I [27M] had some childhood issues - parents divorcing, a mom with narcissistic traits, brother who physically threatened me from when I was young into my teenage years, and my mom’s partner who was abusive to the point where I moved out when I was 17. My dad was there in support only, but I would have appreciated it if he had done more given my age and what was happening although he had his own traumas looking back.

I’ve had a fair number of relationships over the years which don’t seem to last, and I only learnt about attachment theory last month. Since then I’ve been looking back at my relationships and trying to work out what my own attachment pattern actually is.

First relationship

The first was a girl that I had a relationship with when I was 11 and 14 for a few months, and finally again at 17 for almost a year. It was almost always her that initiated the relationships.

We had very good chemistry and every time, after a few months, she would suddenly go cold until the breakup. Her dad wasn’t present in her life when she was young and there were some other family issues that she told me about but I didn't fully grasp at the time.

I did like her a lot due to our chemistry, mutual values and similar childhood experiences, so I feel like I was more on the anxious side with her because she was someone I genuinely liked and had good compatibility with. Whenever she became distant I became more anxious.

Relationships where I wasn’t that interested

There were a few others over the years that were soso relationships or situationships, but notably I dated two girls that I wasn’t exactly fully interested in. I liked them, but I knew from the start that I would never marry them or see them as long-term partners - I am very selective, and it was over things such as their height, physical appearance, friend groups, ethnicity, intelligence that I was extremely picky about. Chemistry was there but compatibility was not.

The start would be intense and whatnot, but over time my interest would wane. I would stop actively going to see them and it was always them initiating, dismiss their concerns or questions about the future, and essentially keep them around for access even though I knew I didn’t see a future with them.

Looking back years later, I don’t think this was attachment deactivation. I think I just wasn’t that interested in them in the first place and liked the idea of them / liked having access to them. This was probably closer to narcissistic or selfish behaviour from my side rather than an FA deactivation, because the attachment wasn’t particularly strong to begin with.

Long-distance relationship

I then had a long-term relationship of around 1.5 years with another girl that I had previously been friends with. It became an LDR because she went overseas for college. When COVID came I couldn’t visit her anymore, and we broke up a few months after flights were suspended.

Every time we met in person it was very intense, although when we were apart we stayed in touch by FaceTiming basically every day, or close to it, usually for an hour or two.

I remember there were a few times where she said things that I took as critical of me and I shut down quite hard and became upset at her. For example, she asked me to exercise more and wanted to “track” my exercise. She would get moody if I didn’t go, which made me extremely uncomfortable.

Another time I bought her a luxury branded necklace and mailed it to her, and she was critical that I bought it from my local store and posted it instead of just buying it online from the store in her country. My reaction was basically, “I’m already getting you a gift, why are you making me feel bad?”

I think she was struggling at the time due to COVID as well. She was mostly brought up in what seemed like a good household, although her father was absent quite a lot due to doing business in another country despite them otherwise having a good relationship.

That relationship was mostly good and I did like her and see a future with her. At the time I thought I was secure in that relationship, although looking back I noticed that I would start distancing or avoiding whenever she said something that I took as criticism or negative.

I’ve also wondered whether the physical distance was part of why we maintained it for so long, because we were emotionally very connected but still had a lot of physical space from each other.

Current / recurring relationship

The relationship that has really made me think about all of this is with the girl I’m currently involved with.

I originally started off seeing her casually and I was actually distant / avoidant towards her at the beginning because I didn't want to think that I was too interested in her. I would tell her that I would only want to see her because I didn't want a relationship due to being busy with work. For example, I wouldn’t hold her hand or really take her out in public for the first few months. At the time I don’t think I was particularly attached yet and was treating it as something casual. During this time, I was more avoidant (and lacking any emotional connection to her) and she was always the one asking to see me, asking if we were still seeing each other, or if I blocked her as one time her messages weren't coming through.

After we had been seeing each other for a few months, though, we realised we were very attracted to each other. After around three months we bonded really well, to the point where we were messaging each other constantly and seeing each other basically every day. She eventually moved in with me and everything became very intense and great.

Then one day something shifted. I unintentionally did something that triggered one of her past traumas and she suddenly started distancing herself from me almost immediately. She asked to break up shortly afterwards (within about 10 days of the trigger) and told me she was going to move back home. She was also getting busy with school around this time as well for context.

