u/Expensive_Fun_8079

i wish i was needed so badly that if i left they wouldnt know how to function. i want to be a necessary thing to their life. i want to be so mandatory that the single thought of me going away would invoke a fear so strong they'd rather die.

i want to be important. so important that they look into every app on my phone to try and better understand me. every repost, every like. every thing ive ever even scrolled upon should be looked into. if not do they even love me? why wouldnt you put in that much effort? wouldnt you want to know every single little thing about someone youre dating?

its something i feel like will satisfy my urge to be something more. i wont feel complete until i see them threaten to take their own life if i as so much glanced at someone else. its obligatory. i want them to feel this way about me since its what i feel for them. why is it bad to be loved the way i love?

i dont care if its unhealthy. its something i desperately need. i want to be consumed the way i consume. i want them to be so obsessed with me that even i cant take it and am on the brink of suffocation.

sometimes i do feel like i rather be healthy tho. like its okay if i didnt have that and instead engulfed myself into a love that supports healing. but even when i taste some of that it doesnt satisfy my sick appetite to want them to beg and crawl to me like i'm their life source

sometimes i get random urges to hurt myself. its a really weird and disturbing feeling that scares me sometimes. ive never really been suicidal and i dont SH at all but recently as of maybe a month ago i have been thinking about it in disturbing ways.
it kinda all started because i was at work and i looked at a box cutter and for some reason i vividly imagined cutting myself with it and felt an extreme urge to do so. ever since then i have been sometimes getting pings of random scenarios in which i SH.
sometimes the urge feels stronger than others but im good at suppressing it so i havent done anything and genuinely dont think i will. its just a scary feeling that overwhelms me.
i have been planning on going to therapy soon and starting medication again but im worried about telling them about these ideations. i dont want to be locked up...

im writing this because i have nobody to talk to. i have friends, and i have a boyfriend, but nobody really talks to me.
my friends dont talk to me too much. maybe occasionally during a free moment, but other than that not really. my boyfriend and i text throughout the day too but today we havent. and tbh ive been fine and doing my own thing but now its been a couple hours and im just here now. even while doing my own thing i feel like i just do it to pass time.
so maybe im just complaining about things but im lonely regardless. nobody calls, answers the reels i send, or tiktoks, nobody responds to my messages or checks my location.
sometimes i think i could go mia and nobody would even notice. maybe my boyfriend at some point, but not suddenly. and even if he did i dont think he'd do too much about it until it was too late.
i crave something that i can never have. maybe because of this illness ive been cursed with, or maybe because ive just never had it.
i dont know what i want but i know that i want it bad. companionship? a real friend? a true connection? ig i have these things already but it seems im only given it when its convenient.
im fine really, its just a thought in my head that bothers me a lot. but maybe im not actually fine and maybe it bothers me a lot. it reminds me of that scene from chainsaw man when makima watches that movie w denji and she starts to cry watching. thats how i feel.
sometimes when i feel that way i imagine what having more friends would be like. or i imagine what it'd be like to have someone who cares so much like me. someone would would watch the tiktoks i send, pick up when i call, reply to my reels. maybe even check my location when im at taco bell and joking message me "can you bring me a baja blast?"
i feel pathetic fantasizing these things. and maybe youre wondering "why dont you just ask your people for more?" and i have, but i guess its not enough to do. ive mentioned to my boyfriend that i'd wanna call more bc we never do in general, but he doesnt call. he says he hates calling but then posts him otp w his friends. or my friends say they'll check up more but leave me on delivered.
im just not a priority
it makes me sad
i cant talk to anyone about anything because even if i did it they wouldnt know how to respond. thats also why i dont even bother. i think maybe i'd have better chances of talking to a brick wall or by talking into the mirror bc at least then i could pretend im talking to someone else that isnt really me.
and making friends is so hard. i try in school or work or online but sometimes people are so shallow or boring or just uninterested.
idk what im even doing i just want to say words and hope they process into someones mind and then maybe they'd think of me for a least a couple seconds and i'll feel validation and a little happy.
i dont know when this feeling will go away and i dont wanna hear anybody say to work on myself so i can fill in the void. if working on myself was the answer i wouldnt be here. and how is seeking something else to fill the void that bad? dont tell me either bc ik and ive been to therapy and been on meds.
speaking of which i'll be starting my medication again soon and i hope maybe once i start it again i'll feel better a little or maybe not and probably not so i think you'll hear from me again when my house is too quiet and the static in my head is too loud

anytime i feel rejected by my boyfriend i get sad.
i tell myself that its because he did something to hurt my feelings when in actuality this isnt true.
im reminded that i have no friends. when he says no to playing games with me, no to hanging out, it reminds me how theres nobody else around me who'd want to do that. so it just hurts me more when he says no or rejects me. its the same if i feel like hes busy or isnt giving me as much attention.
i wish i had someone else to connect to. every time i feel this way im transported to what i felt like as a child. im reminded of how lonely i was and how i had to do everything on my own.