u/West_Macaroon2906

I feel like I’m missing something and trying to understand the avoidant experience more. For context, I lean secure/anxious but am still learning more about attachment.

My close friend of 7 years has been with her boyfriend for a few years they are typically on a constant emotional rollercoaster. I've been supportive, letting her stay over when they fight, listening for hours, etc.

She's caused 2 incidents in the past with our pets where they could've gotten hurt. We were present both times thankfully and handled it ourselves. She wasnt paying close attention but it was not malicious. So we let it go each time but were beginning to be wary of trusting her. We recently got back from a trip and she'd been pet sitting, & there were 3 different things not taken care of (house + pets).

I texted asking a few questions, like "do you know how long XYZ was left on?" She started getting defensive and dismissive “that shouldn’t have caused a problem”. I wasn't planning on being really direct until she was dismissive. I rarely put my foot down but wasn't really okay with the pets being affected again and felt like 3 chances were enough.

I told her mistakes happen, but the cats were also very close to out of water and that we'd feel more comfortable asking someone else going forward. I’m happy to share more of the exact wording if it’s helpful. She stopped talking to me for 5 days. I reached out after a few days to ask about talking before my trip the next week.

She said she didn't want to talk, and *might* be okay with talking before she leaves in 2 weeks for a through hike (that would be 4 weeks of not talking). but that she’s struggling to commit to that and she might not be ready until she's back from that trip (that would be 6 weeks).

During this, my bf and I got engaged. He had told her he'd be proposing very soon, and she knew I had a ring for him too and that we'd probably do it at the festival. She knew and still decided to step away, already having 2 weeks of space before we even left for the festival.

In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her tell someone she doesn’t want to talk for a month. I’d like to handle things in the way she needs so it doesn’t turn into a big blow up.

EDIT: I’m not looking for advice to repair with this specific friend. I’m able to process my personal feelings in counseling. But I’d like to know what to expect for future friendships. Is this normal? What helps make confrontation easier if you are avoidant?

If your friend told you they didn't feel comfortable with you pet sitting, how long would you go without communicating?

My best friend of 7 years go into an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago. Over time, she has been completely consumed by him and their emotional rollercoaster. I know and understand ppl in abusive relationships don’t have much emotional capacity. I grew up with an alcoholic, so I get it.

However, I’ve barely set boundaries and said no which is my fault. She was going through a really hard time and I didn’t want to add another difficult talk to it all. She cries almost everytime I see her about a fight with her bf. But I should have still spoken up.

She has become more and more inconsiderate to the point of being mean. For the first 4-5 yrs of our friendship she was a very supportive and generous person. She became a counselor bc of wanting to help ppl.

There came a few unsafe situations she caused with our pets (we chalked it up to honest mistakes and let it go) and then multiple mistakes while pet sitting recently (cats barely had water, etc). When she was defensive about it, I kindly said we understand mistakes happen but will be asking others to pet sit in the future so we have more peace of mind.

She refused to talk to me for weeks (4-5 weeks). Even tho my bf had told her he’d be proposing very soon and she knew I had a ring for him too.

Today, a friend sent a message in our group chat trying to make plans for a Friendsgiving trip and I see “you left the conversation”. I looked it up and it only says that when you’ve been removed. EDIT: this group chat is just for planning the trip, we don’t use it otherwise.

I’m finding it very hard to forgive her. It feels like a mean girl move. I’ve never uninvited someone from anything. I have zero issues with anyone in the friend group other than her.

This was all on top of months of feeling hurt by her actions/words already. AND her missing our engagement over me saying she can’t pet sit, ppl around her know we are engaged and she still hasn’t said congrats.

I’ve not been venting or talking about this situation with friends so that I’m not gossiping, only to my fiance. Which is why I’m here on Reddit lol.

Idk who she is anymore, and that makes me rly sad not just for me but for her too. I was friends with her bc of how kind she used to be, and that seems to be slipping away or just mostly gone. Idk if my trust can be rebuilt in the future or if I should try.

I just need some empathy here honestly, not cruel comments. I could really use some support and somewhere to process this where I'm not gossiping with our mutual friends. My fiance shouldn’t have to carry the weight of all this.

My best friend of 7 years got into an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and since then she's turned into a more callous, inconsiderate version of herself. I know how this goes, I grew up in an abusive home myself. Our whole friendship has kinda come to revolve around her bf and their fights. I've told her this before in gentle ways and nothing changes.

