u/Expensive_Fun_8079

i think many advertise themselves as successful casters but how does one know if they are legit with their services? or how do i know if a spell i have preformed found online is legit?
i am looking for someone who could potentially cast on my partner for me, any recommendations? or if anyone has love spells they have successfully preformed for themselves can share what theyve done?
i dont know how to feel about black magic though, i would say anything else is fine.
specifically, i am looking for something that can rekindle the relationship between me and my partner.

sometimes i feel like there is a dark and sick part of me that urges to come out
im not a violent person, i dont like to be aggressive or angry. if anything i try really hard to be the opposite of those things and i believe my efforts arent if in vain.
just sometimes i feel like there is an urge that tries to break free. an urge that craves abuse and feeds of the negative.
in the past i had given into those feelings and intentionally/unintentionally inflicted harm into others because of it.
since then ive changed my ways and received the help needed to ensure i dont act those ways again, but sometimes it just feels like an itch in the back of my mind.
it feels like its a part of me that i neglect and refuse anyone to see. it makes me question whether or not people actually know the "real me"? is this side of me part of that "real me" and im not allowing anybody to see it?
does that mean nobody really knows me?
does anybody really know me if i dont show them EVERY side of me?
its like feeling something is trying to escape and is wanting to find out

sometimes think "what if i kms?" just to see if my bf would even care.
i imagine that if i died i'd get to prove whether or not people care about me. although then i think that if i did die, i wouldnt see anybodys reactions because who knows what happens after death? so i instead fantasize that im on the verge of death but still alive enough to see if people care. i feel like theres no use though because even if people showed up and were concerned i'd believe theyre lying or "obligated" to care because i almost died
ik my bf would care, but sometimes sick ideas twist in my head. mostly when im frustrated with him for stupid things. like if i see him post with his friends. "why he didnt post me? he must not care enough. he doesnt even love me. if his friends are so important i should j kms, he wouldnt even care bc i dont matter to him at all"

i will very soon start therapy again after several months of not going. i stopped going originally because my last therapist and i no longer had schedules that lined up. this time i will be seeing someone else which idm and i think is better for me as i wasnt 100% open w my last one.
for example, something i didnt mention to my previous therapist was my thoughts about sh/suicide.
hear me out:
a fear of mine has always been the idea that if i did open up about these things, that i would be hospitalized.
i have never been seriously suicidal or have ever seriously considered self harm, but occasionally the thought pops up into my head. i have no genuine problem talking about that with a provider, but i fear that simply telling them i have those thoughts sometimes would cause them to put me in a 51/50.
i have always heard mixed things about this type of stuff, such as: speaking with therapist about it wouldnt cause them to 51/50 you because theres a different between being suicidal/ planning it out vs. just having passive suicidal ideation. on the other hand tho, ive heard that mentioning anything involving sh/suicide causes a provider to 51/50 you.
is it worth mentioning at all? im self aware enough to know i need help and am seeking it, but im never in any danger to myself or others.

its been a long time since i split on my boyfriend but i did last night. it was different than how i would before, i wasnt aggressive or cursing him out in anger but i still upset him.
it started because i was expressing my frustrations about XXX before bed and he kept mentioning how i should just gts instead of be upset about it, nothing extreme happened but in the mist of that conversation he insulted me and called me xxxxx.
it triggered me and after that i felt like my responses were valid and that i had reasons to be upset. i think i really reacted as maturely as i could at first, but it seemed like he was just escalating. because of that i split and scared him with my responses.
my boyfriend ended up saying that because of the way i was reacting, that he fears for his safety around me and therefore wont see me the next day. that practically "sobered" me up. and since then ive been crying non stop and havent done anything at all other than mope around.
i dont understand why he would say that, but it hurts so much. previously in our relationship i'd have more extreme and unhealthy outbursts and id have more reactions to things in general, but i genuinely do not act the same way anymore. i feel like ive done a lot for myself as a person to get better and really dont behave the same way.
him saying that he doesnt feel safe with me during my first split in many months makes me feel like i just have to keep my mental health problems to myself now. like i have to walk on eggshells around him now.
it also just upsets me so much because i thought he was seeing the progress ive been making. it makes me feel like maybe because its been awhile since i split that he believed it wont ever happen again.
i asked him today why he would say that and he just said that apparently i was creeping and weirding him out and that he now "doesnt know what to think" of me.
idk what to do now really. i feel like a pos but im also really confused on why he would say that when i dont think i did anything wrong. i didnt insult him back or say anything mean. i dont get it. all ive done to try and cope is sleep and cry all day. im just so sad
maybe to my boyfriend i will always just be some mentally ill girl who cant control herself no matter what

