercoaster. I've been supportive, letting her stay over when they fight, listening for hours, etc.

She's caused 2 incidents in the past with our pets where they could've gotten hurt. We were present both times thankfully and handled it ourselves. She wasnt paying close attention but it was not malicious. So we let it go each time but were beginning to be wary of trusting her. We recently got back from a trip and she'd been pet sitting, & there were 3 different things not taken care of (house + pets).

I texted asking a few questions, like "do you know how long XYZ was left on?" She started getting defensive and dismissive “that shouldn’t have caused a problem”. I wasn't planning on being really direct until she was dismissive. I rarely put my foot down but wasn't really okay with the pets being affected again and felt like 3 chances were enough.

I told her mistakes happen, but the cats were also very close to out of water and that we'd feel more comfortable asking someone else going forward. I’m happy to share more of the exact wording if it’s helpful. She stopped talking to me for 5 days. I reached out after a few days to ask about talking before my trip the next week.

She said she didn't want to talk, and *might* be okay with talking before she leaves in 2 weeks for a through hike (that would be 4 weeks of not talking). but that she’s struggling to commit to that and she might not be ready until she's back from that trip (that would be 6 weeks).

During this, my bf and I got engaged. He had told her he'd be proposing very soon, and she knew I had a ring for him too and that we'd probably do it at the festival. She knew and still decided to step away, already having 2 weeks of space before we even left for the festival.

In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her tell someone she doesn’t want to talk for a month. I’d like to handle things in the way she needs so it doesn’t turn into a big blow up.

EDIT: I’m not looking for advice to repair with this specific friend. I’m able to process my personal feelings in counseling. But I’d like to know what to expect for future friendships. Is this normal? What helps make confrontation easier if you are avoidant?

If your friend told you they didn't feel comfortable with you pet sitting, how long would you go without communicating?

ist not that i hate myself i just gen wanna live be happy have friends

but the more i expect the more dissapointed i ll be i lost my bestfriend in 1 night

people can leave so quickly that it seems that they never cared in the first place.

i ve came to peace w ppl leaving my life but i am still attached to some people and i fucking hate

how much my mood depends on their attention i want to be able to go through my day and them just being a add on

not the center of my day.i fucking the hate that all i do is talk cause whenver i take action it ll be for a week-month max then

i go back to the same habits.

how tf do i get better

~ FA- fearful avoidant DA- Dismissive avoidant ~

I'm 33F, FA, and he's 36M, DA. We met four years ago through a dating app. At the time, I had limited self-awareness and emotional maturity, while he was a startup founder and I was a VC. We operate in a small, high-pressure ecosystem with significant power dynamics.

We had an intense, flirtatious first conversation and slept together the next day. Before that, he told me he wasn't looking to marry, while I wanted marriage. I therefore assumed it wouldn't go anywhere. Over the following months, however, we periodically reconnected, and he once told me that meeting me had changed how he felt about marriage, although he never explicitly pursued a relationship.

I eventually developed a negative perception of him after a serious controversy involving his company. Later, after I had moved cities and was seeing someone else, he unexpectedly contacted me and initiated an emotional and sexual conversation, while also telling me he was in a "relationship of convenience" with another woman. When I confronted him about his intentions and his character, he blocked me.

He subsequently rebuilt his company and regained professional credibility. About a year later he unblocked me. By then I had become much more emotionally self-aware, and I confronted him again about his pattern of engaging with me without wanting to pursue a relationship. I also told him that, because of my father's addiction issues and similar patterns, I didn't want to associate closely with someone who had comparable traits.

Since then, I've dated other people, but he still occupies a uniquely intense place in my mind. I check his social media and sometimes feel that he is trying to communicate with me indirectly through his posts. Recently, his business partner seemed to want to reconnect with me about him, but I declined and said I only wanted friendship.

I don't understand why I still experience such a painful bond with him after four years, despite knowing that the relationship isn't healthy for me. I sometimes feel that my weekend depression is partly related to never getting closure. Recently, he posted something about substance abuse, which I interpreted as possibly being directed at me, and I told him not to obsess over me and that we should remain friends.

What is actually happening psychologically between us? Why does he still feel so emotionally significant to me, and why does the bond remain painful despite my having moved on in other areas of my life?

I [27M] had some childhood issues - parents divorcing, a mom with narcissistic traits, brother who physically threatened me from when I was young into my teenage years, and my mom’s partner who was abusive to the point where I moved out when I was 17. My dad was there in support only, but I would have appreciated it if he had done more given my age and what was happening although he had his own traumas looking back.

