r/HealMyAttachmentStyle

Okay so I recently reconnected with someone I hurt a few months ago after completely shutting down emotionally and avoiding everything. At the time I genuinely convinced myself I didn’t even have feelings for her anymore, but after a lot of reflection (and therapy), I realized the feelings never actually disappeared. I just deactivated HARD once things started feeling emotionally real and vulnerable.

Now we’re talking again and honestly I want her so bad bro like I want closeness with her, I want affection, I want domesticity, I want all of it. And she knows how I feel too. We’ve had very honest conversations about it and she’s basically said she wants to take things slowly, find a nice path forward, and give me space/time to show consistency instead of rushing anything.

The issue is my nervous system reacts to closeness like it’s a life threatening event even though emotionally it’s what I want most. I’ll spend all day thinking about her, wanting to talk to her, wanting to see her, but then I’ll suddenly get overwhelmed and anxious and start overanalyzing everything. I wake up anxious sometimes, I get nauseous, I lose my appetite, and when I get REALLY overwhelmed I emotionally detach for a bit and my brain starts going “run” even though that’s not actually what I want.

And the confusing part is that the second I calm down or think about actually seeing her in person, hugging her, hearing her voice, etc., the feelings are immediately there again very strongly. Like immediate butterflies. So it’s not that I don’t care. If anything I care too much and my brain freaks out because of how vulnerable it makes me feel.

I’m in therapy now and actively trying not to repeat old patterns. I’m communicating instead of disappearing, trying not to react impulsively when anxious, and being honest that I need things to move slowly because I don’t trust myself to jump into something intense right away without getting overwhelmed again.

I guess I’m asking if anyone else with fearful avoidant tendencies has experienced this weird disconnect where emotionally you want closeness so badly but your nervous system keeps interpreting it as danger? And how do you actually regulate yourself enough to stay present instead of wanting to run the second things feel real?

excuse my english and grammar since English's not my mother language.

me (17F) and my girlfriend (19F) have been in a relationship for over a year, we've always had ups and downs but now im starting to really realise what this relationship brings into my life.

she has avoidant attatchment and has problems with communication, i am anxious and I've always tolerated this behaviour for the sake of the relationship and because we wanted to heal together.

so far, i started to heal and she did too, but much less.

we still have problems communicating and I'm really starting to feel like im the only one putting effort and continuing the relationship, and she's just there.

I'm starting to resent her for this, this sunday we had a serious conversation and I've told her that im reaching my limit, that she never acknowledge my feelings and that she's always putting herself first (which is not a problem generally but in arguments it's starting to become one). she said that she will go to therapy because she cares about our relationship, so i just waited.

today we had a conversation and this subject came up again, making me feel more alone that ever.

she says that she doesn't understand me while i feel like she isn't even trying to. i just said "i figured" and she responded with "im sorry".

i feel stuck in this situation, i also have R- OCD and things are heavy for me, she knows that.

im starting to feel alone in my own relationship and i don't know if things are ever going to change or im just holding on endlessly when i should just let go.

i could really use some advice here, should i continue being patient or should i move on?

how can i handle this situation in a way that a secure attatchment person would?