Dropping the old story and Self concept while manifesting my SP
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here after lurking for awhile. Back story: my sp and I abruptly broke up a week ago, it came out of nowhere and i felt so blinded sided. The night before we were still talking normally and then the next day he woke up and started acting cold and after barely talking for a day, he said he doesn’t want it anymore and that he made his mind up without offering any explanation. This made me spiral really badly, I started listening to subliminals day and night to get him back to no avail, tried paragraphs, tried journaling and consumed so much content. At the end it was the same, “ i made my mind up and you cannot change it “.
For the past few days I came to a realization that I manifested that break up and I’m very aware that if I could manifest our break up, I can also manifest us being together again, however I’ve decided finally that even if he’s back it will end up the same way unless I do the internal work and let go of my old self.
I don’t want to get in detail because it would be too long but here’s what i realized. I’ve realized that my relationships always end up the same way because of my self concept. There used to be a small part of me that believed I was the prize and anyone would be lucky to have me, however after a few failed relationships that always end up in a similar way, i’ve noticed that I always have thoughts of not being good enough and not deserving. Not good enough as in for my partner and not good looking enough too and i have an internalized fear that they will realize eventually.
This caused me to have an anxious attachment which manifests in my relationships where i end up being controlling in a way and makes me depend so much on relationships, for example i will constantly feel anxious if they don’t respond for a certain amount of time or go out or even do anything. And i also doubt myself so much with so many what ifs. I have developed low self esteem and low self confidence and deeply rooted in me i dont feel like im worth choosing, chasing, fighting for or i’m not worthy at all.
I played my part in this breakup, honestly i think i fully manifested it from old rooted wounds and from fear, even that i may not be conscious of. I want to let go of that part of me because i feel like as long as I hold on to that, all my relationships will end the same way.
My last relationship ended abruptly but i came to realize that i need to work on myself first before manifest him back or obsess over him. I was very anxious in that relationship and he was “ avoidant “, which now I understand is all a reflection of me. I also have a fear of being replaced and even when we were in a relationship, i would have dreams where he says he doesn’t want me anymore and is with someone new which would leave me very unsettled.
After breaking up these thoughts still keep crawling in and i had another dream about it. I want to feel worthy and chosen and worth fighting for and i want to feel like the prize again. I used to believe that withdrawing myself was the way to get those however he would always immediately pull away too and i would panic and beg. I want to feel like anyone is lucky to be with me, especially him.
I want to change the way i view myself and what i believe i deserve. and i want him to realize that nobody compares to me and he made a mistake. i want him to feel safe to come back. We are currently long distance and planned to move in together in a few months, when people say live in the end and do what you would usually do if you were together, I find it a bit difficult because most of our days would be spent together in a call, playing games or watching movies together. I’ve already stopped checking all his socials, would not log into the game we play together because seeing him online would make me spiral and i’ve muted his messages.
For everyone who went through a similar thing, how did you drop the old story of yourself? How did you truly believe you deserve better? I don’t really know where to start or how to tackle these, so what do you guys suggest?
Currently I listen to rampages about self concept, being chosen, being safe and secure, healing my attachment style and nervous system and such. I do these overnight. However I also want to hear the input of anyone who went through something similar and how they fully dropped their old identity. If you feel like giving me tough love is necessary, please do so. I feel like i’m stuck in a loop and need to break out of it with a “ sudden “ click.
If you made it this far, thank you. All your opinions are welcome.