I’ve had a fair number of relationships over the years which don’t seem to last, and I only learnt about attachment theory last month. Since then I’ve been looking back at my relationships and trying to work out what my own attachment pattern actually is.

First relationship

The first was a girl that I had a relationship with when I was 11 and 14 for a few months, and finally again at 17 for almost a year. It was almost always her that initiated the relationships.

We had very good chemistry and every time, after a few months, she would suddenly go cold until the breakup. Her dad wasn’t present in her life when she was young and there were some other family issues that she told me about but I didn't fully grasp at the time.

I did like her a lot due to our chemistry, mutual values and similar childhood experiences, so I feel like I was more on the anxious side with her because she was someone I genuinely liked and had good compatibility with. Whenever she became distant I became more anxious.

Relationships where I wasn’t that interested

There were a few others over the years that were soso relationships or situationships, but notably I dated two girls that I wasn’t exactly fully interested in. I liked them, but I knew from the start that I would never marry them or see them as long-term partners - I am very selective, and it was over things such as their height, physical appearance, friend groups, ethnicity, intelligence that I was extremely picky about. Chemistry was there but compatibility was not.

The start would be intense and whatnot, but over time my interest would wane. I would stop actively going to see them and it was always them initiating, dismiss their concerns or questions about the future, and essentially keep them around for access even though I knew I didn’t see a future with them.

Looking back years later, I don’t think this was attachment deactivation. I think I just wasn’t that interested in them in the first place and liked the idea of them / liked having access to them. This was probably closer to narcissistic or selfish behaviour from my side rather than an FA deactivation, because the attachment wasn’t particularly strong to begin with.

Long-distance relationship

I then had a long-term relationship of around 1.5 years with another girl that I had previously been friends with. It became an LDR because she went overseas for college. When COVID came I couldn’t visit her anymore, and we broke up a few months after flights were suspended.

Every time we met in person it was very intense, although when we were apart we stayed in touch by FaceTiming basically every day, or close to it, usually for an hour or two.

I remember there were a few times where she said things that I took as critical of me and I shut down quite hard and became upset at her. For example, she asked me to exercise more and wanted to “track” my exercise. She would get moody if I didn’t go, which made me extremely uncomfortable.

Another time I bought her a luxury branded necklace and mailed it to her, and she was critical that I bought it from my local store and posted it instead of just buying it online from the store in her country. My reaction was basically, “I’m already getting you a gift, why are you making me feel bad?”

I think she was struggling at the time due to COVID as well. She was mostly brought up in what seemed like a good household, although her father was absent quite a lot due to doing business in another country despite them otherwise having a good relationship.

That relationship was mostly good and I did like her and see a future with her. At the time I thought I was secure in that relationship, although looking back I noticed that I would start distancing or avoiding whenever she said something that I took as criticism or negative.

I’ve also wondered whether the physical distance was part of why we maintained it for so long, because we were emotionally very connected but still had a lot of physical space from each other.

Current / recurring relationship

The relationship that has really made me think about all of this is with the girl I’m currently involved with.

I originally started off seeing her casually and I was actually distant / avoidant towards her at the beginning because I didn't want to think that I was too interested in her. I would tell her that I would only want to see her because I didn't want a relationship due to being busy with work. For example, I wouldn’t hold her hand or really take her out in public for the first few months. At the time I don’t think I was particularly attached yet and was treating it as something casual. During this time, I was more avoidant (and lacking any emotional connection to her) and she was always the one asking to see me, asking if we were still seeing each other, or if I blocked her as one time her messages weren't coming through.

After we had been seeing each other for a few months, though, we realised we were very attracted to each other. After around three months we bonded really well, to the point where we were messaging each other constantly and seeing each other basically every day. She eventually moved in with me and everything became very intense and great.

Then one day something shifted. I unintentionally did something that triggered one of her past traumas and she suddenly started distancing herself from me almost immediately. She asked to break up shortly afterwards (within about 10 days of the trigger) and told me she was going to move back home. She was also getting busy with school around this time as well for context.

Because I genuinely liked her by then, I became anxious. I asked her to reconsider the breakup and she moved back to her own place in the meantime. We kept in contact, texting daily, but she was very cold. Looking back, I think keeping in contact and continuing to try to resolve things probably pushed her further away.

