I am too far gone, and I want to come back.
I think I've hit rock bottom at 21, but again, there were so many times that I thought that this is the lowest I will ever go, only to be proven wrong every time.
I am bordering on obesity after being skinny for most of my teenage years, and I am gaining weight so fast that clothes I bought 3 to 4 months ago don't even fit anymore. I spend most of my days on social media and video games, but lately it was just social media, I jerk off 3 to 5 times a day, it's so bad that I am starting to that porn is harming my mind and changing the way I think about sex, women and the world. I am afraid to talk to girls, and to a lesser extent people in general, I managed to overcome my fear of talking to strangers though, but still there is an uneasiness or discomfort. I managed to ruin my CGPA even with great first two semesters, I just found out it's basically impossible to graduate with a CGPA above 3.0 no matter how well I do in my remaining semesters.
I feel like I peaked in high school, I wasn't always like this, back then, I was a straight A student, had so many friends, was passionate about stuff, and I felt genuinely happy and hopeful about the future. I feel like I ruined everything great about me, I was good looking and I ruined that by gaining a ton of weight and not taking care of myself, my parents paid for my college tuition and I ruined that by tanking my CGPA. They say that you should count your blessings, I know that I have so many things to be grateful for and that so many people would like to be in my place but that just makes it worse for me considering I ruined everything by my own hands. I keep thinking about all the great and cool stuff someone else would achieve if they were in my place, it doesn't help that is exactly what multiple people actually said to me.
I keep feeling like there was this big memo that I didn't get about adulting. Like how does anybody else do what they do? I feel like I can barely function as a human being. I am behind in literally every part of my life and I feel like I am starting to lose my mind.
Was anybody else this far gone, and if so, how did you come back? Is there like a guide or step by step for this type of stuff?? I keep getting conflicting advice. I don't expect that a reddit comment would fix my life but I am really desperate here and this is just me trying to not give up. I know that there will be responses asking me to go to therapy but I simply can't, trust me, I tried to, but there are simply too many obstacles, I also know there will be some responses telling me not to compare myself to other people, and it's fine, I want to learn that too, also I want to learn how to be content with who I am, whoever that turns out to be, also I want you to know that I want to improve my life for my sake not anybody else's or what anybody else thinks, I truly believe that this is a dark path I am heading, and that it's important for something to change, I want to be a more responsible, caring, healthier and happier person, I basically want to be better.