AITAH for refusing to leave my PhD program for 3 weeks to watch my wife because my mother-in-law might have visa issues?
My wife and I are both international students in the US. I am doing my PhD in California, and she is doing her Bachelor's in Boston.
Two years ago, during my first year, my wife suffered a terrible medical emergency. She went into a coma and unfortunately developed epilepsy. It was a traumatic experience for both of us. We both ended up taking medical leaves from our respective universities, and I went back to our home country to be with her and help her recover. We ended up getting married during this time.
Because her mom is a single mother and was absolutely terrified about the seizures returning, we agreed to live with her. My wife is now 1.5 years seizure-free, but her mom has become incredibly controlling over the situation.
Now, my wife is returning to her university in Boston for the upcoming academic year. She requested a special accommodation so her mom can live in her dorm with her to keep her under constant watch for the next two years while she finishes her degree, as she is still on medication.
Here is the issue: Her mom recently told me that I need to figure out a way to come stay with my wife in Boston for 2-3 weeks during the semester because she (the mom) might have to leave the country per immigration rules. I would have said yes, but it looks like it may be an ongoing thing, and I may have to take these departures more often (2-3 week travels to Boston each term). I suggested alternative options, like having trusted friends stay with my wife, but her mom flat-out refuses because she "doesn't trust them."
I told them that I cannot do this. My PhD program has a very strict attendance policy with only 10 approved leave days. As a funded graduate student, I have a salary, research, and responsibilities that require me to be on campus.
My mother-in-law is now framing this as a choice - that I don't want to do it, not that I can't. She even implied that I am betraying my wife this way. She thinks that if I just explain the medical history to my department, they will easily let me leave for 3 weeks. While they might allow a sudden, severe emergency leave, pre-planning a massive cross-country absence will jeopardize my academic standing, my funding, and consequently, my own visa status. It is completely unsustainable because it won't be a one time thing.
I feel terrible because my wife has been through a massive trauma, and I want her to feel safe. But I also feel like they are completely ignoring the reality of my program's rigid requirements and treating my career like it's expendable.
She doesn't want MIL to come with her, but she has no choice, as MIL posed it as "either I come and live with you and make sure you are ok, or you are not going back to the US". I am sure she would be comfortable with friends staying over, instead of her mom. I wish this was only between me and my wife, but MIL is the one paying for tuition, so she decides whether she is going back and completing her studies, or getting into a local school here.
AITA for refusing to jeopardize my PhD standing and asking to find alternatives?
P.S. Me and my wife decided to move out and live separately (that we would still come and help her around the house). We told her about it just now and it went as bad as it can go. I am speechless. Her mother was accusing me of causing her emotional distress, and how I don't think about her future. According to her she is the only person who can take care of her because she is the only person who has been there when it happened. Then she tried to leave the house saying she can't stay alone because she can die during sleep, and we don't care about it. While she was doing this, she said I manipulated her daughter into wanting to leave. She said I am making my wife choose between her and myself. What the actual fuck? She is causing this scene and making my wife choose between us. My wife naturally started crying and told me to go upstairs. I feel horrible...