despite all the things i feel or say or think, i would say that im really good at holding my sadness. i hold it nicely so that it does not topple over and wont suffocate me so much.
recently tho, im starting to feel the weight of it. i never really imagined that it'd be too heavy for me, since i always thought maybe im meant to carry such heavy things. thinking this way in a sense has always made me feel better as im a believer that this pain and suffering was given to me so that i can recycle it into something healthy and meaningful out into the world.
i feel like maybe im at the point where my mental health is getting to me and causing changes in my life. i feel confused and disoriented sometimes, but recently more often than others. physically i also am feeling so immensely tired and have headaches often.
these could be for entirely different reasons, but maybe it could also be related.
i dont really know what im saying, im just thinking things.

recently, I (20f) have been thinking about whether or not me and my bf actually are compatible when it comes to thinking about our future.
im currently enrolled in college and just finished this semester with 5 full-time classes and am now doing an outside program for something else. i also work 28-30hrs week.
my boyfriend on the other hand just finished his part-time college semester taking just 2 classes and barely works 17-19hrs. the rest of the time he is out hanging out w someone or playing games. he never gives himself the chance to do anything either because every time hes home its like he jumps onto someone else to occupy him, he cant ever seem to occupy himself. he frequently tells me hes bored at home and instead of doing something for himself, he asks practically everybody he knows if they want to hangout.
at first, it wasnt an issue because we got together at younger age where we did not have to worry about these type of things yet. but now we're growing up to be actual adults and need to start figuring stuff out with our lives. i feel like im at the point where im starting to become the person that i want to be and am really thinking about my future while my boyfriend on the other hand, isn't actually putting the steps in to get there.
it causes me to worry about our future because I feel like im getting my life together while he has basically no idea or has no pieces of what it is that he wants to do.
i have spoke about this with him before several times and each time he does a small thing that could help him progress in life, but thats it. there are no other attempts made unless i mention it. recently its been getting to me and ive been telling him indirectly to do something with himself as summer is coming and we are both out of school, meaning he has the free time to actually do things, but nothing.
maybe it just means we are incompatible now? i try to encourage him to get a move on but nothing ever seems to work.
i feel lost on what to do. i dont want to feel like im being held back by him but i also dont want to lose our relationship. im just starting to feel like maybe our lifestyles are too different and i should find someone who better suits me :(

nobody really notices me. i stopped telling people my business or details about what i do because frankly nobody cares.
it makes me sad but theres just no point in giving these unnecessary facts about my day when nobody even cares enough to ask.
i dont mention what anime im watching, what im reading, what im making for dinner or what store im going to. no one notices if im even doing these things so why would i give specifics?
it hurts because i think curiosity is a big indicator of love and care, but i dont find many people curious about me.
nobody asks questions about anything and i wish they did. i wished they questioned where i was or who im with or checked my reposts, the same way i ask them.

i wish i was needed so badly that if i left they wouldnt know how to function. i want to be a necessary thing to their life. i want to be so mandatory that the single thought of me going away would invoke a fear so strong they'd rather die.

i want to be important. so important that they look into every app on my phone to try and better understand me. every repost, every like. every thing ive ever even scrolled upon should be looked into. if not do they even love me? why wouldnt you put in that much effort? wouldnt you want to know every single little thing about someone youre dating?

its something i feel like will satisfy my urge to be something more. i wont feel complete until i see them threaten to take their own life if i as so much glanced at someone else. its obligatory. i want them to feel this way about me since its what i feel for them. why is it bad to be loved the way i love?

i dont care if its unhealthy. its something i desperately need. i want to be consumed the way i consume. i want them to be so obsessed with me that even i cant take it and am on the brink of suffocation.