Things eventually ended shortly afterwards and not in a good way. When she started pulling away, I was very anxious rather than avoidant.

Reconnecting a year later

I reached out to her around a year later and we started talking as if nothing had happened. She was super happy and messaged me daily and was affectionate and told me about her life updates. We mutually apologised for how the relationship ended as it was quite bad on both sides.

After texting for about a month we met up and went on a short trip together. I think she was suspicious about why I wanted to go on a trip with her. To be honest, she asked me why I invited her and I never answered directly, brushing off the questions, but in reality I just wanted to become close to her again but I was not willing to say so at the time. During the trip she noticed some clothes in my bag that suggested that I had a child, and she asked me if I had a child that I didn't tell her about - which I didn't - and she ended things after the trip. I was extremely confused because it was almost like a black and white change. She went from being very enthusiastic and messaging me every day to suddenly being extremely cold.

She reaches out two years later

Then two years later she reached out to me herself asking to date again.

We went on a date and the chemistry was amazing from day 1. We were both still very physically attracted to each other and went on many more dates to rekindle things. She told me about her life in between these two years and that she didn't trust me during that brief time we rekindled in between which is why she ended things back then. Eventually we made things official.

She and I both told our friends about each other and talked about the future, and it seemed like she wanted to be serious with me.

One thing I noticed this time around was that she would pull back if I accidentally said something that might have made her upset, but she would now be very clear in requesting space. That was something I noticed was different from the first time we dated. During some minor arguments she would explicitly say she needed space, I would leave her alone, and then we would come back later.

I think she may have done some work since the first time I dated her, even though we’ve never talked about attachment theory.

Recent conflict

Recently she had an extremely busy period with work and school. There were periods where she was barely sleeping and sometimes seemingly not sleeping properly for days. Because of this we were also spending much less time together.

I started an argument with her about us not spending enough time together after a date we had. She apologised and said she would try and work on it. Looking back, I should have left it there, but because I was already anxious I kept pressing the issue the next day. That was my fault.

The conversation eventually got to the point where she thought I was trying to break up with her, which wasn’t what I wanted at all. She said I had made her feel extremely uncomfortable and that she would reach out to me when she feels better. From that day, she stopped replying to my messages normally. I checked in with her a few days later and got no reply.

A few days later I spiralled and sent another few messages. Eventually I explicitly asked her whether she wanted to break up or whether she just needed some time. She replied that she needed space and we've been in no contact since.

After the pullback I also started getting targeted with attachment theory ads on Meta lol, which is what got me reading about all of this.

The part that makes me question whether I’m FA

The part that confuses me about my own attachment style is that I’ve rarely experienced what I would describe as a major deactivation towards a romantic partner.

The exception would maybe be the girlfriend who criticised me, where I noticed I would distance quite strongly after criticism but it'd be short and only for a few hours or days at most. But I have had something that sounds much more like deactivation with my parents.

For a period of time I used to go driving practice with my dad basically every day for hours. We would drive around, practise, and then go eat together. We did this daily for many months consecutively.

Then one day something triggered me. It brought up childhood memories around what he “didn’t do” for me when I was young, and after that I basically got the “ick” towards him. It was almost like the way I saw him changed.

He would ask me if I had eaten because we used to eat together daily, and I would just ignore him. He would try to make conversation and I would say negative things like “you’ve said the same thing a hundred times.” I became critical of almost every small thing he did: his cooking, things he said, random habits, basically whatever came to mind.

I went from spending hours with him every day to being irritated by almost everything he did. I would do the cooking myself and everything away from him.

Another example was when I injured myself very badly. I was bleeding profusely and ended up needing surgery. My dad offered to drive me to the hospital, but instead I refused and drove myself there, had surgery and then drove myself back.

Looking back, that seems much more like avoidant deactivation than anything I’ve experienced romantically. I basically preferred dealing with a serious injury completely by myself rather than accepting help from him.

My mom

For my mom, the reaction is even stronger.

Almost everything she says or does triggers me from her lack of emotional maturity and because of our history. I would often just walk out of her house when she started doing something that triggered me. If she came to my house and crossed a boundary, I would tell her to get out.