Because I genuinely liked her by then, I became anxious. I asked her to reconsider the breakup and she moved back to her own place in the meantime. We kept in contact, texting daily, but she was very cold. Looking back, I think keeping in contact and continuing to try to resolve things probably pushed her further away.

Things eventually ended shortly afterwards and not in a good way. When she started pulling away, I was very anxious rather than avoidant.

Reconnecting a year later

I reached out to her around a year later and we started talking as if nothing had happened. She was super happy and messaged me daily and was affectionate and told me about her life updates. We mutually apologised for how the relationship ended as it was quite bad on both sides.

After texting for about a month we met up and went on a short trip together. I think she was suspicious about why I wanted to go on a trip with her. To be honest, she asked me why I invited her and I never answered directly, brushing off the questions, but in reality I just wanted to become close to her again but I was not willing to say so at the time. During the trip she noticed some clothes in my bag that suggested that I had a child, and she asked me if I had a child that I didn't tell her about - which I didn't - and she ended things after the trip. I was extremely confused because it was almost like a black and white change. She went from being very enthusiastic and messaging me every day to suddenly being extremely cold.

She reaches out two years later

Then two years later she reached out to me herself asking to date again.

We went on a date and the chemistry was amazing from day 1. We were both still very physically attracted to each other and went on many more dates to rekindle things. She told me about her life in between these two years and that she didn't trust me during that brief time we rekindled in between which is why she ended things back then. Eventually we made things official.

She and I both told our friends about each other and talked about the future, and it seemed like she wanted to be serious with me.

One thing I noticed this time around was that she would pull back if I accidentally said something that might have made her upset, but she would now be very clear in requesting space. That was something I noticed was different from the first time we dated. During some minor arguments she would explicitly say she needed space, I would leave her alone, and then we would come back later.

I think she may have done some work since the first time I dated her, even though we’ve never talked about attachment theory.

Recent conflict

Recently she had an extremely busy period with work and school. There were periods where she was barely sleeping and sometimes seemingly not sleeping properly for days. Because of this we were also spending much less time together.

I started an argument with her about us not spending enough time together after a date we had. She apologised and said she would try and work on it. Looking back, I should have left it there, but because I was already anxious I kept pressing the issue the next day. That was my fault.

The conversation eventually got to the point where she thought I was trying to break up with her, which wasn’t what I wanted at all. She said I had made her feel extremely uncomfortable and that she would reach out to me when she feels better. From that day, she stopped replying to my messages normally. I checked in with her a few days later and got no reply.

A few days later I spiralled and sent another few messages. Eventually I explicitly asked her whether she wanted to break up or whether she just needed some time. She replied that she needed space and we've been in no contact since.

After the pullback I also started getting targeted with attachment theory ads on Meta lol, which is what got me reading about all of this.

The part that makes me question whether I’m FA

The part that confuses me about my own attachment style is that I’ve rarely experienced what I would describe as a major deactivation towards a romantic partner.

The exception would maybe be the girlfriend who criticised me, where I noticed I would distance quite strongly after criticism but it'd be short and only for a few hours or days at most. But I have had something that sounds much more like deactivation with my parents.

For a period of time I used to go driving practice with my dad basically every day for hours. We would drive around, practise, and then go eat together. We did this daily for many months consecutively.

Then one day something triggered me. It brought up childhood memories around what he “didn’t do” for me when I was young, and after that I basically got the “ick” towards him. It was almost like the way I saw him changed.

He would ask me if I had eaten because we used to eat together daily, and I would just ignore him. He would try to make conversation and I would say negative things like “you’ve said the same thing a hundred times.” I became critical of almost every small thing he did: his cooking, things he said, random habits, basically whatever came to mind.

I went from spending hours with him every day to being irritated by almost everything he did. I would do the cooking myself and everything away from him.

Another example was when I injured myself very badly. I was bleeding profusely and ended up needing surgery. My dad offered to drive me to the hospital, but instead I refused and drove myself there, had surgery and then drove myself back.

Looking back, that seems much more like avoidant deactivation than anything I’ve experienced romantically. I basically preferred dealing with a serious injury completely by myself rather than accepting help from him.

My mom

For my mom, the reaction is even stronger.