sometimes i do feel like i rather be healthy tho. like its okay if i didnt have that and instead engulfed myself into a love that supports healing. but even when i taste some of that it doesnt satisfy my sick appetite to want them to beg and crawl to me like i'm their life source

sometimes i get random urges to hurt myself. its a really weird and disturbing feeling that scares me sometimes. ive never really been suicidal and i dont SH at all but recently as of maybe a month ago i have been thinking about it in disturbing ways.
it kinda all started because i was at work and i looked at a box cutter and for some reason i vividly imagined cutting myself with it and felt an extreme urge to do so. ever since then i have been sometimes getting pings of random scenarios in which i SH.
sometimes the urge feels stronger than others but im good at suppressing it so i havent done anything and genuinely dont think i will. its just a scary feeling that overwhelms me.
i have been planning on going to therapy soon and starting medication again but im worried about telling them about these ideations. i dont want to be locked up...

im writing this because i have nobody to talk to. i have friends, and i have a boyfriend, but nobody really talks to me.
my friends dont talk to me too much. maybe occasionally during a free moment, but other than that not really. my boyfriend and i text throughout the day too but today we havent. and tbh ive been fine and doing my own thing but now its been a couple hours and im just here now. even while doing my own thing i feel like i just do it to pass time.
so maybe im just complaining about things but im lonely regardless. nobody calls, answers the reels i send, or tiktoks, nobody responds to my messages or checks my location.
sometimes i think i could go mia and nobody would even notice. maybe my boyfriend at some point, but not suddenly. and even if he did i dont think he'd do too much about it until it was too late.
i crave something that i can never have. maybe because of this illness ive been cursed with, or maybe because ive just never had it.
i dont know what i want but i know that i want it bad. companionship? a real friend? a true connection? ig i have these things already but it seems im only given it when its convenient.
im fine really, its just a thought in my head that bothers me a lot. but maybe im not actually fine and maybe it bothers me a lot. it reminds me of that scene from chainsaw man when makima watches that movie w denji and she starts to cry watching. thats how i feel.
sometimes when i feel that way i imagine what having more friends would be like. or i imagine what it'd be like to have someone who cares so much like me. someone would would watch the tiktoks i send, pick up when i call, reply to my reels. maybe even check my location when im at taco bell and joking message me "can you bring me a baja blast?"
i feel pathetic fantasizing these things. and maybe youre wondering "why dont you just ask your people for more?" and i have, but i guess its not enough to do. ive mentioned to my boyfriend that i'd wanna call more bc we never do in general, but he doesnt call. he says he hates calling but then posts him otp w his friends. or my friends say they'll check up more but leave me on delivered.
im just not a priority
it makes me sad
i cant talk to anyone about anything because even if i did it they wouldnt know how to respond. thats also why i dont even bother. i think maybe i'd have better chances of talking to a brick wall or by talking into the mirror bc at least then i could pretend im talking to someone else that isnt really me.
and making friends is so hard. i try in school or work or online but sometimes people are so shallow or boring or just uninterested.
idk what im even doing i just want to say words and hope they process into someones mind and then maybe they'd think of me for a least a couple seconds and i'll feel validation and a little happy.
i dont know when this feeling will go away and i dont wanna hear anybody say to work on myself so i can fill in the void. if working on myself was the answer i wouldnt be here. and how is seeking something else to fill the void that bad? dont tell me either bc ik and ive been to therapy and been on meds.
speaking of which i'll be starting my medication again soon and i hope maybe once i start it again i'll feel better a little or maybe not and probably not so i think you'll hear from me again when my house is too quiet and the static in my head is too loud

anytime i feel rejected by my boyfriend i get sad.
i tell myself that its because he did something to hurt my feelings when in actuality this isnt true.
im reminded that i have no friends. when he says no to playing games with me, no to hanging out, it reminds me how theres nobody else around me who'd want to do that. so it just hurts me more when he says no or rejects me. its the same if i feel like hes busy or isnt giving me as much attention.
i wish i had someone else to connect to. every time i feel this way im transported to what i felt like as a child. im reminded of how lonely i was and how i had to do everything on my own.