u/RunoTaisho

So, I (25F) think I have a disorganized attachment, because while I don't... Make disasters and protest a lot, I crave to see my SO and when I see him I get anxious out of nowhere/start dissociating when the future comes up or I have to be vulnerable. I also overthinking of we're gonna make it and I'm good enough (trauma around being called too much, even now. And Rocd, and autism and anxiety+depression diagnosis although I'm stabilized by meds now and the ocd and anxiety are linked to also overwhelm and seizures)

I usually (almost always) don't ask for help..I don't even quite know what I could ask others to help me with (that's my therapy's homework tbh).

And it seems that my SO has anxious attachment but he looks secure at first glance. He is kinda in between, the closer people are to him, the more pressure, the more anxious attachment he seems to be.

We're also Neurodivergent people. Hi has (undiagnosed but at the same time pretty obvious ADHD since childhood. So self diagnosed) and I have autism (what would have been classified as Asperger).

I wonder...is this..workable? I see many people say that disorganized attachment will mess up more other attachment styles that aren't secure.

So, I (25F) think I have a disorganized attachment, because while I don't... Make disasters and protest a lot, I crave to see my SO and when I see him I get anxious out of nowhere/start dissociating when the future comes up or I have to be vulnerable. I also overthinking of we're gonna make it and I'm good enough (trauma around being called too much, even now. And Rocd, and autism and anxiety+depression diagnosis although I'm stabilized by meds now and the ocd and anxiety are linked to also overwhelm and seizures)

I usually (almost always) don't ask for help..I don't even quite know what I could ask others to help me with (that's my therapy's homework tbh).

And it seems that my SO has anxious attachment but he looks secure at first glance. He is kinda in between, the closer people are to him, the more pressure, the more anxious attachment he seems to be.

We're also Neurodivergent people. Hi has (undiagnosed but at the same time pretty obvious ADHD since childhood. So self diagnosed) and I have autism (what would have been classified as Asperger).

I wonder...is this..workable? I see many people say that disorganized attachment will mess up more other attachment styles that aren't secure.

I pick my tarot cards by shuffling and when I feel the deck doesn't want to be shuffled anymore (it becomes compacted) I ask for the answer by letting the deck part naturally and then, if there's more than one partition, see which card shines the most (calls to me).

When there's way too many, though, it feels like the deck is showing me I didn't shuffle enough/my mind was scattered why I was shuffling.

I started doing this after noticing that spreading all the cards and picking them by checking every single one of them often lead me to reinforce my need for control/fear of doing the wrong thing. It was messing with my mental health.

What's your take? And how do you do it?

**I just asked my deck: please tell me anything you want about my relationship with bf, good, bad, anxiety, anything. Just Tell me about my relationship with him. Anything that I need to know/keep in mind.**

**Six of swords Three of wands Ace of cups**

My inner voice1 screamed BREAK UP but the other inner voice was "moving towards calm waters together". Then I pulled the other two cards of the spread and every one of them pointed towards: growing together and moving away from turbulence.

When I noticed every card pointing to going to new waters (six of swords is in a river, three of wands is boats sailing and ace of cups is literally the suit of cups) I got it was about emotional transition and peace/growth.

First the six of swords was really clear, but of course fear told me (break up???) and while all the others could be seen that way too, they all reinforced the "going towards something better, together"

**I calmed my fear down and asked: how could i harvest it? The effort and this growth?. Ten of cups clarified by page of wands**

By bringing joy and a sense of safety into the relationship. We're already trying to figure things out and grow in communication, so bring back joy and actually LIVE the connection you are both trying to make better.

**So, basically, TLDR: "your relationship is going towards something better, but to harvest that energy you need to also live the connection (not only focus on repairing and improving it) and feel the joy in it"**

I just asked my deck: please tell me anything you want about my relationship with bf, good, bad, anxiety, anything. Just Tell me about my relationship with him. Anything that I need to know/keep in mind.

Six of swords Three of wands Ace of cups

My inner voice1 screamed BREAK UP but the other inner voice was "moving towards calm waters together". Then I pulled the other two cards of the spread and every one of them pointed towards: growing together and moving away from turbulence.

When I noticed every card pointing to going to new waters (six of swords is in a river, three of wands is boats sailing and ace of cups is literally the suit of cups) I got it was about emotional transition and peace/growth.

First the six of swords was really clear, but of course fear told me (break up???) and while all the others could be seen that way too, they all reinforced the "going towards something better, together"

I calmed my fear down and asked: how could i harvest it? The effort and this growth?. Ten of cups clarified by page of wands

By bringing joy and a sense of safety into the relationship. We're already trying to figure things out and grow in communication, so bring back joy and actually LIVE the connection you are both trying to make better.

So, basically, TLDR: "your relationship is going towards something better, but to harvest that energy you need to also live the connection (not only focus on repairing and improving it) and feel the joy in it"

I need someone's help:

do i still love my bf? 10 swords clarified by four of cups

this should be, in yes/no a clear "no" or "pain and checked out/going inwards/not taking what's being offered" right? yet when i ask what i feel for him (with his name in the question and not the title of boyfriend), i pulled: first four of pentacles, then page of cups and finally two of cups

there is fear there too, but also connection and hope/love.

any idea of how this contradiction happens?