Almost everything she says or does triggers me from her lack of emotional maturity and because of our history. I would often just walk out of her house when she started doing something that triggered me. If she came to my house and crossed a boundary, I would tell her to get out.

I've told her about some of the issues, for example that I don't want to deal with my brother because he was physically threatening when I was younger or about the health issues of her partner. Essentially my parents would fight when I was young and my brother would physically threaten me to have them stop fighting and when she asks why I don't want to talk to my brother, I would bring this up, and she would say that she doesn't remember any of it happening. I told her I don't want to hear about her partner and she would continue giving updates, such as texts about which hospital and ward he would be in whenever he was sick. When I caught COVID, she had my brother deliver food items to me for instance and I didn't want him knowing where I live due to the physical threats in my youth. She would send texts saying that she needs a laptop and asked me if I have any for her, and if I do to give it to my brother, and if I didn't, she'll find someone else to ask (thought of this to be a strange way to ask).

I also noticed that when I was younger I was quite judgemental and critical of other people, and I think I picked up a lot of that behaviour from her. It’s something I became more aware of as I got older and have tried to change. For these reasons, I stopped speaking to my mom. I don’t reply to her texts anymore and generally try to keep my distance.

I’ve also noticed that she and all of her sisters are divorced and all seem to have problems of their own. From what I know, my mom doesn’t have many friends either.

Outside of relationships I’m generally pretty functional. I did well schoolwise. Careerwise I am also doing well and I generally look after myself through exercise, eating and self-care. I started working from the age of 15 and have always been used to doing things myself.

Questions

1. I’ve experienced a deactivation towards my parents before, but rarely with romantic partners apart from maybe the girlfriend who criticised me.

The girls I wasn’t interested in from the beginning, I don’t think I really deactivated on. I think the attachment simply wasn’t strong to begin with.

When I genuinely like someone and they start distancing themselves from me, I seem to become much more anxious. I want reassurance, I want to fix it, and I have a tendency to pursue when I feel like I’m losing the person.

Would you consider this kind of pattern characteristic of FA? Can someone be much more anxious with romantic partners but strongly avoidant / deactivated with parents?

2. Whilst I don’t think I’ve had a major deactivation in a romantic relationship, I’m worried about having one in the future.

I know how extreme the change with my dad felt. One day we were spending hours together every day and then something triggered me and suddenly almost everything about him irritated me.

I worry that one day I could be in a serious long term relationship or married and something triggers me and I suddenly feel the same way towards my partner. Is this something I should actually be worried about?

3. For those of you who have healed and done the work, what interventions would you recommend?

I’ve already read books such as Secure Love and Attached, and watched Thais Gibson and similar attachment content.

The theory makes sense to me, but I imagine understanding it intellectually and actually changing how you react are two very different things.

What actually helped you? Therapy? EMDR? IFS? Somatic work? Journaling? Learning to tolerate conflict? Working on sensitivity to criticism? Working through resentment towards your parents?

Is therapy the best way to go or can a meaningful amount of this be self-done? Any books, exercises or other resources would be appreciated.

4. For my partner, we’re taking some time apart right now.

I think she’s done some work since the first time I dated her because this time I noticed that during minor arguments she would actively tell me she needed space and we would come back later. Previously she would just become distant.

Right now she has asked for space after already having a massive workload, barely sleeping, and then becoming more overwhelmed after I started the argument and continued pressing the issue after she had already apologised.

For people who are FA and experience this kind of pullback, what actually helps when you’re in that state? Does being left alone generally reduce the intensity or length of it? What helps you come back out of it?

And longer term, what helps reduce how often these deactivations happen or how severe they become?

I also know that my side of the cycle is something I need to work on. When she pulled away, I became anxious and wanted reassurance immediately, which probably made her feel even more overwhelmed.

5. What does “healed” actually look like?

Do you eventually stop deactivating, or do you still sometimes get the initial reaction but recognise what’s happening and manage it differently?

For example, do you still suddenly feel like “I don’t want this person around me,” “everything they’re doing is annoying me,” or “I want to leave,” but recognise that you’re triggered and don’t make major relationship decisions until you’ve calmed down?

Is becoming secure basically that the triggers become less intense and stop controlling your behaviour, or do the reactions themselves eventually mostly disappear?

Thanks so much if you’ve read this far. I know it’s long, but I wanted to include the relationship history because I’m trying to cut these patterns and become more self aware.