A few weeks ago things hit a breaking point. She's had two incidents where our pets could've gotten hurt and we always just chalked it up to honest mistakes. Then she pet sat and we came home to three different problems. I asked some questions, gave mild feedback, she got defensive. Because she wasn’t taking my concern seriously, I told her mistakes happen but we're gonna have someone else watch them from now on. She stopped talking to me for 5 days.

I reached out to try and fix things before a trip me and my partner had coming up. She said no, maybe in a few weeks, but she couldn't commit to that even.

Turns out my bf had told her he was going to propose really soon, and she also knew I'd already gotten a ring for him too (only found this out after he actually proposed). So we were about to leave for our last big trip of the year, just us two, right when she was giving me the silent treatment. All the signs were there that it was really likely we’d get engaged.

I can't help but feel like either she was too hurt to see it, or some part of her knew and decided to punish me by going silent during exactly that window. Idk if it was conscious or subconscious. But I don’t like feeling like maybe I was so invisible she couldn’t even see we were about to get engaged OR she figured it out wanted to twist the knife a little deeper.

I know this isn't the worst thing a friend's ever done to someone. But it feels like the same old thing like when I was a kid, invisible and absorbing the cost and not having my own room to be celebrated.

I just need some empathy here honestly, not cruel comments. I could really use some support and somewhere to process this where I'm not gossiping with our mutual friends. My fiance shouldn’t have to carry the weight of all this.

My best friend of 7 years got into an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and since then she's turned into a more callous, inconsiderate version of herself. I know how this goes, I grew up in an abusive home myself. Our whole friendship has kinda come to revolve around her bf and their fights. I've told her this before in gentle ways and nothing changes.

A few weeks ago things hit a breaking point. She's had two incidents where our pets could've gotten hurt and we always just chalked it up to honest mistakes. Then she pet sat and we came home to three different problems. I asked some questions, gave mild feedback, she got defensive. Because she wasn’t taking my concern seriously, I told her mistakes happen but we're gonna have someone else watch them from now on. She stopped talking to me for 5 days.

I reached out to try and fix things before a trip me and my partner had coming up. She said no, maybe in a few weeks, but she couldn't commit to that even.

Turns out my bf had told her he was going to propose really soon, and she also knew I'd already gotten a ring for him too (only found this out after he actually proposed). So we were about to leave for our last big trip of the year, just us two, right when she was giving me the silent treatment. All the signs were there that it was really likely we’d get engaged.

I can't help but feel like either she was too hurt to see it, or some part of her knew and decided to punish me by going silent during exactly that window. Idk if it was conscious or subconscious. But I don’t like feeling like maybe I was so invisible she couldn’t even see we were about to get engaged OR she figured it out wanted to twist the knife a little deeper.

I know this isn't the worst thing a friend's ever done to someone. But it feels like the same old thing like when I was a kid, invisible and absorbing the cost and not having my own room to be celebrated.

I just need some empathy here honestly, not cruel comments. I could really use some support and somewhere to process this where I'm not gossiping with our mutual friends. My fiance shouldn’t have to carry the weight of all this.

My best friend of 7 years got into an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and since then she's turned into a more callous, inconsiderate version of herself. I know how this goes, I grew up in an abusive home myself. Our whole friendship has kinda come to revolve around her bf and their fights. I've told her this before in gentle ways and nothing changes.

A few weeks ago things hit a breaking point. She's had two incidents where our pets could've gotten hurt and we always just chalked it up to honest mistakes. Then she pet sat and we came home to three different problems. I asked some questions, gave mild feedback, she got defensive. Because she wasn’t taking my concern seriously, I told her mistakes happen but we're gonna have someone else watch them from now on. She stopped talking to me for 5 days.

I reached out to try and fix things before a trip me and my partner had coming up. She said no, maybe in a few weeks, but she couldn't commit to that even.

Turns out my bf had told her he was going to propose really soon, and she also knew I'd already gotten a ring for him too (only found this out after he actually proposed). So we were about to leave for our last big trip of the year, just us two, right when she was giving me the silent treatment. All the signs were there that it was really likely we’d get engaged.

I can't help but feel like either she was too hurt to see it, or some part of her knew and decided to punish me by going silent during exactly that window. Idk if it was conscious or subconscious. But I don’t like feeling like maybe I was so invisible she couldn’t even see we were about to get engaged OR she figured it out wanted to twist the knife a little deeper.

I know this isn't the worst thing a friend's ever done to someone. But it feels like the same old thing like when I was a kid, invisible and absorbing the cost and not having my own room to be celebrated.