I've told her about some of the issues, for example that I don't want to deal with my brother because he was physically threatening when I was younger or about the health issues of her partner. Essentially my parents would fight when I was young and my brother would physically threaten me to have them stop fighting and when she asks why I don't want to talk to my brother, I would bring this up, and she would say that she doesn't remember any of it happening. I told her I don't want to hear about her partner and she would continue giving updates, such as texts about which hospital and ward he would be in whenever he was sick. When I caught COVID, she had my brother deliver food items to me for instance and I didn't want him knowing where I live due to the physical threats in my youth. She would send texts saying that she needs a laptop and asked me if I have any for her, and if I do to give it to my brother, and if I didn't, she'll find someone else to ask (thought of this to be a strange way to ask).

I also noticed that when I was younger I was quite judgemental and critical of other people, and I think I picked up a lot of that behaviour from her. It’s something I became more aware of as I got older and have tried to change. For these reasons, I stopped speaking to my mom. I don’t reply to her texts anymore and generally try to keep my distance.

I’ve also noticed that she and all of her sisters are divorced and all seem to have problems of their own. From what I know, my mom doesn’t have many friends either.

Outside of relationships I’m generally pretty functional. I did well schoolwise. Careerwise I am also doing well and I generally look after myself through exercise, eating and self-care. I started working from the age of 15 and have always been used to doing things myself.

Questions

1. I’ve experienced a deactivation towards my parents before, but rarely with romantic partners apart from maybe the girlfriend who criticised me.

The girls I wasn’t interested in from the beginning, I don’t think I really deactivated on. I think the attachment simply wasn’t strong to begin with.

When I genuinely like someone and they start distancing themselves from me, I seem to become much more anxious. I want reassurance, I want to fix it, and I have a tendency to pursue when I feel like I’m losing the person.

Would you consider this kind of pattern characteristic of FA? Can someone be much more anxious with romantic partners but strongly avoidant / deactivated with parents?

2. Whilst I don’t think I’ve had a major deactivation in a romantic relationship, I’m worried about having one in the future.

I know how extreme the change with my dad felt. One day we were spending hours together every day and then something triggered me and suddenly almost everything about him irritated me.

I worry that one day I could be in a serious long term relationship or married and something triggers me and I suddenly feel the same way towards my partner. Is this something I should actually be worried about?

3. For those of you who have healed and done the work, what interventions would you recommend?

I’ve already read books such as Secure Love and Attached, and watched Thais Gibson and similar attachment content.

The theory makes sense to me, but I imagine understanding it intellectually and actually changing how you react are two very different things.

What actually helped you? Therapy? EMDR? IFS? Somatic work? Journaling? Learning to tolerate conflict? Working on sensitivity to criticism? Working through resentment towards your parents?

Is therapy the best way to go or can a meaningful amount of this be self-done? Any books, exercises or other resources would be appreciated.

4. For my partner, we’re taking some time apart right now.

I think she’s done some work since the first time I dated her because this time I noticed that during minor arguments she would actively tell me she needed space and we would come back later. Previously she would just become distant.

Right now she has asked for space after already having a massive workload, barely sleeping, and then becoming more overwhelmed after I started the argument and continued pressing the issue after she had already apologised.

For people who are FA and experience this kind of pullback, what actually helps when you’re in that state? Does being left alone generally reduce the intensity or length of it? What helps you come back out of it?

And longer term, what helps reduce how often these deactivations happen or how severe they become?

I also know that my side of the cycle is something I need to work on. When she pulled away, I became anxious and wanted reassurance immediately, which probably made her feel even more overwhelmed.

5. What does “healed” actually look like?

Do you eventually stop deactivating, or do you still sometimes get the initial reaction but recognise what’s happening and manage it differently?

For example, do you still suddenly feel like “I don’t want this person around me,” “everything they’re doing is annoying me,” or “I want to leave,” but recognise that you’re triggered and don’t make major relationship decisions until you’ve calmed down?

Is becoming secure basically that the triggers become less intense and stop controlling your behaviour, or do the reactions themselves eventually mostly disappear?

Thanks so much if you’ve read this far. I know it’s long, but I wanted to include the relationship history because I’m trying to cut these patterns and become more self aware.