It's not the first time this happens, either. If I ask about him by BF I get ten of wands or seven of cups, but if I ask about HIM, I get queen of cups and five of wands as a reason of both type of answers existing at the same time. I also have been told by my therapist to find my own definition of "love".

autistic and aroace spectrum here. Also we're going through a rough patch, because of communication styles

Edit: I usually don't do yes/no readings.

I need someone's help:

do i still love my bf? 10 swords clarified by four of cups

this should be, in yes/no a clear "no" or "pain and checked out/going inwards/not taking what's being offered" right? yet when i ask what i feel for him (with his name in the question and not the title of boyfriend), i pulled: first four of pentacles, then page of cups and finally two of cups

there is fear there too, but also connection and hope/love.

any idea of how this contradiction happens?

It's not the first time this happens, either. If I ask about him by BF I get ten of wands or seven of cups, but if I ask about HIM, I get queen of cups and five of wands as a reason of both type of answers existing at the same time. I also have been told by my therapist to find my own definition of "love".

autistic and aroace spectrum here. Also we're going through a rough patch, because of communication styles

Edit: I usually don't do yes/no readings.

I personally don't do that. To me and my language I developed with my deck, I found out that pentacles are more related to security, safety and daily actions. Grounding/earthly needs, skills, basic needs, work and effort, safety, security, scarcity (even emotional), waiting, give-take, and a ground to stand on.

The Court cards are stages of it, too.

The Kings are the Emperor's energy of that suit: control, mastery, constriction, manipulation or leadership.

The Queens are the Empress energy of that suit: Giving to others or affected by others.

But I wanna know, do you read pentacles as Wealth or do you avoid it?

Edit: Oh, based on the replies, I guess I've been reading it as Wealth. I just didn't think of earth energy as Wealth. I'm not a native English speaker so to me wealth was just about money. So yeah, I don't read pentacles like money, but I also read for myself and it's introspection type of questions, so maybe that's affecting my POV too.

Edit 2 (pasting a comment I made): Well I read to myself, I don't do future readings and I'm, like most of the people Ive done readings (friends), broke because we are all students. I prefer guidance readings and none of them have asked me about jobs or wealth either. Most of the questions are how to calm down or what they could be doing better.

​

Made a spread asking if I love my boyfriend. I KNOW I shouldn't because it feels my anxiety. But... Kinda needed it too.

Ten of wands clarified by five of wands

Page of pentacles clarified by the empress

Six of wands clarified by nine if swords

I read it as:

Tiredness is the inner turmoil that questions makes me go through

Learning about love, nurturing and abundance

Anxiety shadowing the emotional victory and recognition I feel for the relationship

I have autism, so basically I have white/black thinking and alexithymia, plus obsessive thinking and a bad time with uncertainty. I'm saying this because **ocd is a comorbidity** of autism and the reason why I am not diagnosed with ROCD specifically but show OCD behavior in some areas.

I...don't really know something about this. I know and already went to the therapist with the "Obsessive behavior and intrusive thoughts" diagnosis, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I have TWO fixed questions "Do I love him?" And "Have I stopped loving him?". At times, if triggered or few and rarely randomly, I have the "He reminders me/look like my dad. Should I break up? And I a disgusting person?" (Even tho I know he and I can look a bit alike, so obviously he looks like my dad too because I look like both of my parents a LOT).

The question about attraction, compatibility and others have been coming less and less, but the fixation of those two and trying to figure them out increased too. Although at times, if triggered, like me feeling hurt and therefore finding him less cute than the usual can trigger "am I losing feelings?" Or... anything, like being angry or annoyed at him can trigger the third more comment question : am I losing feelings for him?

Has anyone gone or is going through the same?

Is it normal to have fixed questions or is it weird? Is it still ROCD if the questions are fixed and not many versions of the same?

Edit: will we break up? Or what if I give him X gift and we break up? Are also common but it's more when I think of the implications or planning something (like his birthday gift or a date or a gift for him because I'm an artist so yes, I pour my soul in gift giving lmao)

I have autism, so basically I have white/black thinking and alexithymia, plus obsessive thinking and a bad time with uncertainty. I'm saying this because ocd is a comorbidity of autism and the reason why I am not diagnosed with ROCD specifically but show OCD behavior in some areas.

I...don't really know something about this. I know and already went to the therapist with the "Obsessive behavior and intrusive thoughts" diagnosis, but when it comes to my boyfriend, I have TWO fixed questions "Do I love him?" And "Have I stopped loving him?". At times, if triggered or few and rarely randomly, I have the "He reminders me/look like my dad. Should I break up? And I a disgusting person?" (Even tho I know he and I can look a bit alike, so obviously he looks like my dad too because I look like both of my parents a LOT).

