Having trouble validating my trauma.
Much of my childhood memories are wiped out, but I now know for a fact that I was molested by my father (my mother revealed it to me when I was older......until then I had vague memories of inappropriate behavior, but couldn't define it). During the time she said it happened, I do remember being taken repeatedly to the doctor to treat genital itching and discomfort. Having my mother apply ointment and also being prescribed sitz baths. She told me I'd have nightmares and wake up crying. I remember wetting myself in school, crying excessively and not speaking the whole day (the teachers were concerned).
I have so much ANGER that it wasn't properly addressed. When my mother was telling me the story, she said that I DID in fact tell her and she confronted him....after which it "stopped".
When I asked her why she didn't contact the authorities, she said I was a quiet child and would make her look like a liar if I went mute/froze when questioned.
I accepted her explanation, but it made me feel rotten.
All of those years living under the same roof AFTER the fact. Just swept under the rug. My parents stayed together until he left the family, and I was still left in his care and still loved him, which makes me feel like it shouldn't matter.
I feel CONFUSED and DRAMATIC whenever I dwell on this. That I have no right to be upset because other children were abused more brutally (ex: actual rape vs touching.....and repeated SA vs a few incidents).
I feel sad because no one showed up for me in a meaningful way. If they did, maybe I wouldn't have been revictimized as a teen and adult. My parents were more concerned with appearances than my mental health.
I can't stop thinking about this......it's breaking my heart.