Hi guys! I just wanted to share my part and hopefully it can resonate. Ive struggled with AA since I started dating in my twenties. It’s the reason my 4 yr first serious relationship fell apart. It was intense, insecure, and toxic because of me (and the dynamic). Ive been single for about a year afterward and gained a sense of awareness and healed my AA. I felt like a new person. Eventually, I got into my current LDR of nearly 2 years. We were already good friends for years, but miles apart. Nonetheless, it was and still is the best relationship I’ve had. It felt like natural romantic chemistry. For the first year I was secure and it helped that he is too. I took what I learned and we were very trusting and healthy, it truly felt like cloud 9. It was an incredibly healthy relationship that I’ve never experienced before.
About 3 months ago, there was an event that really triggered me. It was unexpected that I spiraled after not spiraling for a long time. I was aware but didn’t stop it, it was intense. I ended up doing something impulsive I regret til this day because of said trigger. Since then, I’ve become depressed and sucked back into my anxious attachment style. I have been put on antidepressants for the first time as well. This pretty much sums up my past 3 months. Recently, I’ve held resentment over things, said things I can’t take back due to triggers, and have had inner conflicts and spirals. Not fun. I told myself I’d never want him to experience these toxic habits I thought I’ve buried, because he is truly the love of my life. They’ll show up in constantly bringing up the same issues, needing extra reassurance etc. Then, I tried to end the relationship bc of the embarrassment I felt, and feeling of ruining the relationship. We have a very deep, genuine love for eachother and I’m lucky to have him want to stay together for the long run. Not to mention, unusual circumstances of LD can have unusual feelings or adjustments. I’m trying to kinder and more forgiving of myself. Obviously, this is just a glimpse into an entire long-term relationship which doesn’t include contexts, history, and dynamics. But I can very well say that we have the same patience for eachother in different ways.
Today I became a little more aware of my relapse and it was a bit easier to get started/ back into the healing routine I’ve done before. With podcasts, and journaling throughout the day. Just starting building a relationship with myself again and I already feel so much lighter. Today felt like a big step. :) I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I hope you find it in yourselves to become the best versions of yourselves ✨

I need some help regarding my situationship...

We met on discord. Started talking about 3-4 months ago... I am in europe he's in another continent entirely. I love him very dearly and I have told him so. He seems to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and he knows, but he puts a lot of effort into not becoming avoidant even tho he told me he had a very strong urge to (that was abt a month ago). He has a one year rule where he doesnt date someone/make it official. When I asked, he said he self imposed it for no particular reason, but now that we talked more/emotionally connected, I am guessing its because of the fear of getting hurt (past relationship trauma).

The thing is his very trauma now seems to be flipped on me now. You see, he has a fear of getting attached, because last time he didnt receive an ounce of what he gave in return. He's scared to lose himself again, as it was so bad it costed his mental health and nearly his life. He's still baffled to this day on how much effort I put, he's not used to receiving that much love from someone, he didn't even think it was possible. He told me to leave, there's better people, but I said I'll wait until he heals, we can go on this journey together etc.

In the beginning it was okay he didnt put that much effort/initiative, but as things progressed he started saying things like "I am yours and you’re mine" which made me very happy, and tbh we are like a couple without the label. However I feel like I dont see that side of him he claims he does when he loves. I kinda try to connect even tho we are far away, like wanting to call him, watch movie together on a stream, play a game, just do something even if it's virtual... but its always me asking. I feel like he's not used to distance, whereas my past relationship was also ldr. But even when I do ask, he's either busy or he straight up doesnt like it. Like today I asked him to download this app for friends and couples to do random activities and he did download it, but he didn't like the app. I tried to remain calm, and he said he would rather spend time with me, but thats literally not gonna be possible for about 1-2 years. He doesnt like watching movies, which is okay, and he also isnt really a gamer, but like I am trying so hard to find an activity we can do. And sometimes we do, he did watch a movie with me, he usualy says yes to calling but they never last as long as I would want to. I feel like the timedifference and maybe language also plays in this and its making it harder for us.

Dont get me wrong its not like he puts 0 effort... he asks me questions, reassures me, he clearly does put effort into talking to me even tho he's busy, and when he knows he'll be unavailable he tells me so. He comunicates his needs with me, which is great. He's really just such a sweetheart but this little thing does bother me, thing is I always tell him not to stress himself if he can't find the time, but on the other hand I kind of am always the one asking to call or do smth and he js... he says he can always tell me if I want smth and he'll do it, but still. I feel like the fact he's neurodivergent is not helping at all here he clearly has no ill intention and is processing things/he's definitely busy like even in the discord server with our friends he's not there as much because he's busy.

He DOES join when he can, but idk, I guess i am js venting here. Thing is its making me feel sad enough to try finding attention from my friends to distract myself from the fact its all so inbalanced. Like, he even said he'd make a website for me (One that generates compliments for me). Its been few months and I didn't get it yet, meanwhile i've drawn him in my sketchbook twice, written 2 poems, one rant, a whole birth chart analysis, and who knows what else i dont even remember.