The question about attraction, compatibility and others have been coming less and less, but the fixation of those two and trying to figure them out increased too. Although at times, if triggered, like me feeling hurt and therefore finding him less cute than the usual can trigger "am I losing feelings?" Or... anything, like being angry or annoyed at him can trigger the third more comment question : am I losing feelings for him?

Has anyone gone or is going through the same?

Is it normal to have fixed questions or is it weird? Is it still ROCD if the questions are fixed and not many versions of the same?

Edit: will we break up? Or what if I give him X gift and we break up? Are also common but it's more when I think of the implications or planning something (like his birthday gift or a date or a gift for him because I'm an artist so yes, I pour my soul in gift giving lmao)

I accidentally pressed something and it tinted my screen. Fun+v shows me FPS not the tints:c

It's a ROG strix

Hi. I was recently diagnosed (less than 1 year ago). 25, AFAB (would say cis but I really don't get gender most of the time) and Mexican.

I constantly doubt what I feel for him, if I love him, if ik only attached or something else.

I am, most of the time, unable to say "I love you" or "Me too" because I genuinely don't know if I do. The times I have said it it's because it just...goes out, like a burp.

I discovered that I had alexithymia one or two weeks before I was given my results. And my doctor is autistic too (after I got my diagnosis done for a professional, he told me he was self diagnosed). He comforted me saying that he still feels that way at times with his wife and kids, but learned to see he loved them by the patterns he does for them.

I know I care for my bf. I know he matters. But when it comes to "love" I just can't figure it out. My family isn't exactly healthy or accepting either, so trauma may be in the mix.

But I feel so guilty. I know I loved him as a friend. I don't have any problems with Love (querer/amar in Spanish, that's the reason me being Mexican is important) with friends, but with family and my bf it is.

... He says it's okay and I don't need to have certainty, but I know it's unfair for him. At times he says it's hard because while he gets it and knows it's harder for me than anyone else, being the only one with hope and certainty about how he feels hurts him. And it hurts me to be unfair to him.

It also scares me that, after I feel with therapy (just found my therapist! It's someone different from who diagnosed me and I changed therapists for a good reason), I might find myself not loving him and I was just with him because of my trauma and attachment wounds.

I got a tarot reading and it said I indeed love him but confusion is affecting my heart and I'm in a difficult moment in life (which is true), but at some point in the future i will figure it out. Still, I keep checking my feelings for him all the time.

I think I might have ROCD but I haven't been diagnosed. The white black thinking both said by my doctor and my diagnosis seems to be related to this, too.

Edit: I wrote "Sad" in the title, but "Guilty" is more spot on. Still, tried to translate it for the ones that don't have this issue.

Edit 2: We've been dating for 2 years. And we've been friends since 5-6 years now (2 of them dating). I also have a hard time in the moment because family drama and my brain seems to forget who I felt for him/my art when more than a week goes by. Like my inner world sucks me in and if I'm not okay, I fear I have always felt like this.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I asked what I feel for my boyfriend. This was because of two traumatic and deeply painful incidents happened with my parents and with myself and since then I've been confused and doubting how I feel (in general but the relationship is a really great focus) and even my art (I'm an artist) has been affected. I cant create. Its been a week adn two weeks from each incident.

• Past king of cups
• Present The moon
• Influences: seven of swords
• Action: page of swords
• Consequences of not taking action: Knight of pentacles

I read it as that I had control (even black and white thinking of what love is) over what I felt for him. But currently I'm confused because I'm trying to protect myself from pain. I need to keep my mind sharp as to not take this confusion for everything that I feel for him and that even if I don't take action I will slowly get away from this confusion (OR get stuck in it, im not sure if its the shadow side of the knight of pentacles).

IDK is this helps but i also have a disorganized attachment out of my upbringing (yup, that kind of family dynamics is playing here) and i feel like i was finally understanding what love, accepting someone and acceptiong love is and then this happened and im back to square one.

IMPORTANT: I DONT USE REVERSED CARDS

I asked what I feel for my boyfriend. This was because of two traumatic and deeply painful incidents happened with my parents and with myself and since then I've been confused and doubting how I feel and even my art (I'm an artist) has been affected. I cant create. Its been a week and two weeks from each incident.

IMPORTANT: I DONT USE REVERSED CARDS

• Past king of cups
• Present The moon
• Influences: seven of swords
• Action: page of swords
• Consequences of not taking action: Knight of pentacles

I read it as that I had control (even black and white thinking of what love is) over what I felt for him. But currently I'm confused because I'm trying to protect myself from pain. I need to keep my mind sharp as in not taking this confusion for everything that I feel for him and that even if I don't take action I will slowly get away from this confusion (OR get stuck in it, im not sure if its the shadow side of the knight of pentacles).

can de seven of swords be related to not being honest to myself about love/ how i feel for him out of the falling from grace of my parents and seeing that they are a key piece of how love traumatized me? I a, going to therapy and this is a topic (what happened) i will talk with my therapist but yeah. Before this incident I was FINALLY starting to accept and understand what actual love is but now im back to square one.