u/Winter-History4525

Hi guys! I just wanted to share my part and hopefully it can resonate. Ive struggled with AA since I started dating in my twenties. It’s the reason my 4 yr first serious relationship fell apart. It was intense, insecure, and toxic because of me (and the dynamic). Ive been single for about a year afterward and gained a sense of awareness and healed my AA. I felt like a new person. Eventually, I got into my current LDR of nearly 2 years. We were already good friends for years, but miles apart. Nonetheless, it was and still is the best relationship I’ve had. It felt like natural romantic chemistry. For the first year I was secure and it helped that he is too. I took what I learned and we were very trusting and healthy, it truly felt like cloud 9. It was an incredibly healthy relationship that I’ve never experienced before.
About 3 months ago, there was an event that really triggered me. It was unexpected that I spiraled after not spiraling for a long time. I was aware but didn’t stop it, it was intense. I ended up doing something impulsive I regret til this day because of said trigger. Since then, I’ve become depressed and sucked back into my anxious attachment style. I have been put on antidepressants for the first time as well. This pretty much sums up my past 3 months. Recently, I’ve held resentment over things, said things I can’t take back due to triggers, and have had inner conflicts and spirals. Not fun. I told myself I’d never want him to experience these toxic habits I thought I’ve buried, because he is truly the love of my life. They’ll show up in constantly bringing up the same issues, needing extra reassurance etc. Then, I tried to end the relationship bc of the embarrassment I felt, and feeling of ruining the relationship. We have a very deep, genuine love for eachother and I’m lucky to have him want to stay together for the long run. Not to mention, unusual circumstances of LD can have unusual feelings or adjustments. I’m trying to kinder and more forgiving of myself. Obviously, this is just a glimpse into an entire long-term relationship which doesn’t include contexts, history, and dynamics. But I can very well say that we have the same patience for eachother in different ways.
Today I became a little more aware of my relapse and it was a bit easier to get started/ back into the healing routine I’ve done before. With podcasts, and journaling throughout the day. Just starting building a relationship with myself again and I already feel so much lighter. Today felt like a big step. :) I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I hope you find it in yourselves to become the best versions of yourselves ✨

My bf (24m) and I (24f) have been in a LDR for 1.5 years, we’ve known eachother for years before though. I’m in school and working both full time. I just got an apartment with my best friend as a roommate. 1. My bf and I were supposed to move this month and it was highly anticipated. I come to find out he was pulling me along although he knew he couldn’t make it happen. I had to pull it out of him to tell me. He was at the same job for a while, didn’t have a functioning truck bc of a DUI when we first met. So I moved on with my living situation but resented him for seemingly having me plan my life around what wouldn’t have happened. 2. Each time I questioned or encouraged him to get a move along in a new job or making this happen, he got defensive and we’ve had many arguments. Again, stringing me along or maybe he was too comfortable. I gave it the benefit of the doubt since it was winter. Recently, he told me he would fight with me bc he knew I was right this whole time. 3. I bring this point up bc I’ve dealt with so much arguing just for me to be right? I asked him not to make it a big deal but he was drunk and made it a huge deal. Eventually, he couldn’t remember the phone call or how he treated me. He just apologized and it moved on quickly. Things felt dead to me after that. Like, it was the last straw. 4. While things are still rocky on my end, he went on a boys trip and warned me his phone was dying in the evening. I didn’t hear from him until 15 hours later. This really bothered me and I was overthinking all night. The night before, he at least told me he got to the room and that’s all I really needed. But, nothing. He was drunk and called (a week later, aka now) saying his dad thought the trip would end in infidelity. Hes giving more of his story as the days go but it’s a little patchy. I’m trying to fill the gaps. Nothing proving one thing or the other. he’s been super affectionate too… maybe I’m overthinking this due to our situation? I’ve just been feeling unsettled and resentful. scheduled a therapy appt recently. I guess things just built up for me but I can’t seem to leave. I don’t know. This feels like a very voluntary f’ed up situation. I love the guy and how he makes me feel but I feel like I can’t bring up any concerns without him getting defensive. I feel dismissed and a bit checked out