u/ExistingCurrent9748

I really dont know how to cope with this situation. My therapist has been ill for weeks and my friends dont really get how bad I feel.
I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years with a six month break inbetween in a relationship. I am really not the fan of writing personal stuff on the internet but I am really really hopeless and I dont know how to cope and I am scared of losing myself.

If she is reading this I am in crisis and losing myself so just trying to stay alive with this comment.

We are in our twenties and have been through a lot. We both have our trauma we struggle with. I know our relationship wasnt the best but I actually thought we are improving. Talked how we could improve lots of things. I know at this moment you wont call it cheating. You kissed a guy you told me not to worry about. Why havent you told me or text me you guys kissed? Or even just told me beforehand you may like him?
I am broken with trust issues and scared I cannot trust. I cant sleep, I am scared to feel asleep, I cant eat, I am crying and thinking about hurting myself or death because its too much. I am not angry at you I just feel misleed and broken. You told me you still are here for me and want me in your life but why are you acting completly different? What is it about him that you decided to lose me? A guy you didnt even know for a week?

Again sorry I am just so broken and scared about me that I need to say this. I cant text you because you are not reacting to my calls or even just feeling cared about.

My now ex girlfriend and me we known each other for about 4 years inbetween we were Brocken up for around 6 months because we had some issues (don't want to go too deep into that. I at least thought everything is going better and our communications is a lot better. I struggled a lot with intimacy and trying to do New stuff. We did improve tho! I wouldnt have seen coming that she wouldnt talk to me if she has feelings for someone else. She cheated on me with someone while I was worrying sick if she is okay. Got told he is like a little brother and now she wont explain it to ne why. She broke up with me. Anyway I am not writing to give all the blame to her to get pitty or anything like that. Its just that I I dont know how to continue with life. I am chronically ill and have some mental ilness issues for my whole life. I am 21 yrs old and lost my whole family very early on as a kid and trying to manage my life on my own since I am about 13 and lived on my own since 2022. I am in therapy and have 2 good friends but none around where I live. I moved into the area for my girlfriend before we split for the first time. I am extremly down and dont have any happienes anymore and want to do Kind of plan a goodbye? My ex kind oft wants to be friends but her actions don't match. Wirst thing is that she decided in our relationship she wants to expierence this New thing and now basically shutting me out oft her life and still wants me in her life but hurting me even more with not explaining why she just left me for someone she doesnt even knew a Week beforehand.

That may be a really theoritical question but I am really wondering.
My story specifically:
Known my girlfriend for 4 years now have been with her through several milestones and surgeries and didn`t realise she was gonna cheat on me and is going in a relationship with him. He doesnt know about me.... Dont want to say to many personal things here but we are both in our 20is. She wants to be friends but she doesnt act like it. It hurts like hell when the person you love the most tells you to dont worry about someone and this someone is the person she will cheat with me. Idk why I am even writing this to be honest. Just want to get it of my mind I guess.