Idk its like the fact we are so far apart makes it so hard to find something to do in common. He's more the typa person to want to go to places outside and have fun adventures which is why I like him because I feel the same, but as i've already been in a ldr, i know that it can be so lonely if you dont try finding ways to spend time together while being so far away, and he doesnt seem to feel the same way or notice at the least.

Today I asked him if he can maybe propose an idea to spend time toghether, he asked for example but I said he should do it and tell me for when that is. I didnt tell him the reason for that was because every time I ask he either busy or we do it, he enjoys the time together, but when I ask again he says he's not the biggest fan if said activity. Idk. Even when I ask can we facetime while working, we did it once few days ago but then his friend walked into the room and he had to leave or smth gets in the way and when I ask again he said he dowsnt rly do facetiming etc, he's more of a texter/real life hangout which I totally get but like... its not possible and I ely js wanna see him even if it's js a muted facecall while we both do our thing. When i vc with my dc friends we all ask him to join, like today we gamed and then we js listened to music together, and he replied to us that he had his own playlist with songs he wanted to losten to... like get the hint i js wanna spend time together TwT Idk... :(

He's REALLY bad at taking hints btw i was flirting with him in the most obvious way (like giving very specific compliments, hearts, dirty jokes, straight up saying I love you) and he thought i was being friendly ffs, until I had a serious talk with him. Thats why I think its complicated i dont think its a lack of interest he js takes things too literally or misinterprets them completely 🥹 and its not even that he tries to hide us he openly flirts with me infront of our friends and stuff like I AM CONVINCED its the distance and his lack of social cues 😭 in his past rlp he had to teach himself things (for example making compliments). I am thinking maybe I have to figure out how to tell him what I want without making him feel overwhelmed. Before ony of yall go "just comunicate", the issue is in my mind ik abt past issues and also ik he has a full plate of work already and I dont want him to feel like this is something in addition... i care abt his mental health but I also wish I received the same effort I put back... but ik i am bit over the top... i was js hoping we'd match as he said he's very over the top too in love so I got my hopes up...

Please help? I love him so so much and he is already attached aswell he even said I gave him some real hope and if this doesn't work out I'll be the last he ever tries with, and I dont wanna leave in the first place, but I am also js a bit bored all the time and its like i have to ask my gaming buddies or other ppl to spend more time with me even tho I had previously hoped i could use that to do smth with him.

Any suggestions on how I can comunicate my needs without overwhelming him knowing he has lots to do?

So, I (25F) think I have a disorganized attachment, because while I don't... Make disasters and protest a lot, I crave to see my SO and when I see him I get anxious out of nowhere/start dissociating when the future comes up or I have to be vulnerable. I also overthinking of we're gonna make it and I'm good enough (trauma around being called too much, even now. And Rocd, and autism and anxiety+depression diagnosis although I'm stabilized by meds now and the ocd and anxiety are linked to also overwhelm and seizures)

I usually (almost always) don't ask for help..I don't even quite know what I could ask others to help me with (that's my therapy's homework tbh).

And it seems that my SO has anxious attachment but he looks secure at first glance. He is kinda in between, the closer people are to him, the more pressure, the more anxious attachment he seems to be.

We're also Neurodivergent people. Hi has (undiagnosed but at the same time pretty obvious ADHD since childhood. So self diagnosed) and I have autism (what would have been classified as Asperger).

I wonder...is this..workable? I see many people say that disorganized attachment will mess up more other attachment styles that aren't secure.

Me and my partner have been dating for about 4 months, been going good however she has come to me asking for space. She said that she's been struggling and realised she's unhealthily attatched to me as whenever I leave she becomes incredibly depressed, low energy and just waits for me to either return or text her. She doesn't like that and needs it to change. Howveer, we've tried different dynamics and nothing has worked so now we've gone on a break where the aim is for her to work on her mindset to become healthily attatched and for us to come back together in likely 3-4 months or so (maybe a lil longer). We are still talking in bits during this time and occasionally seeing eachother

I am now feeling very anxiously attatched, analysing every message and interaction, obsessing over their location and worrying over who they're texting and what they're doing. I'm not sure what to do, and I don't want to talk to her about it as it defeats the whole point of space. Anyone have any advice for me, for her or about the situation? Can go into more detail if needed